Is anybody out there?

[sahara]

Hi there anyone. I really need to just talk right now. I'm so low at the moment and nothing seems to help. I have 3 kids and an on again off again dh.
I have no friends as my one and only friend who totally understood me moved to another country 3 years ago. My family have told me that while I have my son, who has behaviour difficulties, with me then I shouldn't come over.
I have no one to turn to.
I'm even on 30mg of citalopram but I still feel so low. I get mad days where I feel so positive about life and my situation, then the next day I'm down again. And when I'm down I am so down. I think about killing myself at least 3 times a day. I look at my kids, whom I love very much, but I feel I am letting them down because I'm to depressed to even read them a story on some days. Then I get more depressed. I have tried a few times but I guess I'm just meant to keep going right?
I'm 28 and I have acheived nothing in my life, made so many bad judgement calls.
I go to sleep at night and I dream about changing my past, but I wake up and I still wish everyday that it could be so simple.
I also suffer from anorexia/bulimia and haven't eaten anything with taste in about a month.

My doctor has refered me for psycho-therapy but only last week, and she says it is a very long waiting list.
I feel so alone and like I mean nothing to anyone. Even my 6 year old son hates me.
I'm not planning on doing anything stupid, today is a fluctuating mood and I know that later I'll be up.
I was just hoping to make some friends on this site, people who uderstood what I was going through, just someone to talk to so I didn't feel so alone.

hi sahara, sorry you feel so low, im here if you want to chat xxx

I feel stupid even saying anythimg, my dh thinks its all in my head so I can't tell him how I feel. He just doesn't understand.
I really feel like my life is over. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I just want to be normal again, to have energy, to be able to sit and eat with my kids, instead of watching their plates with longing. Sorry if I'm going on

you not going on honestly,

how long have you had a eating disorder? you have beautifull children to live for you are needed by them, do you work?

dont worry about your dp they are all the same they think that we are like robots and can just carry on even with a n illness {{{}}}}}}

Hey

Please just keep going to you get the therapy. I don't know if it's the same as counselling but it should help you a lot, just stick with it.

Think of your children - are there things you love doing with them? Arts? Music? Reading? Do more of it so all of you are happy together.

Is it citalopram that helps with eating disorders? If so the common dose is 60mg - talk to your GP perhaps. If not then it's a high dose of prozac that could help.

I've had an eating disorder on and off for 12 years but this is the worst I've ever become. Even when I try to eat and promise myself that I will keep it in, I still feel sick instantly.
I don't work and I don't study because of my oldest son. He is out of school, the fourth one as he is to violent so I am trapped at home because I can't even take him to the shops.
I do love him but I sometimes am sorry angry with him for trapping me like this, I wish he could be normal but he can't and I know he can't help it. But it just adds to my loneliness bacause mums don't want to socialise with me.

where do you live ?

have you had any help with your eating disorder?

just tell me to bugger off if im asking too many questions

I live in Surrey/ New Malden, near London. Its a nice area but I just stay in all the time.

I've only just admitted to my doctor that I have a problem with food and I'm told that the therapy will help me deal with my feelins of self loathing.
And no your not asking too many questions, Its nice to chat with someone.

I'm going to go now, I think your gone anyway. Plus my dh will be home soon and he flies of the handle if I'm on the net chatting to someone as he thinks I'll end up cheating not that I ever have but try getting him to believe that you don't have to control me to keep me. You just have to love me.
Thanks for answering.

oh hunny im so sorry he is like that to you im soor i was gone i just had to sort something out on the phone

ill be here tomooow if u want to chat,

ill keep bumping this up so some more mners can give you some better advice xxxxx

good morning evryone. Having a better morning so far. Mind you my oldest son has just woken up so that could all change in 5 minutes.
I know I sounded really miserable person, I am depressed but I am good for a laugh too.
Woke up today and feel ok so I'm going to try really hard to maintain that feeling. At least until Dh wakes up. Then I have no choice but to smile so that he can't get pissed off at my depression.
I know it's hard to be around me at the moment but why can't he see that I don't want to feel this way.
I better stop talking about feeling low as I can feel that cloud trying to cover my head with doom and gloom. I can actually feel my superficial cheerfullness fading so I had better get off this until I'm ready for a full hours crying.

Hello sahara, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Did you make it to Church today?

I kind of have an idea of what you are saying about your husband- I asked my ex to read up on depression so he'd understand, but he never did. Anyhow i have come to the conclusion most people who have never suffered from depression can not understand the illness, they just can't. Because they can't see you bleeding and most of us cope with day to day functioning- on the outside anyway.
can you get some relife from social services with regard to your son? can your doctor give you something to relieve your anxiety for a while?