I gave birth to DS back in June and in the beginning, things were great. I already had a 4 yo DD who, although trying at times, is actually a pretty good girl. However, I don't think I have been a particularly good mum to DD before DS was born. CBeebies was the regular babysitter in this house, I couldn't face the mess of arty activities at home, which DD loves doing and most days, I wouldn't even leave the house, preferring to sit on the pc all day. The other side of that is that I was a student, undertaking an early years degree and working but when I fell pg, I had to leave my job and couldn't get another one. I posted on here about it and was told that it would be unlikely that anyone would take me on at 5 months pg.
DS' arrival bought about a change in me. I now force myself to go out and do things but part of the reason for that is that I have to get up anyway to do the school run with DD so I'm out anyway. Whereas I wouldn't bother with housework, I do it now and the majority of the time, I actually like doing it. I still need a kick up the arse sometimes, but generally, things were going well and I was happy.
But then, the state of our home started to get me down. The fact that there is thick black mould growing on DD's bedroom wall, the fact that there are 4 of us now sleeping in one bedroom, the fact that DS still wakes up 2/3 times a night to be fed and because DH works, feels it is my job to do every single time. I can understand his POV to a certain extent, but then I get pissed off with him again because I read on here and talk to people in RL who tell me that despite the hours their partners work, they still manage to share the day to day household drudgery.
Now, I am at the point where I simply can't be bothered with anything. I barely manage to get DD up and out the door to school. Today we didn't even manage it and because she has been here all day, I've been snappy and shouty at her. DS is quite clingy and is getting me down because I now can't get on with the things that need doing around the house. Our house is too small for the 4 of us and despite clearing as much out as we can, there isn't enough room for all the paraphernalia associated with a child and a young baby, not to mention the stuff that DH and I have. My personal belongings now consist of my studying stuff (am studying again with a view to returning to uni in Sept), a few books, my clothes and a few viseos/cd's/dvds.
The Housing Association won't move us because they don't transfer. We now have to apply to the local authority to go on their waiting list which is closed. We are in arreres and have no way of clearing them either so it seems we are going to be stuck here forever. We have considered private renting but just cannot afford to do it. We were taken to court a while back about our arrears and told that if we did not pay even one month, we would be evicted. We cannot pay our rent or the arrears this month and I am dreading what is going to happen to us.
All of these things added together are making me so miserable, I often wonder if there is a point to all of it. DH and I are getting on atm, which is surprising because we normally fall apart under any sort of pressure. He is doing his best, he works 16/17 hour days, we hardly see him, yet I can't even be arsed to get washed, dressed and at times, take DD to school. I'm so tired of my life at the moemnt that to be honest, I just want an end to it all.
I'm tired of having no money to even cover the basic bills let alone anything else, I'm tired of denying DD the things she wants or needs because we can't scrape together the money for it. I'm tired of living in a total shit hole with no real idea of how to get out of it. I just wanted to be a normal, happy mum, who looked after her kids to the best of her ability. I can't do it and I'm tired of trying.