How do I come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a second child?

[ChocolateMouse]

Just that really. It's not for biological reasons apart from the fact that I'm 37 years old. We have a 9 month old and have always dreamed of having more than one mainly because I was an only child. Partner and I talked of having more than one and he wholeheartedly agreed to that even when we went through IVF because of my endo. LO has been a total shock to the system for us both and has changed the dynamics of our relationship but I guess that happens to everyone, right? Now he says that he's allowed to change his mind if he wants to and he says that he will not have another.

I guess I have to start a grieving process somehow but I feel so let down. I know that I should appreciate my LO that I have now and I do but how on earth do I accept that my LO will never have a sibling?

Sorry for the ramble, I don't know who else to talk to.

I was adamant for years that I did not want another, but for almost a year now , after I lost an unplanned preganacy I have wanted a baby.

It won't happen because of mainly financial reasons and it breaks my heart.

I have no advice as I can't come to terms with it myself.

Hi Chocolate Mouse. He may change his mind - so give it a year before asking if he still feels the same way. In the meantime you are right to focus on your happiness at having a much-wanted child. What do you think has made him so adamant he doesn't want another?

He can change his mind back again can't he?

I didn't want a second after the first so I can sympathise with your DP. My DH just nagged and nagged and nagged until I gave in. The result was DS who is proud of the fact that he is Daddy's best idea.

Now I'd like a third but I am too old and too tired, and DH is even older and tireder.

Don't give it up as a bad job. He really will come to love a second child if he gives the idea a chance ...

HTH

Message withdrawn

Oh tsandp, I'm so sorry for your loss; thinking of you.

emwi, thanks for your reply. Well, where do I start? When LO was born he was a very difficult feeder and I was so keen on keeping on at breast feeding. Basically after 5 months of trying extremely hard with bf and top ups and had to give in. DP now says that he resents me for ever having started bfing and I believe that it has all started from here. We have many ups and downs but I have heard that this is normal in the first year.

Hi Chocolatemouse.

I'm sorry to read your story - sounds rather like mine!!!

Have been with DH for almost 10 years and I had finally come around to the idea of not having kids when DS (Now 6 months) popped up extremely unexpectedly!!! I adore him more than life itself but DH is adament that he doesn't want more (to be fair, he also has two DDs who are 10 and 14)

Our DS is just the most amazing, placid, happy, contented baby ever - sleeps well, feeds well, smiles, gurgles, only ever cries when he is hungry / wet / tired and it's STILL changed the dynamics of our relationship amazingly, so please don't blame any aspect of your DS's behaviour - it would have happened no matter what...

I would have another one in an instance, and it does make me sad that DS has no close relatives (we live here to be close to the DDs but they are much older than DS). I would love him to have a sibling...

Your DH has changed his mind once, he can do it again

Also, FWIW, don't be hard on your self about BFing... I mixed fed from day one (on advice!!!!) and DS was 100% FF from around 3months. I did feel bad when my milk dried up, but DS is thriving.

Oh, I am not sure if that's of any help, but I do know where you are coming from.

Yes it's very hard to come to terms with. I feel very mixed up about it despite the fact that I really cannot face having another one and dh and I have now made it impossible.

No advice really... but it is hard.

Oh chocolatemouse, sad that your DP has such negative feelings. Can't he understand that bf'ing is, when possible, the best option for your baby? It is for such a short time in the grand scheme of things as well.

as others have said, he might change his mind again - a friend of mine wanted a 3rd baby and her DH was adamant that 2 were enough but she finally wore him down and they now have 3 and he is thrilled.

I am not that keen on having a 2nd one but know that DH really is - and tbh it would be nice to have a DD this time, but I am concerned that I wouldn't be able to put as much time and effort into a 2nd as I have into DS.

The thing to do to come to terms with anything is to say "que sera, sera" (what will be, will be) and leave it in the lap of the gods/fate/ whatever.

I hope you find some resolution for your situation.

I have one DS and can't have any more, although both DH and I would have dearly loved to. It is hard to come to terms with - if you find out how will you let me know?

But your situation is different from mine. You could choose to have another, and you still have plenty of time. I really don't mean to sound harsh but frankly, you are lucky that you do have a choice. Give your DP a year or so, work out what the problems with your relationship are and try and fix them, and if all else fails, just get pregnant anyway.

Have you actually talked to DP about this properly? TBH he has let you down and you deserve a proper explanation.

Thanks QC for your reply. It would be lovely if he did change it back again but somehow I can't see it coming I'll try and think more positively QC. Just need the energy to

Thanks christiana for your reply. Congratulations on your pregnancy Yes I do feel so very let down and almost empty; it hurts but what can I do? DP has said it ever since LO was about 8 weeks old. He has mentioned finances so I have taken that into account but I think a major part of it could be to do with the fact that the dynamics of our relationship has been affected negatively. I just don't feel like he cares about my feelings anymore, (example, he says that when I cry about something it 'annoys' him so he ignores me - great!) Counselling is something I have thought about but not got around to sorting it out yet. Are couple counselling sessions very expensive?

Thanks TSO for your kind words. Wow, our stories sounds so similar! How do you cope with feeling this way? I've been with DP for 18 years since Uni. Thanks so much for saying it's nothing to do with LO, I didn't think it was either but you know sometimes people make you wonder otherwise...... Oh and I still feel upset about the breastfeeding but I know I did the best that I could. Thanks so much for your insight

On the breastfeeding point, I think men can have trouble realising how important failing this is to women. My dh has always tried to make me laugh and rolled his eyes when I've been upset about it, but really couldn't understand why I cried about it - I couldn't do it at all. But you know what? You succeeded at it! Maybe not as long as you wanted to, but for a good time.

Hi Chocolate Mouse

I appreciate that if you are still hoping for a second child you may not want to visit the one child family topic, but there have been some threads there which discuss some of these same questions about acceptance (if that's the right word) and how to go forward when you and your partner have differing views.

You might be interested to read this thread, or this one or this one.

It is hard - and I know it sounds glib - but the two things that helped me accept that I'd never have a second child were time and focusing on the fact that if (as we did) you have massive medical problems to overcome, having even one child is something to celebrate.

Hi Chocolatemouse, it sounds like there's quite a lot going on with your dp. Couples counselling might help but so might getting a babysitter and going out for a meal and a drink and a chat or having a meal night at home with nice food and candles and wine. At the moment you feel let down and he feels annoyed and to be honest I think feelings along these lines are very usual with a new baby. The best way to move forward is to remember the things that you like doing together and do them. After another year you and he will probably forget most of the trauma of the first six months or so. You can also start to convince him that the second time around you can avoid all the problems you had the first time and as your baby gets more of a personality he'll begin to appreciate him more and possibly see that a sibling would be a great idea. It's too early to give up on the idea of a sibling and it's also much to early to make it an issue with your dp.

M favourite quote is this:

Between pain and nothing, I will choose pain.

That sums it up for me. If I had never had DS, I would never have known all of these feelings and, while it's tough to admit I probably won't have another baby, I would go to hell and back for my darling DS.

BDV is right - for now, just enjoy your DS, concentrate on getting the dymanics of your relationship back to where they ought to be (never going to be back where they were!!! ) and then think about the whole thing again.

I suppose I still haven't said 'never' and I'm not sure I ever will. DS was such a bloody surprise!!!!! If another LO popped along, I wouldn't be sad at all... but if it doesn't happen, then so be it. I guess....

Hi Chocolate Mouse - sorry that you are feeling this. However, please remember that your dc is still very young and is sure to be affecting the dynamics of your relationship quite considerably - if only due how tiring it can be to look after a young child.

37 isn't too old to be considering a 2nd for some time. I was well into 37 when I had ds - and that was afer geting to th top of the NHS IVF list twice...

2 mc later, I think that ds will be an only. Probably. Although I've not quite given up hope yet. Can't get to the stage where I'll get rid of all the stuff that's in the attic. I think I've gone through a grieving process - quite different from the mc grief - over the last 3 or 4 months.

For the moment you don't need to worry. Concentrate on enjoying your dc and working at your relationship. You've got time in hand.