I can't cope with my 4year old

[kahlie]

I have two children - dd is 4 and ds is 1 Dd is a v talkative, spirited hyper girl, but I just can't cope with her - I feel like my head is going to explode. She is at nursery 3 days a week and with me 2 days. I have had a pretty shitty year - my dad died in the summer and my son up until quite recently has been an appalling sleeper. He still gets up at 5am - but that is a huge improvemnet from 4 times a night. Dd gets the brunt of my frustration and anger and I feel like I want to push her away the whole time. I feel terrible for saying this but a lot of the time I just want to be with my ds. On top of all this I have just returned to work part time and am finding it really hard being away from my son.
My dp is v good with the children and is supportive, but he really does not understand how crap I feel.
Any advice for coping would be appreciated

Sorry you've had such a bad year

If your DP is supportive, can you make time once a week for him to look after DS while you spend some time with DD - maybe take her out - so that she can feel that she still has your attention and your love: some quality 'mummy time' for her might also help you to reconnect with things you enjoy and love about her.

Get her to help you with DS so that she has a role as the big sister - she's old enough to help you bath him, fetch nappies, etc. Make her feel included in the process rather than pushed away.

By asking for support, you have shown that you are aware that you need to change - she is probably picking up on your feelings towards her and is more demanding as a result - anxiety that she is not as special as DS. If you spend some one to one time with her, she should start to feel reassured that she is loved and wanted.

Have you considered visiting your GP/ bereavement counselling? It sounds as if you may be suffering from depression.

There's a good thread somewhere for parents of spirited children. I'll see if I can find it.

Try this thread for ideas

Thanks for that - i do wonder if I am depressed. I did see a bereavement councellor - but for various reasons could not make the next appt. I will make a big effort to see her again. I have tried some one to one time with her - but I find it so hard to be with her without feeling really irritable - I do feel like a pretty rubbish mum at the moment

It's very hard when one child is becoming so busy and the younger one is still in a sort of honeymoon period when they're not answering back and demanding things all the time. Your older girl may be big enough to help you do a few things around the house (if you're patient), things like helping to change the lo's nappy and tidying up. You may also be able to play games with her (like snap or snakes and ladders).

You're not being a crap mum. You are articulating how you find your life, and reaching out for help.

Thanks BlaDeBla - the thing is ds is quite whingey and pretty hard work...but I am so in love with him. I love my dd but she is a whirlwind and I am physically and emotionally exhausted. She is a v helpful girl and adores her brother - but is constantly saying what can we do now - even after we have done a big activity. She finds it hard to occupy herself for very long. She needs lots of physical exercise otherwise she gets silly and lolls around the furniture falling off chairs etc. I find the day v long

I wonder if the inability to occupy herself is an attention seeking thing? I have 2 dds, 4 & 2. Both are bossy and demanding and like yours, need lots of exercise! It is exausting and exasperating, and unless you get outside support, there is NO TIME for you! It's so important to address issues such as depression and investigate support. Do you have Homestart near you? I found them fantastic when we lived in London.

DD#2 has found a mine of permanent marker pens and I keep finding her scribblings. DD#1 is trashing the furniture, then they both are. The dogs chew the girls' toys and the girls torment the dogs. When I am feeling down, all this drives me mad and it feels as though there is no respite. On the other hand, it is more fun to have lively children than the alternative.

Sorry for rambling on. It's maddening having children trashing the house all their waking hours! Waterproof World has fantastic outdoor clothes.