does this sound like depression to you? not sure whether to push dr for appt - long, sorry

[notgettingmuchdone]

Am going to try and summarise but am prone to going on a bit, sorry...

1. cannot get any work done, work 4 days per week and for about a month have been wasting my life on the internet (not just on mn) and am terrified of being found out as crap at my job or slacking and sacked in either case, couldn't afford it and couldn't deal with shame BUT cannot get myself going - I know this is majorly self destructive

1. have massive headaches, nausea and sleeplessness / tiredness

1. feel like a shit mum for going to work at all, and a shit employee for not working properly thereby ruining everything for everyone

1. feel really trapped by whole lifestyle and like i have no real life at all, just a pointless existence of unfinished chore after forgotten task after fuckup

1. cry lots, especially at work in the toilets

1. have terrible nightmares about DH or my mum being dead a lot, or war, or being chased by a murderer etc

1. look like shit due to adult acne and excessive hair pulling, which i've done since a child but had recovered from until about 6 months ago

1. keep finding evidence that other people at work think i am shit, eg they leave me out of decisions i should be involved in and i can't be arsed to fight my way back in as i think they are right (am creating self fulfilling prophecy i know)

1. keep wondering what if having crossed paths with a man i thought i had a crush on many years ago but now realise was more than that, despite having a great DH and DC, as does he, and i know i'll never know how he feels / felt or do anything about it so why can't i stop thinking about it

10. can't do the simplest things like keep my house tidy or buy food in for visiting relatives - who have been looking after DC today while i work at home but i've done NOTHING and not even spent time with DC who is just downstairs and keeps shouting mummy?? and crying cos they know i'm here

11. hate myself and feel a horrible combination of apathy and anger which i know will result in me being a bitch to poor dh later

12. cannot remember the last time dh and i had sex, can't be more than 5 times in the last 2 years

I could go on but I'm making myself cross being so self pitying. Called my docs last week to get an appt as I thikn I might be depressed (was at uni and cbt was helpful) but they couldn't give me an appt.

Short question is, do you think i should push for an appt or do i jsut need to get over myself

and sorry for crappy long self indulgent post

This sounds like a cannily accurate description of me, except the internet at work - I teach they would riot if I ignored them. I have very severe clinical depression and I think you should push for that appointment.

ooh twinset teaching is one of my if-i-could-start-choosing-over-again jobs, thought it would be more fulfilling / inspiring?

do your employers know about your depression? does it make a difference?

i have a new boss who long time ago was a mentor for me and thinks i'm great, can't decide whether to come clean, whether to get a diagnosis and come clean or to pretend it's all ok

will call the docs by the way, thanks

Oh yes...do go to docs...recognise all those symptoms, this sounds like clear depression to me.

I've had it loads, and spend my life on AD's, so recognise all those symptoms.

I'm a teacher too .....fullfilling; Yes, Inspiring;Yes. But very very stressful.

It can be helped though....

Yes my employers know, quite a few people I work with suffer from depression not sure it teaching makes you depressed or that sort of person is attracted to teaching.

I am covered by the Disability Discrimination Act which means the head has put support systems in place.

Work in MH - yes, it does sound as if you are depressed and from the symptoms you describe, it is unlikely that it will go away by itself. Please book that appt and good luck.

Now then Twinset.....no one suffers with it at ou school apparently. At least 180 memebers of staff there, but it is the illness with no name.

No one seems to admit to it....I feel quite weird....but then I don't admit to it either

i work in a really commercial listed company so I'm not sure the DDA would really help me out in these tightening the belt times. Plus have a reputation for being THE most cheerful and upbeat person around, not sure my boss could deal with finding out all that is a lie... but then it wasn't a lie before....i think.........oh i don't bloody know!!!

am back online now DC is in bed to get some work done to save my ass for another day so if i'm back on here within the next hour please boot me back out

I have a reputation for being cheerful and upbeat but I suspect I flit between being ecstatically happy and wanting to shut the world out. I am very good at being the life and soul at work and then collapsing at home

I thought I would never need to use the DDA but being in a managment post I had a time when work was just being heaped on me and school had to make alternative arrangements rather than expect me to do it all. It also means that I am not subject to the same absece rules although I rarely have time off.

I have an issue of wanting to stand up and be counted as well to break down the stigma I am honest with my colleaugues and also the older children I teach.

Yes, I'm good at being life and soul at school, then collapsing when I get home, and I hate myself for it, after all my family deserve the best

I think you are very brave, I wish I could be like that, I would NEVER admit to 6th formers that I suffered, nor even majority of colleagues.

It isn't even a bad school.........

It has taken me a long time to be that brave, I also get that guilty feeling. Had a massive meltdown earlier and have spent the evening overcompensating to dd.

quite fancy hijacking my own thread actually, as you both sound a lot like me and seem to be doing the job i think i'd be good at and enjoy much more than my current job in strategy - although my friends who've made the switch to teaching from corporate land tell me that as well as the money difference being a real challenge, the culture of long service counting more than performance and difficulties in getting crap teachers out and general union feel are really hard to deal with. My problem would be (I think) as a control freak I'd want to be the head after about 5 min.

am now on an up-swing after doing some work for 90 min, feel chuffed and a bit pathetic, my visiting family are all heading to bed in the huff at being ignored all night now.

I don't think long service counts more than performance any more tbh and schools are weeding out crap teachers. Union presence depends on the school, in my previous school there was a strong union presence but that was because teachers were being laid off, there was financial mismanagment and lots of teachers were facing pupil allegations. My new school which is a much calmer place has a much more low key union presence.

I am a complete control freak and I do get frustrated but I choose the places work carefully.

Oh no! It's nothing like that NGMD

Long service doesn't count more, and I'm not sure there are that many crap teachers,

The unions are great, they are there to support, not make life difficult, wouldn't work any where without them tbh.

Our unions don't let the management mess us around at all

sorry just back online today, had to face my lovely but now gone home relatives!

did either of you have another job before teaching?