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Mental health

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Original poster

Bipolar brother - am v angry, can I tell him? Apologies, long...

18 replies

catrin · 08/12/2008 10:09

My brother has suffered from depression for years and is on tablets, though tends to come off them when he feels better, then relapses and has to start them again. He has just decided he does not want to come for Xmas, but we have lost both our mum and our grandmother in the space of 18 months and I woud like him to be here. I am really angry that he feels he can't cope, but I am expected to not mind that dad is suffering, as am I and that I want him to make an effort.
Am I able to have a go abut this, or will that just make him worse? Whenever I say anything, he gets v down and tells me he can't cope and I am making it even harder for him, but why should he not be expected to try for us?
Sorry this is ong and ranty. Hope it makes sense. I don't know how to handle this, as I really want to just kick him and tell him to get over it, but I'm sure I'm being v insensitive. Any one have any suggestions?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 08/12/2008 10:12

Will there be kids there at Xmas? I think if he feels he can't cope, he shouldn't have to, tbh - better to not have him there, than to have him there, and flaking out.

I'm sorry for your losses, but they must have been hard for your brother too, and everyone deals with loss differently.

Original poster

catrin · 08/12/2008 10:43

Just my dd (3). I know he should be able to do what he wants, but I can't - I have to have dad here and be jolly for him, but my brother doesn't have to bother. It is just me, my brother and my dad now (plus my dd and dh) - we have no other family on my side at all and I just feel v let down by him, as usual.

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 08/12/2008 10:48

I think he;s protecting himself, which is fair enough in a way as he must be terrified of triggering another attack. Still hard on you though. I don't think you can pressure him, so rant to friends instead.

mysterymoniker · 08/12/2008 10:48

it does seem unfair on you doesn't it, what is the general idea - that he comes to stay for so many days, or you just have a meal together or what?

wondering if there is a chance of compromise anywhere

Original poster

catrin · 08/12/2008 11:12

He'd have to be here for 2 nights. Normally, I think he enjoys coming - he loves dd and she loves him and he and dh go to the pub together.
I feel cross that if he didn't have the depression, I could just be pissed off like I could when we were younger, you know a major sibling fall out that is resolved 5 mintues later, but now I tiptoe around evrything - 'mustn't upset him, he's so fragile' kind of philosphy. Do not have depression myself, so obv do not understand what it is like to be him.
Thank yu for replies, guess will have to accept fact he will please himself. Again. And that I am crap unsupportive sister.

OP posts:

mysterymoniker · 08/12/2008 11:18

you're neither crap nor unsupportive for having needs of your own, and I think tip-toeing around is not the way forward - however if he simply isn't up to it, it's not anyone's fault. I'm sure if you all had a choice nobody would opt for this.

weepootle · 08/12/2008 11:28

I had exactly your attitude about my bipolar brother and had no sympathy for him - only felt resentment and anger. It took for him to commit suicide for me to understand how bad things really must've been. I'd happily tiptoe around him for the rest of my life to have him back with us.

UnfortunatelyMe · 08/12/2008 11:35

He is maybe thinking that he is feeling so crap that you wouldnt want him there for company anyway.
The taking pills, getting better and stopping again, then sliding downhill is TYPICAL of those with mental illness.
My brother is schizophrenic and does exactly that and has done for the past 20 years.
There is some really good information on the MIND website.
Please try and enjoy Xmas, with whoever you spend it with.

Original poster

catrin · 08/12/2008 11:40

Thank you all for replies and great advice.

Weepootle, I'm sorry if I upset you, I did not mean to upset anyone. I can understand your point of view entirely and every time we had the call to say 'he's in hospital' or 'he's sitting on the train tracks' I feel the same, that he's my baby bro and I love him desperately and I couldn't bear if anything happened to him. But the person he is now, is not the one I remeber growing up with and it's very hard to put the past first and ignore the present.

OP posts:

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 08/12/2008 11:42

I think that if he knows his triggers and that he won't cope that you have to respect that. It is a pain but better that than know you have caused him to have an episode. Or to spend the whole time tiptoeing around in case something triggers an episode.

My sis is bipolar (although mildly thankfully) but she knows her triggers now and tries to avoid certain things. Xmas is a big one for her as is holidays. I would LOVE her and her family to come here for Xmas but it won't happen. I just have to accept that. As do you unfortunately.

thegirlwiththecurl · 08/12/2008 11:43

you are not crap nor insensitive - only human. Bi-polar is bloody hard to live with and can be immensely draining and frustrating. My mum had it and it wasn't easy. He is probably thinking that, given the losses in your family, he may get wobbly over christmas, which can be such an emotional time, and he probably doesn't want your dd to see him like that. That doesn't help you at all, i know, as you have also lost close family members and it will be so hard for you. Take solace in the company and love of your dh, dd and dad and do seek outside help if only to realise how you are feeling is perfectly normal and understandable

weepootle · 08/12/2008 11:51

No catrin you didn't upset me, I completely understand how difficult it is for you. If anything you're more understanding than I was- I don't think I'd ever have come to terms with the way he was, as like your brother - he was so different from the boy I grew up with.

mysterymoniker · 08/12/2008 11:53

you could also check out places like bipolarchat.co.uk and mdf.org.uk to talk to others in similar situations, might get some ideas or just let off a bit of a steam?

electra · 08/12/2008 12:06

Maybe he can't try. I am probably bipolar (my psychiatrist hasn't quite decided but thinks I probably am). But anyway, I know how it feels to be ill, to have a great deal of chaos in your head that you just can't get past which prevents you from functioning in normal situations. When I have been ill I don't feel part of this world at all and can't even look after my children properly.

It is very hard for other people to understand though and it's normal for you to feel frustrated with him but believe me, it will not help for you to put extra pressure on him now.

electra · 08/12/2008 12:11

At the moment I'm fine because I'm pregnant and for some reason this stabalises me, but I had a very long period of time where I didn't post on MN at all because I couldn't concentrate on anything and didn't watch television, sit down or even sleep for more than a few hours. About a year of my life disappeared into a black hole of walking, walking and getting on and off trains. And when I was suicidal it was because I wanted to escape from what was going on in my mind.

electra · 08/12/2008 12:12

Anyway my point is that bipolar is a horrible illness and is quite complicated too, but I do sympathise with how you feel

moopymoo · 08/12/2008 12:16

dh is bipolar and before he was medicated, Christmas was a very tough time for him. Pressure to behave a certain way is one of his big triggers. It is very tough on the family though. There are some good online support groups if you google bipolar. And, just to stick in my particular soap-box item people who have bp should not drink. At all.

ra29 · 08/12/2008 20:54

Really feel for you. No answers I'm afraid but having grown up with a mentally ill sibling I know that it's really tough to have to always have your own needs sacrificed. This may not be a popular veiw- as siblings we're supposed to just be loving and endlessly patient and sympathetic. Unfortunately we are only human and didn't choose this any more than our siblings did. I'm not saying that they are not in immense pain just that it's tough all round.

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