THE TEDIUM OF THE SCHOOL RUN/COFFEE MORNINGS ETC. ETC.

[nicksmum]

DS has just started school and I'm not sure what is wrong with me but I can feel myself sinking into what feels like a bit of depression or something ...not sure what.

I just can't stand the fact the I HAVE to be there every morning and every afternoon to pick him up for the next SEVEN YEARS. It feels like there is no spontaneity in life anymore.

I also feel so shy when in the playground. I force myself to make conversation when I just don't want to talk. I get roped into helping with things I don't want to do. I just feel so awkward and shy. I just want to slink off unnoticed and often don't speak until spoken to but then I'm afraid of being left out and get panicky and start making an effort again.

I do the coffee mornings and host them sometimes as well. Everyone else seems really confident and always seems to say the right things. I feel like I'm always coming out with stupid comments and feel socially inept.

Until a year ago I had a high flying job (which I was glad to leave) but now I feel invisible. I want to work again when DS is totally settled into school but I just feel life and like groundhog day every single day. It's so boring sometimes and I feel brain dead. I LOVE my DS so much and it's not about him-I'm glad I'm there for him.

Does anyone else feel this way. Is this a mum's lot in life? It feels like a woman has to give up her life to bring up a child.

DS started school when I was on Maternity Leave having DD.
I love my kids but the frequent 'groundhog day' feeling was key in my decision to return to work (4 days a week initially when DD was 6 mo but am now FT - she is 2.5). The other issue is that I earn a lot more than DH.
I have quite a high flying job as well.
You say you worked until a year ago but that you were glad to leave. Sounds like it would be better if you could find another job, PT maybe? Or volunteering/charity work? Whatever makes you feel valued aside from being a wife and mother?
DH works early shifts. I do the school/nursery run in the mornings and he picks up, except on Fridays when I work a short day at home where I do the morning and afternoon school run. Works for us.
Could you share this with your partner?Whatever suits you.
You don't need to give up your life to bring up your child. This situation is evidently making you feel down. Have you discussed the options with your partner?
HTH

Hi mami,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, I think the key to everything is me not working really.

DH doing any drop off/pick up totally out of the question at the moment as he works really long hours. I'm a single parent during the week really. Quite often I'm asleep when he gets in. He knows how I feel but is happy for me do work or not, whatever suits me as long as I am there for DS.

I suppose it's just a shock to the system when you are used to going out and about with your DC and not being tied to set times.

I knew something was wrong with me tonight when I was just sitting on the drive after school singing quietly along to "glamorous" by Fergie like a bit of a nutter thinking "God, I used to fly all over the world".

God, I sounded a bit loopy-I'm not that bad-honest.

SOUND -not sounded!

Nicksmum, you need to work.

I have my own consultancy. It's great.

What did you do before? Ooh we need to get transferring those skills (restrain yourself, lingle, restrain yourself).

I was going to suggest working as well.

One of the things I was surprised to miss when on maternity leave was the social aspect of going out to work, the adult conversations....
Most of my close friends who have kids live quite far away so it wasn't as if we could pop around each other's often... I did go to a mum's group for a while when DD was a baby. The women were lovely but it just wasn't fulfilling my brain's need to be challenged....
Is a factor of how you're feeling to do with being on your own with your DS most of the week?
Do you go to any groups during the week? Do you have other mum friends at your son's school or other friends that you have regular coffee/lunch/whatever dates with? Maybe join a swimming or exercise class or whatever during the day? Or possibly consider a college course or other study if you're looking to go back into a different career when your son's older.
HTH

Hi Nicksmum,
I know exactly what you mean especially when you say you feel shy and awkward in the playground. By the time my eldest DS started school I was in my mid thirties and had quite a good career. But the school playground made be regress to being a schoolgirl myself!
I wish I could say it gets better but if I'm honest it's just that I have learned to deal with it. I stopped work for 3 years when my youngest was born and yes while it was good for us as a family to have me at home fulltime it wasn't good for me as a person. So I went back to work part time and now I work freelance and try only to work in term time.
Some women seem to love the whole "school thing" throwing themselves into the PTA and volunteering to help out at school. I just don't and sometimes I feel very awkward amongst other Mums when I just can't get enthusiastic about going in to school to help with the chocolate tombola or whatever.
Before anyone flames me for not being interested in my children's education I most certainly am. But I don't see the need to be involved in the minutae of school life.

nicksmum, I can relate to how you feel about playground socialising. I'm sure I haven't always been like this either. I do feel for you; it's no fun.

You sound as though you've been feeling this way only since your son started school - not beforehand. I sense that you enjoyed the spontaneity of being a SAHM when you weren't tied to a school timetable - when you were able to go off and do things with your DS. If this is the case, and you could be happy either continuing as a SAHM or working at most part-time, could home education suit you all? (Assuming, of course, that you think it would benefit your DS.) I know it sounds a bit out there - am thinking out of the box here.

I think a lot of people seem to be "dipping" a bit this winter - the combination of shorter days, less sunshine, bloody cold, and of course the economic downturn kicking it off in the early autumn. With any luck, the spring will be perkier.

nicksmum, go back to work! Seriously. No woman has devote herself to coffee mornings!

God yes, get thee back to work!
My ds has been ill on and off for last few weeks and I hate being at home.I work f/t but do two drop offs a week and that is plenty.

Agree with the general consensus - you're either cut out to be a SAHM or not. I never was and after 6 months maternity leave was glad to get back to work. I HATE doing pick-ups and am so relieved that my DD is now 8 that she comes to the school gate and I don't have to get involved in the banal chit-chat of the playground. The idea of coffee mornings sends a shiver down my spine so don't beat yourself up that you don't enjoy them. Perhaps when you're ready you can find something with hours that fit around school (not easy I know) and achieve a balance.

Hi everyone,

I feel clearer in my mind now that I have posted and read the replies.

I definitely need to work and am going to start the ball rolling. It doesn't mean that I will get out of the school run tho' but I suppose I will have something else to talk about!

I do have other friends and plenty going on in my life. On paper, I have nothing to complain about-I think that perhaps tiredness and boredom are big factors in how I'm feeling at the moment. The two seem to go hand in hand!

Underneath it all, I'm quite a private shy person until I really know someone and I just feel overwhelmed by all these school mums who seem so sorted and together and intelligent. (Perhaps they feel the same-who knows?)

Thank you for all your replies. It helps to just get it off your chest sometimes-I feel better already!

We all enjoy trivial chitchat but in different ways. My antenatal buddies would tease me (affectionately I think) about the way that if the conversation was on nappies for more than about 3 minutes I would turn pale and then try to start a discussion on Proust. I'm not brainier or wittier then them - it's just that dwelling on these subjects got me down and made me feel I have poor quality of life. They didn't feel it as much.

Playground is worse because most people have toddlers in tow so even if they say something interesting they can't focus on your reply because the little one has run off by that point. So the conversations can be a bit dispiriting.

As a short-term thing, might you enjoy doing 1-to-1s instead of group coffee mornings? The group dynamic inhibits conversations about anything other than the kids and school. But catch the same person who seems to be an ironing and PTA obsessive on her own and you might find she's just returned from a year volunteering for medecins san frontiers....in fact the more I think about this the more I think it might help.....I've recently "remet" an acquaintance of 5 years who I thought was incredibly dull (sorry it's true) and discovered she was an experienced environmental activist and an absolutely fascinating person. Some really interesting people don't show it on the playground.