Am I depressed or does every new mum go through this? Long rant sorry...

[BlueJellie]

Don't know where to start really. My DS is 8 weeks old next week, and I haven't really felt 'myself' since he was born. For rasons I won't delve into as it will be too long, he was in NNU for a week until we had him home, and it was the worst week of my life, never felt emotional pain like it. After having him home I felt better but I just don't feel like I'm coping as a mum at all at the moment. He's colicky and doesn't sleep well, and I find it impossible to sleep in the day, when he does sleep sometimes, I'm lying awake my brain ticking over and over, or I'm panicking he's about to wake up. I dread him waking up sometimes. The times he does sleep I just manage to get on top of the laundry and washing up before he's up again. I have to wait for DP to be home from work before I can have a shower and get dressed, generally pull myself together. I feel like every day is the same and I'm really unhappy. I seem to have no appetite and just eat to keep functioning, I'm overweight anyway so this isn't that big of a deal. I find myself on the verge of tears most days, nd cometimes cry when t gets a bit too much. My DP says it's probably just my hormones, but is this normal so long after the birth? I'm scared to talk to anyone else about it as don't want people to think I don't love my DS, because I do more than anything, I just don't think I'm handling looking after a baby well at all. I don't know if I should see a doctor and tell them any of this, or just wait it out if it is hormonal??

A new child is hard. However my gut reaction ( and I am in no way qualified) would be to talk to your health visitor.

Better to have the help even if you don't need it than not get help and it be serious.

hi bluejellie i just wanted to write down a message of hope to you i myself have had post natal depression and this is what it sounds like you are experiencing i would urge you to see your family gp and tell him/her what you have been feeling there is so much help out there but you have to ask for it i had a brilliant health visitor who checked on me every week a cpn and a home start volanteer who was and still is a big part of our family. it wont go away by itself unfortunatley and no one will think badly of you its an illness like any other although you cant see it.
there is light at the end of the tunnel.im here if you want any helpxxx

BJ,noone feels normal 8 weeks after having a baby.
For me,it was more like 10 months.
You've been through one of the biggest physical and emotional changes you will ever experience.
Give it time.

Thanks for your advice. I agree its hard, I knew it would be but it's so much harder than I ever comprehended when pregnant! I just fell a bit like its baby baby baby 24/7 and it gets me down, plus not having much time with DP as if he's home I need to try and get sleep. I think I will spek to the HV, she always asks how I am but to be honest I just smile and say fine cause I feel ashamed I'm not enjoying my baby

agree with moondog. I felt like this at 8 weeks also. to be quite frank, I didn't want to kill myself but I thought life seemed immeasurably long.....it's when YOU can't sleep that it's worst isn't it? being awoken by a baby is nothing compared with being unable to get back to sleep even though you desperately need rest.

What worked for me was sorting out tiny little problems, a sort of "I can't solve the big problems but I can install a dishwasher and therefore have slighter fewer arguments with DH". And then: "I don't feel I love my baby but I'll keep breastfeeding anyway" sort of thing....

You might have PND but try asking DP to take some days off work before concluding this - 8 weeks is a classic moment to hit a huge low.

By the way, I was eventually sent to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as being miserable and pissed off. She was right. It wasn't PND but I really did think life wasn't worth living.

Does this help bluejellie? Hundreds of MNers who have felt the same things.

It is completely normal, don't panic, hang on in there. If you like your HV, do talk to her.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=behaviour_development&threadid=476723-overwhelmed-with-new-baby-please- tell-me-it-s-normal#10005353

I have never given advice on here before but this jumped out at me: 'I have to wait for DP to be home from work before I can have a shower and get dressed, generally pull myself together'. I did this with first baby for a while but with next ones I put them in a carseat in the bathroom with me and had a 5min shower, quick 5min getting dressed. Baby often did cry for the whole 10mins but at least I was dressed and could then go out for a walk. It is hard to feel you are coping when you are not dressed by afternoon. Congratulations by the way - sounds like you have had a tough begining but it will get easier.

Hi, don't worry although it's horrid feeling like this it is quite normal - I couldn't agree more with onFriday defo have a shower with baby in car seat or moses basket, just leave the door oprn then it doesn't steam up - defo go out for a walk - exercise and fresh air will make you feel tons better - it makes you release serotin which makes you feel happier.

I used to suffer from depression years ago and when i fell PG with DD1 I was very wary of post natal depression wth my history and I read in loads of PGmags and books the importance of getting dressed in a morning and getting out and about - I was totally on my own too with DD1 but was determined not to let depression get the better of me

Talk to your Health Visitor or hubby and make sure someone knows how you feel - it will all pass quickly for you I hope - or get to a mum and baby group then you can sit feeling dog tired with a load of people in the same position, might make you feel better, good luck

i agree with moondog

( for once - i jest!)

err 8 weeks 1st baby - life still a blurr
it is still very very early days and a LOT changes with every week

ds5 is 17 weeks and i would say at 10 weeks the light appeared at the end of the tunnel

things looking up now but it can take a while

not wanting to under mine other posters but not necessarily PND at this stage

choose one thing a week to move a bit forward with

maybe try to get dressed earlier for a few days and see how you feel

take things slowly x

god that thread has made me feel so much better. Nobody tells you how hard they find these first few weeks I just thought I must be a crap mum because Im obviously not coping as well as other people do. A lot if the posts could've been written by me! It's not all doom and gloom, sometimes I get him chilled out and napping on me and it's nice to have a cuddle even though it's from the little monster that's giving me trouble. I think I'm overwhelmed sometimes by how I can want to get away from and in the next breath be so close to someone. DP does find it hard too, so Im not alone - just feel I should be coping better cuz Im the mummy - and feel like a right twit crying so often. Come to think if it I feel as emotional if not more as when I was pregnant! I guess I thought pregnancy was the tough part and Id be having a whale of a time when my baby came when in reality it's not like that and bloody hard graft.

Ahhhh. I really feel for you. It can be so tough can't it? I remember it all being a bloody rude awakening and being totally miserable for months. Having a baby is one of the most stressful life events. Some of us cope better than others. Of course you're not a bad mum. You're just learning and things won't be so intense after a while. the hormones and sleep deprivation make everything seem so much worse. At least you are aware of the help that's out there. Tap into it if your instinct tells you, you need it.

We're all different but I definitely also found if I made it out for a short walk that it lifted my mood. When you're ready, mixing with other new mums helps too.

Lots of love and luck. It will get easier x

agree with the others about getting dressed.

btw BlueJellie - the other thing to mention is that none of this is predictive of your future as a mother/family. The baby who's hardest to parent can be the easiest toddler with the calmest mother. Trust me on this one. Some of your friends who have it fairly easy right now are going to have shocks further down the line.

Thanks all for your kind words and advice, on a lighter note I took your advice and had a shower today wth him sat in the bathroom in the car seat. Funnily enough he liked the sound of the running water and sat quite content watching! Even managed to get some clothes on, so nice to be clean and dressed before 2pm lol! I think its just dawned on me I don't have to get him to sleep before I can do anything, and sometimes its ok to let him cry if I've already tried everything. Will try going ot with the pram once a day once the weather has cleared up, it seems to have been raining for 3 days straight by me.

The first 10 weeks are the worst, it generally does get better after that and you devise ways of coping e.g. making sure you at least get washed and dressed and out of the house. It is all perfectly normal and I'd give it a couple of weeks before you worry too much about depression. I cried virtually non-stop for the first couple of months with dd2 and I am/was definitely not depressed just hormonal. If you're not feeling at least a teeny bit better soon though it might be worth talking to your GP/hv.

hi read your message and just wanted to reassure you, you are not alone. I have PND and son has just turned one. it does get better as time goes on. today i have had crap morning son being sick, i also have relationship problems. i felt beack at square one feeling i couldnt cope. but you get up and get on with it. i agree with having a shower, i still strap son in car seat in bathroom while i have a quick shower. am back at work now and finding it hard juggling everything. start looking into childcare if poss. my son started at 7 months 2 afternons per week and that helps. chin up. x

thanx new mummy. I'm going back to work when he is 9 months old, that will be another mountain to climb! When do you think you first developed PND? After reading this and other threads I'm confident that isn't an issue for me as I feared but I am going to keep an eye on i if I don't feel better in a few weeks time. Same question to CandyFluff, when did you realise your feelings were related to PND?

Just wanted to second what everyone else has said...I felt just the same after my first, and the worst thing was, I thought I must be such a crap mum to be feeling that way. I nearly walked out so many times. Believe me, in a few months you'll realise there really was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn't an oncoming train

But still, talk to your HV and DP and anyone else you can - if anyone offers help (with the washing, for example) then say YES! and go have a really looooong shower! I did the 'I feel fine, honestly' thing too, and you wouldn't believe how many mums do. Most, probably, as 90% of my friends admit (now I know the truth!) that they felt just the same.

Having a new baby is not HARD work, but it is RELENTLESS. But the good news is...this too will pass.

Having your baby in NNU must have been incredibly tough, and you have to cut yourself some slack for finding it difficult to adapt. Most of us do - especially if we had a picture n our mind of it all being very lovely (again I think most of us do). Also some babies are very hard work, and that can be very exhausting.

It might be worth trying out a sling if he is crotchety - the movement can be very soothing, and it allows you to get on with things (albeit a little slower). My dd was a little like your son - very demanding and unpredictable (known as "the limpet" because she insisted on being carried and jiggled all the time). However she has been (generally) an easy and fairly delightful child ever since (although I dread her teens!).

Could you cope with meeting other mums? I found my local NCT group great, just to see that everyone else was struggling too - usually with slightly different things, some of which I found easier, which was nice too. Do enlist help - you don't need to say you are struggling if you don't want to, but you may well find there are things available locally, some of which you might enjoy, whether it is a coffee morning, or baby massage/yoga, whatever takes your fancy really. Try for one new thing a week perhaps, so it isn't overwhelming.

Hi BJ

This is just how I felt and DD is not 8 months (today!!!)

I found that if I could get showered and dressed before lunchtime I would always feel I ahd achieved something I actually had a list of things i wrote each morning when i got up which looked abit like this;

shower
dresses
breakfast
lunch
tea
drinks
put washing on
tidy living room

I would then tick off each one, mostly the last couple would be carried over to the next day

DD used to ahve a nap quite early on and I found I could ahve a shower and it wouldn't wakr her up (even though it is literally on the other side of her wall)

Also I always made sure I ate breakfast and lunch, was breastfeeding and knew that this would be the first thing to go out the window ans that would make me poorly.

Slow and steady wins the race.

PLease don't think about what other mums are doing and how much better than you they are, all you need to think about is how to enjoy your baby and what you will be eating and drinking today. It does get better but it takes time, one day you will realise its all fallen into place, kind of

Hi I read your post and wanted to say how much I can relate to how you are feeling. I was an absolute mess after my DD (now 11mo) was born and would sometimes secretly ask myself if we had made a mistake having a child, and then feel overwhelmingly guilty for that thought.

She was also colicky and would cry from 9pm until sometimes 4 or 5 am! Only stopping to bf, which I couldn't physically do 7 hours straight! My DP and I were zombies, and I couldn't stop crying. Like you, when I did have a chance to sleep, I would lie in bed tense and unable to drift off.

I became convinced that I had PND and spoke to several people about it. I was referred to a psychologist, who I saw at around 7 weeks, and who said yes I was depressed. This made me feel worse. I saw my mother that evening and told her, and she said, "You are not depressed, you are just tired." I know it sounds simplistic, but it made me feel so much better. At her suggestion we all went to her house the next night and I gave her a few bottles of expressed milk and my DD. DP and I went to the guest bedroom and slept all night. (BTW my GP told me I could take a travel sickness pill to help me sleep). I can't tell you how much better I felt the next day. The next time I saw the psychologist and told her this, she said that if one night's sleep made a difference it probably WASN'T PND but exhaustion !

By around 10 weeks the colic passed and DD started sleeping, and I started to feel human again.

When she was born several friends told me that the first 3 months were 'difficult'. For me they were much worse than that... but I can't tell you how much better it gets ... you are almost past the worst of it, hang in there !