need some support please

[feelingalone]

i have a 20+ year history of depression, ad's make me more suicidal and have done all sorts of counselling, accupuncture, yoga, nlp, hypnotherapy, natural remedies etc.....

i feel i am falling right now for so many reasons and although i know there are so many good things to be grateful for and i don't feel i can talk to anyone in RL, especially my dh who finds it difficult to comprehend why i could feel this way....

anyway to keep this as short as possible as baby and toddler napping and dh watching footie (thinking i am online sale shopping) but won't be for much longer i will bullet point what is bothering me...

• we bought a place may 2008 just before the credit crunch, property price tumbled... happy with the space but hate the location, totally missing my old location, local things to do and friends and very worried about getting dc1 into a decent primary school..... i.e. total remorse moving and now stuck as property price has tumbled but good point is we are on a tracker mortgage of 0.14 until 2010

• after 11 months of ttc #2 we conceuved nov 2007 to only miscarry end of dec, as that date approaches i feel so sad. we thankfully got pregnant again and now have a newborn totally in love with baby but in a way wish it was the other sex which makes me feel so guilty. everyone i know who has had babies or is pregnant has the sex i want or one of each and i am jealous...(i am being honest here)

• baby is small, lost weight after birth and dropped down the charts.. i am very worried

• dh and i are both tired (we have no family nearby to help with dc's) and feel our relationship is going downhill. i remember pre-children we used to go abroad over xmas and new year.. i miss those days although i'd rather spend time with our dc 100 million fold....

• i am missing the one on one time i used to have with dh, him being my priority in making things nice for him etc, i mean i got him nothing for his 40th, couldn't thnk of anything he'd want and was meaningful and feel so shit about it.

• i am still recovering from the birth and sore and have not had sex in months, i do not feel attracted to him and worry that's it...

• i am fat! nothing fits, i feel and look gross

• having major issues with my mum, having 2 x dc myself and maternal insticts so strong i realise now that the way my mum treated me as a child was not right (long long stories there)...

i KNOW i have so many things to be happy about but things seem to be closing in on me...

i'm sure there is more but no time

thanks for reading
x

I'm sorry you are feeling so low.I haven't really got any advice as I'm struggling at the minute too.The only thing I may be able to shed some light on is the sadness you feel because you miss your old home.

We moved in May 2005 and moved from a town,to a village near where I grew up.I had desperately wanted to move here,but when we actually did move-I hated it.I missed my old house,my friends,the fact I could walk everywhere.I was stuck down a little lane,in a semi derelict house with a toddler & a new born.I could go all day without seeing anyone after dh had gone to work.I was really unhappy and wishged we'd never moved.Moving again wasn't an option,so I just had to make the best of it.I joined a couple of fund raising commitees for the local school,and made myself go for a walk with the dc's every day.By about 18 months later,I'd totally changed my views.This place will never be perfect,but I have a better social life than I've ever had,know everyone in the village and generally feel happier about leaving our old place.

I know this is only part of the reason you are feeling so low,and you have a lot to deal with.I'd reccommend seeing your GP for advice on the best way to tackle the way you feel.

I hope things improve for you soon.
FG

Sounds like there is a lot to deal with and like you have tried many ways to deal with it. How about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)? You can get the 'CBT for Dummies' book, and it's fab, but the actual therapy is good too.

Oh goodness, you do have a lot on your plate don't you? You are coping with a bereavement, have moved house to a new area, have had a baby, with all the sleep deprivation which goes with that, and are coping with the tensions of the credit crunch! No wonder you are feeling low. All of those things are causes of stress.

My advice would be not to panic about your relationship. IME once you have a second baby (particularly if you have no RL support) you are so tired and preoccupied with children that relationships have to take a back place for a while. I really wondered if I would ever care about sex again, but it does get better, honestly!

Try to look after yourself - really, really invest some time/energy in you. Make sure that you treat yourself to a very very early night once a week - 8pm at the latest! Treat yourself to a bath, with bubbles and candles now and then. Invest in your favourite chocolate. Look after yourself. And when you have done that, try to remember what dh's favourite treats were and get a treat for him too. If you don't have a mum, MIL or bf around the corner to give you the occasional treat, then you need to do it for yourself. With little kiddies, you are giving out so much, you need to treat yourselves, to keep yourself human!

My other advice would be to take one day at a time. You are in survival mode at the moment. The time will come when you can think about planning holidays etc again. For now, your aim is to get to the end of the day with everyone fed, clean(ish), and having had something to smile about that day!

And don't forget - keep on posting. I didn't get on with antid's either, and MN kept me sane in those early early.

many thanks for your helpul posts, feeling bit better today.