So lonely and miserable....

[friendless]

This seems very self-indulgent but here goes....

About 3.5 years ago I split up with my alcoholic and violent husband of 16 years. We had 2 children together, one has severe SN. I had counselling at the time which seemed to help.

About 18 months later I met someone on the internet who I completely fell for. Crazily I moved area to be nearer and then we moved in together after about a year. My children moved schools and seem happy and settled.

My main problem seems to be that I am completely unable to make friends. Dp works away quite a lot and I really find it a struggle being alone and coping with a severely disabled child. I have no local family or friends at all (I suppose I have a couple of neighbours who I could call on in an emergency but don't socialise with them beyond the occasional chat). It's just one long slog. Where we used to live, I had a few close friends, but they seemed to get fed up with me and we have not kept in touch. I feel generally rejected which I suppose is silly.

When dp is home, he is usually on his computer or reading. He helps very little around the house or with the children. He's not good at empathy or sympathy, so generally doesn't make me feel any better. He just tells me I need to make friends. But how??

I don't have anyone to make me feel good about myself or reinforce that I'm any good at anything. Dp's friends always seem to side with him - generally I avoid mentioning anything personal to them anyway. It is hard to trust people in case they get in there with a criticism which quite often just cuts me to the core or else they seem to be judgemental about my life in some way. I seem to be unable to either stick up for myself or to express how I feel. I would just like some support from somewhere to make me feel I'm not a loon!

How does a normal person make friends?! Help....

I do sound like a total fruitcake....

But I do get very low and can't see what hope there is for the future. If I stay with dp, I've got 25 years of him working away to look forward to. I've got a lifetime of caring for dd2 ahead too - who I do love very much, but there's no let-up. I'll quietly wither away if this goes on for much longer...

children are usually a good way of making friends, or a job, or the good old evening class!

what about meeting up with some mumsnetters near you?

bump

does your sn child have any outings with other children, giving you an opportunity to meet up with other parents, or have a bit of respite?

hi friendless, whereabouts are you? I am sure there are plenty of friendly mumsnetters who would be up for a chat!

i have found it really hard making friends post-babies. and I haven't gone through half of what you've been through.
although have been through depression and lack of self confidence and all that kind of crap.

in my experience it is worth choosing a mother and toddler group or activity for older kids or whatever and sticking at it. it will take time for you to get reall yinto new friendships, but if you take the time and keep going you will make new friends,.

hi,

i'm not sure if you've posted on the s.n. board before, but you'll find that people there often talk really positively about the support they get from other s.n. mums. does your child with s.n. go to mainstream school or special?

are there any support groups in your area? your local council should be able to give you a list. this might be a way to meet other mums who have some shared experience with you. shared experience is really the best way to make friends.

is dp willing to babysit at night to let you go to clubs? i used to go to yoga and tai chi classes regularly (pre-babies!!) and it took a few weeks, but gradually you see familiar faces and start to chat. often clubs like these will have nights out, or sometimes even weekend retreats which are great for building friendships if you can get dp to babysit.

it's nice when someone else gives you praise for what you're good at, and a bit when they don't seem to notice! i force my dp to notice good things that i've done. sometimes i think he gives me a bit of praise just to get me to shut up about myself!!

maybe you could try pointing out to dp good things you've done or when you are feeling good or when something positive about you should be celebrated. this will give him a chance to praise you without him having to remember to do it by himself! not in an accusing way, eg. "you didn't notice this..." but in a positive "hey, i'm feeling good about this..." way.

woops... i'm definitely rambling. these are the things that i do to help dp make me feel good about myself anyway.

and by the way - you're not a loon!

There are quite a few MNers local I think, but I'm also just scared of opening up to people. It's like I don't want anyone to get to know too much about me in case they hurt me. So I can chat quite happily on a superficial level but can't make that extra step onwards.

I've tried classes (learnt archery!) but can't get past being so reserved. I did get to know one Mum from dd1's school - but then our dd's fell out and she told loads of other people about my 'past' with the DV etc, and I felt hurt again.

It is safer to be alone, but certainly lonely....

PS do not think it is even mildly self-indulgent to want a bit of a life of your own!

Thanks for all the replies - I used to have more SN contacts where we used to live. Since living here it's been harder to get to know people as dd goes to her special school by bus and I'm always rushing to and from work which never seems to leave any time to chat or go for a coffee (if I ever got to that point!)

One of dp's main criticisms is that I'm very negative, which probably comes across in these posts!! I think I've got stuck in a negative cycle of not trusting people. How to break out?!

I suppose the only way out is to take some kind of action, take the risk of being rebuffed or whatever and approach someone?

easier said than done probably but can't see any other way around it!

Thanks Ragged Robin - loads of helpful tips. I will try to look into the SN groups, the local council does actually seem quite good with SN provision.

Yes - it's about taking a risk. And not seeming too needy probably...

well friendless, if you happen to lvie near me (am in SE) I would be glad to meet up with you for coffee or something.
and you don't have to open up to me at all! I am good at superficial chat :D

well you took an enormous risk on a new partner and that seems to have worked out really well so you CAN do it! much easier to make a friend than to take on a whole new bloke I'd have thought?

Thanks thisisyesterday - I'm in South West but it's a lovely offer

Mysterymoniker - yes I did take a big risk and it has worked out - or I'm determined it's going to! It should be easier to make friends, think I've got to be braver and make the first move more...

sounds like you are gearing up to it, what do you think will be first step? the SN board on here, maybe find someone local?

Perhaps I will try the SN board again... I've been on this website for over 6 years under rather a lot of names (always wanting to stay anonymous!) but maybe it would be the first step to opening up more and being less guarded...

yay!

and keep us posted . . .

Thanks - this has been the nicest chat I've had in ages

it IS hard to break out of a cycle of negativity. I still get times when, for example, I have an appt to go to and I need someone to have the baby.
I'll think hmmm, I could ask X (I have a little grtoup of friend I've known for about 3 yrs now since having ds1) and then I'll tell myself that they won't want him because they don't relly consider me a friend and blah blah blah.

but MOSTLY now I can just do it and it's fine, but I find i have to just not think about it. I can arrange meet-ups with people and then I'll get scared and cancel, I have to really force myself to go. so I might tell dp and my mum that I am going, because I'd feel stupid telling them I'd cancelled, so I have to go.
does that make sense?

and you know what you said earlier has really stuck with me
"I did get to know one Mum from dd1's school - but then our dd's fell out and she told loads of other people about my 'past' with the DV etc, and I felt hurt again."

I know that you felt betrayed (and rightly so) but I also feel that anyone she told wouldn't feel anything but sympathy for you for having been in that situation and admiration for having got out of it. and if someone told me gossip like that I'd not think much of THEM.

it is a bit scary, jumping in at the deep end, but it will pay dividends. just keep on keeping on. persevere and eventually you will grow to know and like people. no-one expects you to open up straight away. but as you get to know people better you'll feel easier talking to them about the less superficial stuff.

I can really relate to what you say about cancelling meet-ups. I've done it quite a few times and just holed up at home instead...

I got in touch with an old friend from school on one of my more positive days and we arranged to meet this weekend (she's about an hour away though) - but am having to really force myself to go for some reason. And I've known her since we were 5! How long does it take to feel comfortable with someone fgs?!

I'm really glad I started this thread - it has just been so nice to find people who show some care and interest - thank you again

you might have to adjust your screen name a bit now you've picked up some virtual buddies on here

hope you have a good time with your school friend this weekend

hello friendless, unfortunately I live oop north so nowhere near you, but would also recommend you come and post on the SN board, we're a friendly bunch. carry on making yourself turn up to meetups etc- the more you do it, the less anxious you'll feel in the run up.

also have you ever heard of the special kids in the uk site, that is also a good board for SN.