for anyone who?s taken ADs and is now off them ...

[Thisisalow]

Name-changer for this. Very quick background: I?ve had medium to serious depression on and off for 10 years and it is back with a vengeance. I?m anxious, very irritable, exhausted, very easily distracted, all the usual stuff. My poor dcs and dh are putting up with it, but it?s really not fair on any of them for it to continue like this.

I?ve got to the point where I can?t face the really really hard work that is involved in trying to make myself better without drugs, and I?ve also got to the point where I?m not feeling guilty about it. In the past I have had plenty of counselling, CBT, taken all the supplements, dropped alcohol, caffeine etc etc, and the only thing that ever really worked was ADs, which I took twice when I had PND.

The only thing stopping me going to my GP and asking for ADs for at least 6 months is that when I came off ADs the last time I remember thinking that all the time I was on them, it wasn?t really me, rather a chemically-induced glossy me-lite, iykwim. While you?re on them, of course, you?re convinced that?s not the case, and this is the real you. Is this just something I have to accept as part of accepting my illness? (probably)

But any thoughts from anyone who?s been on them ? was it you all that time, or was it Prozac-you? - would be gratefully received.

(Am off out now, but will check back later today)

You poor thing. I do know what you mean. I was on citalopram twice in the last few years and, when I look back I did feel as thought that wasn't me.

However, the way I looked at it was there were only 2 choices - taking the ADs and having a slightly unreal version of a coping, happy me or not taking them and struggling for months to get through it without.

My own view these days is, if medication is the thing that helps, so be it. I think if people can get through without them, that's great. But, to me, there's no shame in needing chemical assistance!

Hope you start to feel better soon. I know it's a cliche and who can drag themselves out to exercise when they feel like that, but, for me, exercise really did help. Just the fresh air and daylight going to the park with the kids made alot of difference.

I don't feel at all 'not me' on ADs. In fact I feel that the difference they make is too slight to amount to a 'not me', though it is still valuable.

If ADs do make such a profound change in you, why call the AD-self the inauthentic one? Why be harder on the self that functions better, the self that you have chosen and engineered by taking the ADs?

Why favour the self that has been chosen for you by the processes of illness? It is no less neuro-chemically conditioned than the AD self, and it gives you less responsibility for, less control of, how you feel and act, not more. In this sense the non-AD self is less you.

Thanks so much for your answers (and apologies for the annoying ?s ).

remote - yes, I think that I don't have much choice at the moment. btw, I do try to get out for a walk, and it helps briefly, but it is so hard (pathetically) that is almost not worth it.

Threadworrm, the difference it makes for me is pronounced, but perhaps it's just a matter of degree and not 'inauthentic'. It's just such a difference, I'm at my most light-hearted, cheerful, optimistic, energetic all the time - which is great, don't get me wrong, but I kind of miss the light and shade and sarcastic wit that is also me and is absent. Obviously I'm very demanding in wanting both!

(Also no libido, but then no libido now, so no change there.)

That's a difficult one. Reminds me of that case documented in one of the Oliver Sachs books of a man with Tourettes. Sachs gave him some medication which apparently doused the tourettish behaviour. But the man said that it also doused some of his quirkiness -- verbal quirkiness, I think, but also the creative impulsiveness of his jazz playing. Or something.

I think that if the depression is serious enough you should be prepared to forgo some of the light and shade. But I also wonder and perhaps I am gheneralising too much from my own experience of ADs whether the uniform lightness, the absence of sarcasm -- are really a function of the ADs. I've been on and off them lots of times and I would never have said that they flattened my personality in this way. The depression is more likely to do that (for me). Could it just be the natural evolution and fluctuation of personaility over time>

Threadworrm, yes, the depression certainly flattens me, although there are distinct, if very squashed, layers of depression, rage and tears. Thinking about the ADs I wonder whether the type (fluoxetine) or dose just wasn't right for me. I felt on a high all the time - almost, but not quite, manic. So I might ask for something different this time.

Today has been tearful and very tiring and reading back through this thread really makes me think I'm just putting off the inevitable. I must get me to the quack.

Thisisalow, I totally sympathise with you.. I;ve had depression on and off and been on ADs for 15 years. I am currently reducing my dose quite successfully and hope to be off them by spring. ANyway, I found I still felt like myself on them. I have taken most of the SSRIs over teh years and one of the SNRIs which have a more profound calming effect ime. I prefered sertraline over the others so do try other types as different ones suit different people better.
ALso, as others have said, if yo uare this depressed, ti may be worth sacrificing a little of the 'authentic' you for the sake of your health. Personally, I never felt that was teh case, but I appreciate that soem people feel that way.
Good luck. A short course of ADs might get you off the ground a bit?

I was on ADs for about 6 months 2-3 years ago. I recently felt things slipping again, as you describe - tears all the time, even at work, not sleeping, snapping at everyone etc and I didn;t want to go back to GP, so I thought I'd try St John's Wort as a recent study foudn it as effective as Prozac - and I feel much better since starting it 4 weeks ago, whether it is placbo or not I don't really care! It might be worth a go anyway

Thanks nicky and ducky

Yes, I think I'll have to stop being precious about the 'authentic moi' and take the medicine ...

St J's Wort has worked to an extent in the past, but I've been on it for almost 2 months (from when I first felt myself going back down-hill) and I'm afraid it's like peeing on a bonfire.

thisisalow I just read your post with interest. I have just been diagnosed with 'mild' PND (DD2 6 months old, DD1 2.5yrs old).

HV thinks I don't need AD's but I can't see a way out of this. I feel that I am doing all the right 'non-medication' things, i.e. talking openly about it with friends and family, having time away on my own, exercising etc etc.

I work in the medical profession and I understand that depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain (hope I'm not condesecnding you btw ). This is completely out of our control, which is why, in some instances, AD's are the only answer, because you need them to balance out the chemical imbalance in your brain.

So it's not that you are not yourself on ADs, I would say you are yourself on ADs, you are not yourself when you are not on them and need them, IYSWIM. Does that help?

Message withdrawn

Gooddaysandbaddays, your last line makes perfect sense and you are helping more than the Thisisalow.

Its good for me to read other people's experiences and so many elements of what people are posting I can apply to myself.

I have been on Fluoxetine for about a year now, I keep trying to take myself off them (when I start to feel well again) but I feel myself sliding back down again. Im having CBT at the mo which is helping and the combination of taking the fluoxetine regularly and that has me on the up again.

I just wish I could stop beating myself up about my lack of libido, its affecting me quite badly and I feel like I am doing my dh a disservice because I am really am just not interested at all. If only I could have it all, happiness and a bloody good sex drive !

GoodDays Don't worry, not condescending I know the feeling of not being able to see a way out. I would by-pass your HV and go to your GP to ask his/her advice. As you say, it's hard enough doing all the right things, even harder when you don't want to get up in the morning. Sometimes the drugs can provide a life-belt to get you back to shore.

Dior I much prefer my glossy happy self in many ways too and frankly at the moment it's very shitty, so perhaps I shouldn't ask for the moon and just get on and be happy.

mumtocharlieandlola Thanks. Not sure what you meant by me helping more than thisisalow??? typo??? Bit confused!

I have very low libido too. It's a big issue for me, not like my normal self. I feel tremendous guilt that I am not able to do what DH wants. At first he didn't seem to 'get it' (no pun intended!) but since the HV last week saying I had PND, he seems more understanding (he's a wonderful DH btw).

I am going to see my GP on Monday. I'll def talk to her about pnd. I really do feel like I need help.