Because I think it's time I acknowledged I have a problem in this area.
I have opted out of regular social events in my village community since moving here a few years ago. I like to think this has been because I'm a bit of an eccentric who likes her own/existing friends' company, and is more interested in her hobbies than coffee mornings - and this is partly true ... but deep down, I want to belong and to be liked and to have the balls to contribute relatively fearlessly. Yet I'm too afraid to get involved because I don't know what to say, who to be IYKWIM (I seem to go into quiet, polite school girl mode - grrr), and I'm deeply afraid of being judged as a spineless wet blanket with nothing to say, devoid of personality. I know I am/can be feisty, passionate, witty and fun around family and old friends - but for some reason, just not here, in this context, with these people (and in some other contexts too).
I need to pick DS up from school in half an hour, and it's the dread I feel around that - the anxiety about whether to stand on my own in the playground or be bold and start talking to someone ... all the people (I don't like crowds/big groups of people) ... what to say if someone talks to me ... feeling awkward ... feeling utterly judged. Argh. You get the picture. I'm guessing this isn't entirely normal?
Maybe it's related - or else it's fairly common at this time of year and in a REALLY chilly house - but depression and apathy are creeping into the frame for me as well at the moment. All this anxiety and inadequacy around socialising are slowing me up and holding me back, and I feel sad, angry and frustrated because, on some level, I think I've got a lot going for me, and am not really fulfilling my potential.
Has anyone any ideas on how to move on from these socialising hang-ups? Thanks.