this is long and horrible, but its been 3 years now and i cant bear it much longer.
My brother 1 commited suicide 3 years ago. I blame myself for it.
When i was a child, a member of my family abused me. I eventually told my family and some believed me and some didnt. 3 years ago, my brother 2 and i were drinking and i had a go at him asking why he didnt believe me, and he said, it was because he didnt want to believe it had happened to me too. I was gobsmacked and he told me that my brother 1 had abused him when he was young.
My world pretty much fell apart then. It seems like my family is a bunch of abused and abusers.
For a year i said nothing to anyone about it, my brother 2 asked me not to. But he went seriously off the rails and one night, my parent was so upset i told parent what he had told me. I felt i had to because of how brother 2 was going. It all kicked off, lots of horrible things were said. I still couldnt believe that my brother 1 would do that, as we were very close. So 2 weeks before he killed himself, i asked him outright, and he said he had 'experimented'.
2 weeks later, he was texting me, telling me he wanted to talk. I was away from the area so couldnt meet. His last text to me was...i will miss you darling...we always used to joke like that. I took it as his usual self.
2 days later he was gone. I wont say how, but it was in a way you couldnt imagine.
I didnt know how to feel. On one hand, i wanted to hate him for what he had done to brother 2. But then it came out that brother 1 had been abused too, by a group of 'friends' and i felt perhaps he was only acting out what he himself had gone through.
I am still so confused in my head about how to feel about him. On one hand him not being here cuts me to the core, then i think, well i was abused and i didnt abuse anyone else. I also believe deep down, he couldnt cope with me knowing what he had done. That he killed himself because i opened my mouth for worry of my brother 2. But he is no longer here not to resolve this.
Every time a certain time of year comes around, my heart breaks again. I beat myself up and tie myself in knots. I dont know how to let go. My family dont know all this, they have no idea what i know. I feel like i am living a lie. They have wrote my brother 2 off, as he is still a bt wild. I want to defend him, tell them he cant help it, he is suffering too.
what do i do? I am such a broken person inside, from many things, but this is the real killer.