So lonely and miserable....

[friendless]

This seems very self-indulgent but here goes....

About 3.5 years ago I split up with my alcoholic and violent husband of 16 years. We had 2 children together, one has severe SN. I had counselling at the time which seemed to help.

About 18 months later I met someone on the internet who I completely fell for. Crazily I moved area to be nearer and then we moved in together after about a year. My children moved schools and seem happy and settled.

My main problem seems to be that I am completely unable to make friends. Dp works away quite a lot and I really find it a struggle being alone and coping with a severely disabled child. I have no local family or friends at all (I suppose I have a couple of neighbours who I could call on in an emergency but don't socialise with them beyond the occasional chat). It's just one long slog. Where we used to live, I had a few close friends, but they seemed to get fed up with me and we have not kept in touch. I feel generally rejected which I suppose is silly.

When dp is home, he is usually on his computer or reading. He helps very little around the house or with the children. He's not good at empathy or sympathy, so generally doesn't make me feel any better. He just tells me I need to make friends. But how??

I don't have anyone to make me feel good about myself or reinforce that I'm any good at anything. Dp's friends always seem to side with him - generally I avoid mentioning anything personal to them anyway. It is hard to trust people in case they get in there with a criticism which quite often just cuts me to the core or else they seem to be judgemental about my life in some way. I seem to be unable to either stick up for myself or to express how I feel. I would just like some support from somewhere to make me feel I'm not a loon!

How does a normal person make friends?! Help....

hi friendless - I feel similar to you in the sense that I find it hard to open up and go beyond the superficial chat with people. I am finding it quite hard to make new friends since we moved area 4 years ago. It takes me a while to get to trust people. I am currently having some counselling which is helping me explore this and I wondered if you had ever thought about that ? I don't know what sort of place you work in but you might be able to access it through occupational health or there may be a charity locally offering this.
I find it really hard to make the time to go but I am finding it helpful.
good luck

Thanks all - saz36 - I have considered counselling, but like you find it is hard to find the time to go. I think it might be worthwhile. It is very hard to put things into action though - you know what you need to do, but actually doing it is another matter...

I will find a new name soon and post on the SN board!

Hi there friendless you sound really nice,just isolated becos of your circumstances and you sound a bit depressed which as we all know plays havoc with our self confidence.I think we need to feel valued for what we do and society doesn't seem to value parenting enough~it shouldn't be like that.
You d on't say what your work is and if its giving you any sense of pride in yourself.If not,could you do a course in something you feel is more you that wuold give you pride?Off the top of my head are you intereestedin counselling or child care or volunteering?
Also could your dd with SN be in after school care to give you more of a break?
It sounds like you had a very difficult time in the past do you need any prof. help with that?
I know lots of women feel like you so you are def normal.TRy to get your confidence up and the rest willfollow.take care.

Friendless, you sound like you are doing a really good job, and one that is more challenging than most people's, with your family. You sound like someone I would like to be friends with.

I just wrote something similar to what I'm going to put, on the "Stately Homes" thread - If you have suffered rejections in the past which have affected you deeply (is this true for you?) it can be hard to feel that you are as loveable as everybody else. People who have been loved and wanted know that they CAN be loved and wanted, that this is possible! So when they have a slight rejection now and then they can let it go and try again with someone else. They don't feel "that person didn't like me so nobody will".

Most people, unless they do truly horrible things, can be liked/loved by some people, not by everybody, but by some. EVERYBODY gets rejected now and then in small ways and bigger ways, even the ones you think are 'cool' and with the 'in crowd'. So when you go out and take the emotional risks involved in making new friends you WILL be rejected by some people but you WILL also be ACCEPTED by some AS WELL! It is hard but worth persevering with.

I kept going to children groups and evening classes and forcing myself to invite people to do things with me and tried to always take up invitations in case they got put off and never asked me again if I said no (this is the one bit of good advice I got from my mum). I sometimes used to come home and cry. I felt like an utter weirdo at times. It is SO hard I think, but I've got some people in my life now and it was so worth it. I'm now trying Facebook which I find quite scary as there seems plenty of scope for rejection on there!

Friendless, I am in Wiltshire and would be happy to meet up for a chat. I can relate to what you say about being scared to trust people. I had no friends for years as I was badly hurt at school and as a teenager by some very nasty people indeed. Although I am still not very open, I am getting better.

Thank you so much for all your advice.

Snowcrystal - I do have quite a demanding job which does give me some self-esteem, however it is perhaps too demanding! Would like to do something more caring one day... I have had counselling in the past which did really help - but we can't all have counselling all our lives! My confidence goes up and down with the time of the month -unfortunately I get quite depressive PMT which doesn't help and makes me rather reclusive!

Acting Normal - I can def relate to what you say. Have read some of the "stately homes" threads - and do suffer with feelings of rejection. Again it depends on the time of the month as to how a 'rejection' affects me - at the right time, it can just bounce off and I'm not too bothered.

Ilovejonty - I'm not far away from you! I'm sorry you had such a tough time at school, it must be really hard to throw off those experiences. I too am guarded mostly, I'm afraid of being hurt or judged. Why is it all so tricky?!

friendless, you sound lovely. This feeling-rejected-in-the-past-and-therefore-guarded-now resonates with me too; I am deeply scared of being judged/criticised/not liked - and often, opting out altogether and hanging about at home is preferable overall, if lonely. (Have started a related thread on social phobia/anxiety.)

I do get invitations to things, living in a tight-knit, lively village, but - not following ActingNormal's good advice - usually turn them down: the thought of meeting up with 20+ confident women with big personalities, with alcohol in the equation, is too much to contemplate! I just couldn't cope.

From what I'm fast learning, getting to the bottom of the fear of rejection (psychotherapy), and/or reprogramming ourselves (CBT), seem to be typical options for dealing with this sort of anxiety. Would you be able to access either of these?

As for your SN daughter, can you access some respite care where you are, so you can have a decent break at least once a month, during which time you can "break out" and be you and do the things you love - and maybe meet new people in the process? My sister has SN and some of my parents' closest friends were made through Mencap connections. It's biting the bullet that's tricky; I do appreciate that.

I'm possibly not a million miles away from you - shall we have a social phobes' meet-up?!

I'm no expert on this - I'm hoping for some similar advice - but am optimistic. Tonight, anyway! Good luck.

Hi BashfulBlitzen - thanks for your kind words. Dare you say where you are?! I am in Swindon! I am so variable in mood which is what makes it all a bit confusing. At the moment, I feel quite cheerful as if I'm coming out of a long tunnel! Perhaps I am in a way... Am trying harder to chat in a happy, friendly way with other Mums - and even the Mum who was mean to me in the past has been friendlier! Perhaps I seemed so grumpy that being friends with me wasn't very appealing...!

I used to live in a village and so understand what you are saying about the confident and self-assured Mums and their meet-ups. I always used to feel a bit inadequate! Really though they probably have many of their own doubts (maybe...)

Swindon isn't far away from me, friendless. CAT me if you fancy a meet-up in the New Year.

Good for you for having a really good go at chatting with other mums.

I hope you're still feeling positive this week.