Just what is happening to me?

[SoIAmNotAlone]

Today dp and I were watching the re run of x-factor and he innocently said one of the female contestants was pretty...

I spent the next 2 hours crying...and refused to talk to him!!!

I have ds1 who is 10 and ds2 1yr. All of a sudden i feel so alone, feel i am the only one who feels this way, lay awake most of the night as when i sleep i have awful dreams of something bad happening to ds's.

I hate the way i look, I had my hair cut a few weeks ago and now i hate it yet i loved it.

I have since having ds1 almost lived in jeans now i feel crap in them????

i feel exhausted, tearful,touchy, bad tempered, far too much of the time.

I want dp to hug me but then he will ask or try to and i turn away....yet i love him with all my heart.

DS1 has some behavioural issues which do get me down as I know he is capable of behaving so much better. And always has done...DP is not his father but is his dad, i know he is not picking on him but i accuse him of it, i accuse him of treating ds1 and ds2 differently when if i think about it it is me that does this.

I am scared all the time and I don't know of what. I want to talk to my dad daily and tell him as i know he would make me feel better but i can't he died 5 yrs ago. I was not like this then but all of a sudden nothing is making sense to me.....its like nobody will ever understand what i am feeling like. so instead i just smile to the outside world and carry on when really i just want to shout I AM HERE!!!

can you give dp a copy of this message,

you express yourself very well here,

maybe he needs to understand how you feel,

Sneaker, I can't I feel he would brush it off as silliness....maybe thats just because I am so down???

I am sitting here on the brink of tears again and for nothing. All he has done is ask if we have any eggs!!!!

i think you may need to re assess,

i am finding things hard at the moment too,

and i can relate to the crying at ther drop of a hat over pretty women and eggs

you need to talk to him, or at least wite something down,

your op was very very eliquient (sp?)

get thee to the doc in the morning - you are sounding very depressed.

Thumb, I can't understand why I am depressed...my life is great, my 2 ds's are gorgeous, dp is wonderful.

Is it the bad experiences i had in the past? my dad dying so suddenly? my nan 2 yrs later? my grandad the yr before?

I don't know

is it having a baby after such a long gap? 9 years to be exact.

I am constantly questioning myself as to why I feel so badly about myself. I am not ugly or fat, I don't over eat, in fact tonight was the first time in many months i ate a whole meal. Dp does an awful lot to help me as DS2 is generally attached to me...he is very much a mummys boy. And yet i resent the fact he does so much and start a silly row which then escalates and I will then say "See I told you you don't love me, you never heelp"

See what I mean it is so silly but i don't know how to stop.

Sneaker lol sorry i am not really laughing but how silly did I sound, being on the brink of tears over him asking if we had any eggs.

hormones, lovey.
But yes, it might also be a hangover from losing so many LOs in quick succession.

I'd go with the hormones thing myself though - apparently PND can take a while to strike

have a look at this website and see if it strikes any chords with you

well,

i have indeed lost my rag before now lost it over something as simple as eggs,

it is tough,

you sound like you have had huge losses over a short time,

this would be difficult for anyone,

hug your boys,

and your dp sounds fab,

maybe ask your doc for help if needs be,

but you know what,

imho,

at times like this,

MN is fab

have just re-read your post about eating - WHY is it the first time in many months that you have eaten a whole meal? are you starving yourself? Have you lost your appetite?

There may be some nutritional insufficiencies that are contributing to your feelings - lack of essential fatty acids can be a problem, possibly lack of zinc, can't really diagnose it over the internet (and a GP won't know) - let me know the answers to the qus and I can advise further.

Sneaker thats why I came here!!

I changed from my usual chat name as I am embarrassed!because I always type as if all is well and I can find the funny side in everything.

I was extremely close to my Grandad and when he died I thought things were going to fall apart for me yet they didn't when dad died they didn't then when my nan died i began to fall apart but with the help of family i pulled up.

Then I had ds2 last yr, I could not say his birth was traumatic in the typical sense of the word but it was in as much as he was born a month early at home (unplanned) in less than 5 minutes. When I was asking how is my baby paramedics and dp thought i was talking about ds2 when i was more concerned with ds1.

ds2 then spent 5 days in scbu when i got him home having not been allowed to hold him, i didn't put him down,

Thumb, i have barely any appetite, i think it stems from the fact that when ds2 was being weaned i would feed him as i ate which was easy. Now he still wants the same which is fine for me but then my food goes cold so i don't eat. But as I don't sleep much when I wake generally around 3am I am always looking for food.

I do eat just not all of what is on my plate for the most part.

you know sometimes you can be depressed and not know the reason for it. the feelings you have of 'i shouldn't be depressed i should be happy with everything i have' are just another way of you being down on yourself and seeing faults instead of the positive.

i have felt this way exactly a year after the births of each child.

please see your GP. they won't pry into why you feel this way. just tell them your symptoms and see what they offer you to help.

my DS1 was in scbu for five days too, and i wasn't allowed to hold him...i didn't put him down again for weeks.

Dragon, I assume that I never related my feelings to the birth of ds2 because with ds1 i was so jolly etc. Like with ds1 i centre everything around ds2 to a certain extent. I think in the last 14m I have probably had 6 showers/baths alone!!!

Dragon thats exactly how I have been with ds2. I don't know its like there is a fear of someone telling me again I can't touch/feed/hold him.

low appetite is potentially a symptom of zinc insufficiency, and zinc deficiency is linked with depression so it could be that simple.

look at this website for info on the link between zinc and depression. increasing your serum zinc by supplementation is probably preferable to going on anti-deps, but it does rather depend on why you are low on zinc. you're not vegetarian, are you?

if you're ready to make it change for the better then get thee to the doctor missy.

i started AD's 2 months ago and have gone from crying at everything to having survived a tough job interview and am going back to work feeling confident. the turnaround can be quite quick.

Thimb noooo not Vegetarian at all tonight i easily munched my way through 3 1.2 lamb chops ( I know greedy!!) mash veg and gravy followed about 2 hours later by noodles.

Dragon I want things to change and will make appt tomorrow with gp.

Until then any ideas on getting myself in some sort or order? even my flat is suffering....

Just why is everything great with ds2 and not dp or ds1? God i feel awful typing that!

don't feel bad.

up to you but you could try getting yourself a multi-mineral supplement (containing zinc of course!) and see if that makes any difference to you. It would take a few days, even maybe a couple of weeks to really make a difference though.

Thumb, that can really make a difference?

I will have to pop to the shop tomorrow.

Thanks xx

if that is the cause, then yes, it can really make a massive difference.