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Mental health

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Original poster

Am totally unable to cope, but am too scared doctor will tell me there is nothing wrong like he did last time

20 replies

Scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:01

Dd is wonderful most of the time, but in the morning she is a nightmare-she is 4 and called me a shit head this morning, a dur brain, a bad mother (that bit is right!), evil, bad etc etc because I was trying to get her ready for school. I am really struggling with everything at the moment-I can't bear to do anything, am sleeping 14 hours a night and am still exhausted, I can't bear to do or go anywhere. I can't cope with dd at all-even when she is being an angel I cannot cope with her-I want her to be taken away from me as I really really can't do this anymore. I constantly want to smack her and I call her the most dreadful names all the time, tell her I don't love her and hate her and don't want her living with me anymore, I keep telling her she is a dreadful child and I hate myself for it but it just seems to come out. I want her away from me as I will cause her long term mental damage, What can I do?

OP posts:

stitch · 09/12/2008 10:04

you need help. there may be nothing wrong with you clinically, but that doesnt mean that youdont need help.
family or friends? or partner? if none of those any use, then surestart/ homestart have lovely volunteers. where in the country are you. there is a lovely charity called family focus who can also help. they exist specially to help families like yours. struggling to be better parents, but not with children on the at risk register, and because they are nothing to do with social services, no stigma attached either.
if the doctor no good, what about health visitors?

Original poster

scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:08

I'm just so worried as I am a middle class single parent in a very professional area workwise, but have no family and my friends all have their own lives, and dd has no contact with her dad, so i have no one to take her even for half an hour bar school. I am so worried that I have damaged her, and I love her in the abstract, but don't love her when she is with me, I out and out despise her, I have an HV coming tomorrow, but am also scared they will take her away if I tell them the truth. I know it sounds convuluted that I want her taken away and I don't want her taken away, I just don't know how I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:09

What do people do to love their children? How do they manage it? Are they better people or do they spend more time with them? I just don't know how to do it.

OP posts:

Hassled · 09/12/2008 10:13

They're not going to take her away - you are a loving mother who is having some problems at the moment, that's all. I think the sleeping and exhaustion could well indicate depression - go and see a different GP and say you're struggling to cope. And research Homestart as well, just to give you a bit of a break.

She's calling you names because you're calling her names; that has to stop, and she's behaving badly because she's insecure about how much you love her. You need to give her lots of reassurance, but you already know that. Knowing what the problem is is half the battle.

Please see your GP and get some help - it doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you a better parent for sorting yourself out for your DD's sake.

stitch · 09/12/2008 10:15

love can never be forced. it comes on its own.
the way you feel right now, is believe it or not, very very common. when we HAVE to do something again and again and agian for someone we love, no moatter how much we loved them initially, after a while, it becomes very very wearing, and can coz us to feel as if we hate them. but mostly, it is jusst a case of being sick to death of having to do the same old boring stuff without any reciprocation.
family focus really helped me.

Hassled · 09/12/2008 10:16

What do people do to love their children? They get to know them, they have fun with them, they play silly games, they trust themselves to enjoy the child's company. If you didn't love and care about your DD you would never have started this thread.

stitch · 09/12/2008 10:18

as hassled said.
if kids say horrible phrases to us, its because they have learnt them from us. our kids are the worst possible mirrors into our souls.
ds, aged 11 said some truly horrible things to dh last night. things he had overheard me saying to dh during the middle of a nasty prolonged fight.

OrmIrian · 09/12/2008 10:24

You get to love your children because they are lovable basically. Not just because they are yours. And if you are tired and irritable with her she won't be getting the best from you and you sure as hell won't be getting the best back from her . You get what you give to a great extent.

I don't know exactly what your GP said, but if he said there was nothing physically wrong (ie nothing showing up in blood tests) that does not mean you aren't depressed. Beleive me, I've been there - twice. Go and see him or another asap. Or speak to your HV.

I was just about where you were a few months back. Got to the point where almost all my interactions with my DC was shouting and restraining myself from smacking. No joy, no love. Ditto DH. I couldn't cope. I am now on citalopram and it's like the clouds have lifted. Everything seems possible.

Don't worry about the stigma. I don't think I know many people (middle class or otherwise) who have not been depressed and on anti-Ds at some time or other. You'd be surprised.

Please get help. For the sake of you both.

Original poster

scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:25

I just feel like I am fond of her, but I don't feel like I love her, as occasionally I get bursts of loving her, which makes it so hard the other 95% of the time when I don't. I just wish I had never become a parent, and have done for so long now that I wish I had a time machine or something-I can't do anything right. I had to get her a costume for the school play, but haven't had a lunch break for the past two weeks so could only get it yesterday, and she was the only one in the class without a costume for the dress rehersal, and the school had a huge bellow at me. I can't get her into school on time as she will not do anything-I have to carry her out of bed, hold her mouth open to do her teeth (I've given up because it is too stressful and upsetting for both of us), manipulate her like a newborn to get her dressed, but worse as she will refuse to lift her feet up to get knickers/socks/tights on, the list goes on-it can take over two hours just to get her dressed some mornings. And every little thing is the same, whether it is getting her dressed, picking her up from school, taking her somewhere-she is incapable of doing anything without being asked at least 7 times or made to do it with force-i.e. picking her up and putting her in the car, then holding her down while strapping her in, then undoing her seatbelt and having to pull her out again-she will not do anything

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:28

The doctor didn't take any tests, he just said I seemed a bit stressed, and maybe if I went to bed earlier (I am already going at 7pm) then I might feel less stressed, He thinks I am a hypochondriac, as I took dd to see him twice with earache in a month, and ever since he dismisses everything like I am some idiot woman, and so hate seeing him. Will another doctor think I am a trouble causer if I go and see them?

OP posts:

throckenholt · 09/12/2008 10:31

sounds like you are totally overwhelmed by everything - coping with being a single parent, and holding down a demanding job.

I would suggest you go to the gp and tell him just that - you are not coping and you need some time away from work to give yourself a break - and also get an assessment for depression - because the total exhaustion and other things you describe sound like it to me.

You do love your dd - because you care what happens to her and don't like the way you are being with her at the moment - but when you are exhausted and depressed it is very difficult to keep things in proportion and not over react to everyday irritations.

You have to be brave at the GP and insist you need help - and stress that as a single parent and trying to hold down a demanding job you do actually need help at the moment.

throckenholt · 09/12/2008 10:32

I would ask to see another doctor if you don't have a good track record with this one.

going to bed at 7pm everyday is not normal, and should not be ignored.

stitch · 09/12/2008 10:32

no they wont.
see a different doctor.
see a health visitor
see the woman at the babyclinic.
tell them you are not coping with your dd. it is affecting her adversely and you need help. there are parenting courses they can send you on. where they will help you deal with the issues you have mentioned with her.

CaptainKarvol · 09/12/2008 10:34

Didn't want to leave this unanswered - do go and see another doctor, it's not seen as being a trouble maker or awkward to ask to see someone else, it's fine.

You do sound like you could have depression to me as well. And it is a real illness, and there are real treatments. FWIW, when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder a few years ago, my main symptoms were overwhelming tiredness and anger, not sadness, so it didn't fit my idea of 'depression'. It still was though, and responded quickly and well to treatment.

I hope you find a sympathetic GP - they do exist.

Original poster

scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:34

Thank you to all of you, I have made an appointment for thurs, and have the hv coming tomorrow, so hopefully it should get sorted. I am just so worried that I have messed up her life as I have been like this on and off since she was born, but the doctor has always thought i was craving anti-depressants or something, so always told me there was nothing wrong, so I am starting to think it is me that is totally nuts.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 09/12/2008 10:34

In that case tell the HV. Explain how you feel.

This isn't normal. Your GP sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster

scaredofdoctors · 09/12/2008 10:38

I just thought maybe I needed more sleep as I always needed 8 hours before I had dd, so thought maybe I needed 14 once she was sleeping through (at 4!) to catch up on it all. Will she be ok? I can't stop telling myself I am a child abuser-she is terrified of me, and is constantly sure that I am going to smack her, even though I never do-although I do end up screaming and throwing things and snapping things in two (like toothbrushes!)

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 09/12/2008 10:43

Me too scared, I have been there. I sympathise hugely. But you need to get help.

My DCs have opened up like flowers in the rain since I've been better. They needed my love, joy and attention to thrive. They weren't getting it as I was fighting to combat my anxiety and depression as well as trying to cope with life. I too work and I know how hard it can be. It's wonderful to see the change in them as well as me. Please see someone.

Jux · 09/12/2008 13:15

You need help. I went through this at one stage as well, so as you can see, there are quite a few of us and you are not alone. Counselling helped me enormously, and I didn't need a referral from my doctor for it either.

One thing my counsellor said which helped with the appalling guilt I was feeling was that dd was still very young and there was time to turn it around. That gave me such hope. Indeed, it was true - dd is 9 now and fabulous, loving, funny, clever, all the things she was anyway really, which I simply couldn't see/cope with then. You will see your child with loving eyes and heart, honestly you will, and she will be fine - but get help now.

Good luck.

snowcrystal · 10/12/2008 23:51

Hi scared,how did it go with the hv today?
You need help with your parenting ~have you heard of positive parenting?
Did you ever see house of tiny tearaways with Tanya Byron?The parents on there were middle class nurses etc struggling just like you.They turned it around in 4 days honestly.
Stop feeling guilty and looking back at what has happened.You can change this by parenting her differently and seek help for poss depression .Feeling hopeless and despairing and sleeping all the time are symptoms osf depression.As is no confidence.
You're locked into a battle with her that you don't understand and its v. distressing.Its obvious you love her cos you are tortured by guilt as its all gone wrong.
In the short term just try a completely opposite approach;
1.smile and give her hugs every hour and tell her you love her for no reason at all.
2Stop talking at her so much just keep all interaction calm,nice and friendly~if it helps at first pretend it is a professional job and someone is watching you.
3Go thru the day telling her how nice it is to play with her,bath her,read to her etc and what a lovely girl she is.
4Don't shout ,tell her off or call names;if she is naughty just distract her or disguise it as a game to get her to brush her teeth etc.
Be patient it will work!!She loves you remember,herbehaviour is just her reaction to your behaviour .

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