I have bruises and red marks on my arms and I did them myself

[facade]

I dont know when I started self harming , may have been some weeks/months back as I started to whack my own face repeatedly when feel guilty or angry with myself. The last week Ive gone from doing that to trying to tear the skin off my arms. If it wasn't for fake nails the skin would be torn to shreds.

Ive got problems with anger and frustration right now and I'm in such emotional pain inside , hence the tearing at arms, that I just dont know what to do with it. A friend has said that basically I'm showing signs of depression as Ive withdrawn a bit socially, not looking forward to social plans,angry at kids & husband, rapidly lost weight and have swinging appetite and not able to sleep deeply.

I suppose I knew it was coming and I warned my husband over 9mths ago, went to see GP who sent me details of MIND and I signed up with them for CBT. After a long waiting time (7mths), I was seen by someone, but she wasn't using CBT , and basically mucked up and in the end they had no CBT to offer me. I just declined the offer of another type of therapy and left it at that. This happened about 10weeks ago.

The gps are bloody awful here, (lack of funding and therapists that frankly are more damaging and flaky than helpful) and pills have never helped me in the past (Gp agreed). Whenever Ive had differing mental well being episodes over my life , Ive always managed it myself and organised my own therapy privately (to enormous cost to myself , family etc), but there seems to be no other way to deal with it immediately and be able to have a more balanced life.

I went into Holland and Barret for St Johns wart today and they mentioned not taking it with the pill , so I was unsure whether to buy them as I have a coil??? I went into Boots to confirm with pharmacist and they said I need to see gp!!

A friend who does counselling herself has suggested I do psychodynamic therapy , but I dont know were or how to find someone reputable?? Ive been trying to find an anger management course , but only found one over an hour away. Has anyone dealt with the Womens therapy centre, I have no idea were they are based?

Im trying to help myself , but Im coming up with what feels like more and more set backs.

Ive been with someone today were I had to work really hard to pretend I was fine and frankly am exaustd from it. She isnt the healthiest person to be around as shes quite negative about depression and illness. Shes part of a much larger social circle that is my dd1's class mums and dads and shes telling me all about all the arrangements shes included in (that Im no, due to my withdrawal from majority), so it was not a great day.

Im sorry to babble on , Im feeling a mess inside and its all spewing forth as I soo need to offload it all.

Oh poor you - I think you need to go back to your GP and speak to them. Tell them exactly what you said in your second paragraph above.

Anyway - A huge virtual hug coming your way!

for you Facade
Are you a regular or have you name changed (thats me being nosy!)

It sounds like you are really confused and mixed up about everything - I am really sorry but I dont have any good advice to offer - Hopefully someone wise will come along soon

Im regular , been here years, through most of my worse well being issshoos!

Oh and Ive namechanged, I feel so ashamed of what Im saying and doing.

I am so very confused

Hes never been very good at dealing with this in the past , (he freaked out when I had ptsd 3-4yrs back)and resorted to withdrawing care , affection etc, but Dh now bless him is trying his best to help me : arranging cinema outings , dinners , a spa day in couple of weeks , doing more practical stuff for girls.

I think you can refer yourself into mental health services without going through your GP?

I don't know what else to say but wanted to reply. I hope you are ok.

Message withdrawn

smurfgirl are you saying I walk into the psych unit at hospital? My stomach lurched! Thanks for coming to reply though.

See this weekend Ive been fine, had some rest on Saturday , stayed in bed till 10, sat around in Pj's, dh made us all lunch , had a bath , laid in bed and then went out on Sat night with dh and friends (although I was much more subdued than normal). Yesterday I went shopping all day with my dh and dd's and managed to stay calm most of the day. Dh did quite a lot to make sure I could relax a bit this weekend, but he cant always be there.

Although this morning Ive been food shopping and now sitting in house alone (wondering what to do with self) and the stress levels have started to rise, as I bought new boots yesterday for walking in rain/snow etc and the strap that is held on with poppers at the back is missing, bloody 3hrs of wear and GONE , Ive phoned the shop and they said to bring them back and they might be able to exchange as faulty aarrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its like 40mins away. The anxiety is rising,so it doesnt take much, it may only take one more thing and Ill be uncomfortably tense.

Dior, arghhhhhhh Im always told that , and also: oohh you have nice house/kids/clothes life what the F can be up with all that.

I haven't touched my arms or face since early last week. Im anxous about what will be the next trigger.

I also had an early night with no laptop and DID feel lots better this morning, until the boots thing. It wouldn't be as big a deal as it is ,but dd1 has also lost her brand new scarf and hat. I just feel I get organised and ok and then it starts to unravel.

Ok of to nursery pick up early to look for a needle in a haystack that is my strap. I knew it was going to come off.

Good grief no, most mental health services are outpatient. I see a nurse and psychologist at the moment, but its for an hour a time and v,informal!!

I referred myself in by contacting my local self harm team. They certainly won't section you for SI-ing anyway.

I think it can help to think about what you want to get from hurting yourself and think about how you can get that without hurting yourself.

Ok will need to find out about were the team is & no locally , I was originally registered about 3yrs ago with a CPN. I didnt know there was a local self harm team.

Ive been sch a self sufficient and strong mum through some really rubbish stuff, I suppose I fear the system getting involved and telling me what to do , that would really add to my feelings of self loathing and not being good enough .

Would it be too personal to ask what you were doing smurfgirl?

I want the pain on the inside to finally go , and be gotten rid of . Ive carried it all for too long and its making me not what I can be in life. I suppose I subconsciously wanted it to be seen on the outside.

Ive been brave and called a local charity run counselling service. I have an assessment form coming and then will have an assessment early next week. I dont know how long it will take after that for a weekly session.I dont even know if they deal with self harm or anger though.

Anyway Ive made a 1st step to getting some help , not sure if its the right help, but its a start???

Please don't feel ashamed of what you're doing - you're being incredibly brave asking for help.

I self-harmed for over 20 years and found that this organisation were incredibly helpful. They're based in Bristol but are a national charity and provide a help-line and non-judgemental literature. I think they're great and the free leaflets on their website are definitely worth a look.

Don't be ashamed facade, you obviously have some big issues to deal with. Not much time now but please try to be your own friend and be kind to yourself.

As others have said, asking for help is a really big step forward, and do the rest in chunks you can manage.

Someone has done a thread on tips to help yourself which was lovely. I will try to find it later, but gentle hugs for now, and take care of yourself.

I cut/overdose/bang my head and wrists although have not done since July.

I find it hard being in the system, it makes me feel like I am broken or something but it is very very helpful.
I like that I get to talk about the stuff I am struggling with without worrying about burdening someone.

I think its great you made a first step. I don't know where you live, but I had been involved with the self harm services before and had been referred because of A&E attendances, but if you look on you local mental health trusts home page you may find some links. I live in Hull if thats any use to you!

Some of my self harm is about feeling missed by people so I can relate, hard to fix that one I think? I have tried to be better at telling people that something is not right with me, but its hard.

Take care.

awwwww smurfgirl, I feel for you having done all that too. I know I feel so sick about it all. I couldnt find the self harm services in my area. I suppose I keep telling myself may be it was a one off (or3 ), but I havent done it since telling those Ive toldand writing about it here. I have been very close and Ive just clenched my fists and tried to work through it as best I can. Its so painful in my self. Its weird its like another more damaging version of a panic attack.

Ive also got this weird druggie feeling inside of me , I cant describe it. Its a bit like when you get that metal taste when pg , but Im not.

Ive told a few friends now in the last week or so about what Ive been doing. Yesterday morning we were out together with some other mums, when they all left, the one I can talk with more mentioned that it seems I am quite lost , and at this very point I burst into tears. She hit the nail on the head.I am totally lost, I dont know who or what I am , what Im supposed to be doing and were Im going in life. Im totally confused.

Later that morning at her house,(she kindly had me back to make sure I was ok), she told me of the things she had done self hamr wise when going through similar stuff several years back and it made me feel a little safer in sharing, but despite this Im terrified of being so open. Shes told me time and time again to not be paranoid about it.

Im so splintered mind, body and spirit , I sit with others having conversations and find it hard to join in. I then finally think of something to say and then by this time the conversation has moved on. I cant get my words out properly and I mispronounce things. Ive been very close to having several near misses in the car as Im so miles away.

I have 2 parties tomorrow for dd1 and just cant face it , theres some less than pleasant gossiping going on with everyone and I just cant face being in the middle of it as they can be so insidious in their behaviour. So Id rather hide and not go. Which isnt great for dd1 , but its making me a mess. Its the rejection I fear from everyone around me, so Im constantly in my head making sure I dont do or say things to put others off, meanwhile its happening anyway, well with the majority of people around me in my nearest social circles.

Through this honesty and openness Ive found that I do have some kindred spirits around me, which is a great relief , but I still have long way to go with all this.

Ive now got the assessment properly booked on Tues with the local counselling place and will see what type of help I need (CBT psychodynamic etc)and if they can offer it.