Completely out of my depth.

[lostatsea]

Have had a really tough two years, and despite suffering with depression my overall philosophy, sense of humour, and optimism usually pulls me through. But I am at the moment swimming upstream and am so tired and just want to stop.

Too many details to go into but generally,

We are in debt, which is partly my fault as I got into the habit of 'treating' myself when things got crap.

Relationship with DS is such a struggle and I have had threads going about this. He is such hard work and we are seeing CAMHS, have a social worker and a family liason officer. . I think many of his problems stem from me suffering PND and being a shit mum.

He is a nightmare and last year H said if we didn't give him up for adoption, H would leave. He was struggling with DS and part of me understood, but for me it sucked the soul out of our relationship and I have been struggling ever since. He found the samaritans number on my phone earlier this year, (needed to talk, nothing else) and we tried to draw a line and move on. But he was drinking heavily and has anger management problems. he would drink, shout at DS, say really crap things which IMO made things worse, say crap things to me. Say sorry and it would all start again.
I tried and tried and tried but in August I said I wanted to split up. He begged for another chance but things continued until he said he wanted to divorce me because I am 'not right in the head'..

I talked him into stopping drinking the very strong lagers that he preferred but he said that was the worst point of our relationship, despite all that we had been through.

However he changed what he was drinking and to be fair things have improved and he has tried, but for me life has changed us so much and I simply don't feel the same.

The story of my 'friend' weaves into this and makes it all the more complicated. Have always liked and admired him and think if we had met under different circumstances would definately have liked to get to know him better.

I kept the feelings in perspective and tried to just enjoy having him as part of my life. (it was all legitimate). My grandad died last year as things got really bad at home and every thing I felt for my friend just exploded and it rocked my world. I still kept trying to keep the family unit going but the feelings if I am honest were making it complicated.

I cut contact as far as I could, and now wish I hadn't, even though it was the 'right' thing to do. He made me feel so good about myself and stopped my world from spinning out of control. I try to be positive. Run and cycle, keep busy. Lost the weight I needed to, plans to get my career back on track (my current 'job' is sort of 'household services...cleaning, ironing, etc).
I see him about, as we live, work, socialise in the same areas,, and I swing between the joy of seeing him and the pain of, well just pain.

I suffer from the kind of depression where I try to hide it and show the world I am coping, apart from to a small number of very good friends. But oh god I am struggling and every time I try to talk to H he changes the subject. We have had a massive row and are not speaking.
My 'friend' has had some bad luck and I want so badly to reach out and offer my sympathy, but I can't. And bacause I cut contact I have suddenly realised I won't see him at all at christmas and for some reason it has gutted me.

As i said, I feel as if I am swimming up stream and at the moment, just feel like stopping swimming. Know I shouldn't, but am so tired of it all.

You are all so lovely, and this thread in particular is a great comfort, but not doing too well....
Shit, all this is just the bare bones of the mess of my life. If I put all the details in I think it would overwhelm me.

If you read this, thank-you and I will be back when I have cleared some of the cobwebs but am finding it hard to keep my 'sunny disposition'.
Hugs and xxxxxx's to you all. I put this in this thread under this name as I don't want to take up the beautiful mood of our usual thread with it all. You do all truly all make a differencs, and feel like friends.

I have never read any of your threads before but I just wanted to do a v unmumsnet thing and give you a hug. I remember that hideous feeling of continuously treading water but just wanting to stop it and sink to the bottom. I have a very supportive dh so I can't imagine how it must be for you but I definitely reached a turning point when I stopped trying to keep afloat and I let myself sink to the bottom. I just found that I didn't 'drown' as I feared but slowly bobbed back up.

I also do the same thing with my depression. Nobody would believe I suffered from pnd and that I have been seeing a therapist for the past 5 years because I have told only three people and people think I am such a coper. I have put on an oscar winning performance so I know exactly how you feel.

I hope writing it all down on this thread has made you feel a bit better though.

oh no, you sound like you are having an awful time...do you have anyone you could stay with for a while? it sounds like your man is dragging you down and draining away the girl you are/were. at some point, you have to make the decision to go as you are both hurting each other and your child.
i imagine that they guy you wish you were in contact with will have his faults too, but, cliche time - life really is too short.

i do hope you do the right thing for you and your son, whatever that may be.

My god you are really going through it. You have so much on your plate - way more than me - and I'm struggling to cope.
One thing that helps me, may sound silly, but just taking deep breaths - helps when I just want to weep or collapse.
xxxxx

I'm so sorry Lostatsea.

Oh, Lostatsea and (hug)

Sitting here, millions of miles away, it is easy for me to say what you should do. But my thoughts are probably not helpful.

Do you have help with your depression? If so, does it actually work? Does something need to change?

Could you leave your DH? Life is too short to spend it in a relationship that makes one or both of you unhappy. I know it's not as simple as just walking away but do you think couples counselling might help? From what you say it sounds as though your feelings wouldn't change so it probably wouldn't be useful.

What would happen if you made contact with your friend?

I deal with depression the same way you do - I appear very chirpy and no-one suspects a thing. But it is a very hard thing to keep up and is quite exhausting.

Please be kind to yourself.

And come back soon. Lots of us are CATable (you are not, I tried!) so you can email if you want to.

lostatsea, I wish I could just come and sit bside you and hold your hand.
x

Oh Lost

I wish I could give you a big hug. Are you on anti-deps? Do you think they would help? Or if you are do you need to review the dosage etc?

Do you think it would help to get away for a while? Give you and DH a chance to miss each other (or realise you're better off [wry smile]) or perhaps have counselling together - it might help you both see the way a bit clearer.

Is the stuff between DH and DS constant? That must put you all under a lot of pressure. And does DH drink a lot - you say he's drinking less strong stuff but does he drink every day? Might it be worth talking to al-anon or someone to get some perspective on how that issue might be affecting things.

Anyway, sorry to talk at you. you didn't ask for advice so if you've rolled your eyes and not got this far, then never mind! Like SB says, we're all here and you're welcome any time, and to e-mail or cat if you want. I love your chirpy presence but don't feel that's the only side of you that you can show. See you soon, take the time you need but don't be a stranger.

Writing it down was helpful and scary, lucky winner. I hate feeling like this. I don't have anyone I can stay with bongosmum, and finances are tight even without the debts. Once I get back on track, it will be my next goal to get on top of those.
Deep breathing is not silly collareddove, and is part of a simple meditation technique I try to use, but don't seem to remember what to do when things get this bad.
I am on antidepressants at the moment and they seemed to be helping. But I also suffer from fibromyalgia (a bit like chronic fatigue syndrome) which is creeping up on me. And I suffer a lot of pain after an accident a long time ago. I am on painkillers, but changed tham last week and the new ones don't quite hit the spot. I normally get through the winter on them, so might try to get back on the other ones.
I do not know what to do about my marriage, I think if we had been through this as just a couple, we would have split and I would have moved far away. I don't dislike him. We get on fine so the children are not living in an unhealthy atmosphere. I do care and I know he still loves me very much, but for me, the great love, for one reason or another just faded.
Yesterday I admitted I was struggling and needed him to take over a bit more so he fell out with us all and wouldn't speak to any of us. When my DS tried to hug him (4 times) he rebuffed him and told him he 'couldn't be bothered'. Poor DS. I think I have problems, but I feel like I am married to two people. He is capable of being kind and tender but it isn't easy. I don't know what to do. If we do split, he is still very much a part of my life and I know it wouldn't be easy.
DH drinks practically every night. Not strong stuff, and I am not going to even broach it for now. He is less agressive on what he drinks now and thinks the balance is that if he cuts down drinking, I should cut down exercising. I can't decide if this is fair.
As far as my friend is concerned, it really is something I have to deal with. He has someone. Oh, if I admit it just once, I want to. To hear his voice, look into his eyes, I don't know how but he made me feel protected. Anyway, tis not to be it would seem.

The problem is, whatever decision I make, it involves other peoples feeling and hurting others that I care deeply about. my MIL is nearly 90 and apart from the occassional issue, we have a lot of affection for each other and it would break her heart. I have two step children with partners who I love to pieces. My mum and dad love my H............

Your concern, thoughts and advice are more than welcome, and deeply appreciated. I have also seen my lovely mum who has taken some of the ache away.

I read someone elses thread who is bi-polar and it scared me because I know I get 'manic'. But I have to take one step at a time.

Thank-you so so much, I am feeling a little better and think I will at least not go any further down, even if I am slow to get back on track.

Hugs always make me smile....

Are you getting any counselling, you obviously have a lot to "get out". I think this would really help you - go and stamp your feet at your doctors.

And if hugs make you smile - here, have another !!

Lostatsea, you are doing brilliantly because you are holding it all together and that is so hard.
It's the complicatedness of things that makes it all so complicated, isn't it?
I wish I could make a miracle happen for you.

Your H needs a hefty kick up the arse.
He is not being fair to you or your ds.

Lostatsea where are you?? Maybe there are some people on here who are near by and can help in RL. Starting with email contact etc and moving on from there. Sorry you are having such a rotten time. Sending big hugs and lots of friendly smiles.

Writing often helps me too.

Your DH sounds like he could do with some help. Whatever his relationship with you is like is one thing but the way he behaves and treats the children is a bigger issue. Pushing away a child who tries to hug him is not good

I think you are right about taking things one step at a time. Dealing with all of this would be completely overwhelming and quite impossible so do it one step at a time - do whatever you feel able to and focus on the other things another time. Being bipolar isn't the end of the world. It's not nice, I know but it can be manageable. But, for now, concentrate on feeling better. Don't worry about how other people would react. You needto do whatever makes your life more bearable. And the DCs.

I am very glad you have seen your mum and that it helped.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Anyway, I'm rambling and not helping - thinking of you x

I am not getting any direct counselling at the moment but the social worker and liason officer are hugely supportive. The Bi-polar issue has come up before, and might make some things make sense. I might mention it next time I am at the docs.

Perhaps aliens will abduct H, because I am truly at a loss. He has apologised to me but then won't talk in depth about my depression so I pretend I am ok and he is OK with that. As far as my DS is concerned... He has 2 other children and our DD so he should know better but I shouldn't spend my life having to remind him how to treat his own child, and it just makes the children more and more reliant on me, which he then resents.

He rarely 'criticises' me over anything, but isn't massively supportive. Has struggled with my exercise and weight loss and is not happy about me pursuing my career because he is frightened of losing me, to be fair, he thinks because he thinks I am gorgeous, then so does everyone else. Long long before these problems he has been possessive and insecure, and I have never been unfaithful to anyone. The problem with my 'friend' shocked the hell out of me.

singsywife, I am thinking of joining the CAT scheme but am a little timid.

dittany, the alcoholic issue has come up but it didn't go down very well and there is only so much in life I can manage. And I get so tired I know my own judgement is not always brilliant.

Throw insomnia and chronic nightmares into the above and you nearly have the full picture.

Almost laughing now at how ridiculously complicated it all is.

Peoples support on here is such a great help.

Feeling a little better, but sadly I think this is because I am mostly on my own during the week and therefore the stress is reduced...not good really. But at least I can gather myself and try harder next weekend.

Poor you, i really can understand some of the things you are talking about here. My DP is a GOOD man, but really struggled to cope with my depression, he just couldnt understand why i can't just "snap out of it". It doesn't work like that. I'm not going to completely spring to the defence of your DP though because he needs to "wake up and smell the coffee" He is causing quite a lot of then tension between you, and his attitude to your son is a shame. My wont talk to me about my depression, i think it scares him, i used to try and talk to him about it, but i have realised that it is just no use - he can't deal with it and i don't think he ever will. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me but until you are in that place its so hard to communicate. I have counselling and i "offload" all my shit there, it has really helped US, not just me, even though my DP wont come with me despite me offering.

I don't know the story about your son - is he a step son? . Please CAT me about this, i have some experience here but don't want to talk publicly about it.

There are a few things i want to pick up on

Firstly, does your DP have a problem with you looking nice? Or are you a bit OTT about the exercise and weight loss and he is worried? Self esteem issues come hand in hand with depression and i am wondering if maybe you are throwing yourself into it a little too much maybe? I could be totally wrong here of course! Exercise is an excellent therapy for depression and looking gorgeous is going to make you feel better.I don't think i could live with a man who doesn't trust me.

Your "friend" - again, please CAT me, i have an online "friend" it all started flirtatiously and it boosted my ego immensly - it was rock bottom. It has developed into a proper, non sexual (ok with some flirting) friendship, even though we have never met - i am examining this myself tbh as i know i wouldnt be happy if DP did the same so im not sure it is "right", even so, my DP knows about this person, who incidently is old enough to be my father and i just wouldnt "go there". But sometimes it is enough just to have that "fantasy" isn't it. I used to dream about running off for a weekend and being totally spoilt and romanced - but really, i want that with DP, its just hard to see through the clouds sometimes - We have huge debt problems and i can tell you, it almost destroyed us so is there any wonder that romantic feelings were lost for a while there.

Do you have access to "family therapy", where you can all talk together - has your social worker mentioned this? I thnk this is so important, why does your DP have a problem with your son, how old is he?

As to your last comment about "trying harder" You most definately do NOT have to try harder, you both have to meet half way. I do find that i can get quite stressed at the weekend when DP is about, but that is because i parent my own way all week and then he comes home and well, ruins it all but thats a separate issue. I often think there is a pressure to be that perfect "happy family" too. Im not sure that really exists though. You can be happy, but not perfect.

Please ask about the counselling. Im not sure where you are getting the Bi-polar ideas from. But it would be dangerous to self diagnose this. I did start to think i was bi-polar, especially after reading threads on here and googling (bad idea), but i do think that "manic" feeling is part and parcel of depression and that when we do feel good, we try too hard to make sure we are "properly happy" and that everyone knows it. I just htink if you go down that route, it is very easy to wallow in it and think that you can never feel better. I think the counselling will really really help - i think your DP needs it too, but only he can make that decision for himself. This needs to be resolved for the childrens sake as well as yours.

MadCreamLady, you are not catable at the moment and I am just in the process of deciding to set it up, but your post is much appreciated. I will answer the questions that I can shortly, but need to attend to something.....Thanks again for your post.

Lost, sorry not to post here earlier, but don't think the yurt is only open to happy bouncy you

sending many (((hugs))) and would sit on the other side of you and hold hand that FMV doesn't have IYSWIM?

I think your fantasy friend and your DH should not be confused - I mean having someone like fantasy friend to make you feel wonderful would not necessarily answer issues with DH would it? To my mind DH is not being very nice at all. Not hugging your DS, come on, he's a grown father!!

You do not have to try harder, you are doing wonderfully well, and I would not cut down the exercise if I were you since it seems to be the thing that gives you strength and joy to carry on....

not much help I know, but any support I can give is here...

Unless your exercise is damaging within your family then it's hardly the same thing to ask you to cut down because he's cut down drinking Alcohol is not healthy and doesn't you you any good. Exercise is and does. From what I gather from you (and of course there are 2 sides etc etc) exercising doesn't interfere with family life, it makes you feel good and look good. If that's the problem with it then .

((((((((((more hugs to make you )))))))))))

Thank-you daisy and pink,

'friend' is not in anyway a solution, but it is there, and once in a while it gets to a point where the emotions and feelings overwhelme me. It is neither healthy nor helpful but damned if I know what to do about it. I do try to put a positive spin on it...he is an extraordinary man and gives off positive energy, it is hard not to feed of it. But like so much else, when I hit a low I don't know what to do about it.

The exercise and weightloss thing, I set myself a target and took about 18 mnths to reach it, on the diet I described on another thread. The only time it impacts on the family is at weekends, when I like to get out at least on one of the days, and school holidays when I get out in the evenings, but I do look after the children 95% of the time and very rarely get any help. (not complaining, our families are tied up, but I do like a break as they can be trying). I also involve the children in this, taking them cycling and running. It is mostly the 'looking good' that dh struggles with. Not just now but all through our relationship. He once said he didn't want me to lose weight as other men might look at me...a bit of a back handed compliment, but I am not going there!.

Madcreamlady, dh has two older children. He and I have DS(10) and DD(5). My DS has behavioural issues which for the last two years have been difficult to manage. We both struggle, but rightly or wrongly, I often feel that I am bearing the brunt of dealing with the difficult patches, as by his own admission, he can not cope with them. Yes he tries, but soon escalates to shouting and saying unhelpful things, and so the children tend to 'favour' me. But If I broach it, however diplomatically, it goes badly. So it tends to be best that I just cope, which ultimately brings me to where I am now.

We were supposed to be this amazing couple who were unshakeable, but I don't know how to let go of some of the things he has said. I know we cannot move on unless I do but it got pretty awful, my neighbour said when he hears dh shouting, he struggles not to intervene .

Of my 'friend' I shall say little else. it helps to talk and I don't talk in rl to anyone about him. we live in a close community and I would hate to complicate anyone elses life.

I talked to my family liaison guy this morning and it was a great help.
As is talking on here. I have done it all alone for so long, I do feel guilty that I am being disloyal to all involved, but am exhausted and neede so badly the counsel of others.

The bi-polar suggestions came from elsewhere and I am resisting googling! But I do get massive highs and lows and if it was a reality I would tackle it for my DC's sake.

Long post again I am sorry. But it does bring things into focus and helps me cope. Just feel like sleeping now.

Thanks again. xx

keep posting lostatsea - i had to smile at your post, you said about being this unshakable couple - that was us too, but do you know something, i think that one day, we might get that back (here's hoping). Then you say about just feeling like sleeping - thats the thing with depression, it is so fucking tiring, it just drains all your energy.

I am sorry to say this, but does your DP not realise that his behaviour towards his son could well be fueling some of his behavioural problems? Have you spoken to your social worker about his problems in this direction - it does sound like your son is very challenging and i can see that this must be a big blow to your DP, makes him feel like a bad parent, and as a consequence, he becomes one. I was like this with my DD1, i'm ashamed to say and our relationship will never be close now There is help out there, and giving the guy the benifit of the doubt, he should try and find it. Of course he could just be the arse that you describe and then i would question whether his presence in his childrens lives is of any real value to them.

A counsellor would most likely be able to spot signs of bi-polar, although a full psychiatric assesment would be necessary to make a diagnosis. I just think that with all that is going on in your life, there is little wonder you are so up and down. But i am not basing this on anything other than my own experience and i don't really want to comment on it. For a while i almost wanted this diagnosis for myself, because it "excused", if that is the right word, my feelings it meant i could disown them and just let them happen. That is no way to get better i can promise you.

You do sound like a positive person underneath it all, im quite admirable of the exercise actually - wish i had the will power. Why not have a look at moodgym, there is a link on the mental health section of this site - it has some good programs to help you recognise patterns of behavoiur that you follow and an interactive workbook to help you try and change it.

Stay strong, you sound so very strong actually, you have alot on your plate and many others would have buckled under the strain.

Thank-you again MCL,

I don't know if we can get back to where we were. I know I have changed massively through all of this and a part of me likes the new me better. But I try at the moment to take one day at a time so looking at the future is not so daunting.

Funnily enough I was looking on the web for a mood chart but when I tried to print one off the paper came out blank which made me smile.

I do have some strong and positive traits, which helps get me through but when I feel as bad as when I did the OP, it just feels like it is all slipping away. When I get over feeling disloyal as this is a 'public' forum, the relief of having got things out of my system is overwhelming and I can start to feel strong again.

You really get a sense of the good side of humanity when things are bad and I for one will always appreciate that.

I am sorry for your troubles and whilst it can be a relief to know I am not the only one going through this, it is also sad that others are feeling the same. I hope things turn out well for you as best they can.

thank-you....

Hi Lost

just popping in to give you a (((hug))) and hope today has been ok
xx

Thanks Daisy. Today has been more positive and I am starting to feel more in control.

I hate feeling like that.

I know it will hit me again but I try to go down fighting.....fecking depression.

Hug gratefully received.....