feel like a rubbish mum

[scifinerd]

I have mild depression and also had horrific pregnancies. I now have a 6-month old and 2 older children. I just constantly feel like a rubbish mum and that I am getting it all wrong. My baby doesn't sleep and is not in a routine. And I have real eating issues with number 2. My problems are not huge but I feel very inadequate and don't know how to stop comparing myself unfavourably to other mums and boost my parenting confidence. It makes me very low and I even find websites such as this make me feel useless as everyone else has such strong principles that they can actually stick to unlike me. I don't know what response I want really, just know if I felt more confident I would do a better job of being a mum.

Hi I am researching Mothers, whose own mothers had depression or mental health issues - many of which found that they too suffered depression. Some small advice - put the 'normal hat' on everything - Depression after horrific pregnancies = normal.
Depression after birth = normal. as in common
Depression about feeling depressed as a Mum = normal
Worry that this will affect your baby permanently = normal.

It's so important to have low expectations - if you compare yourself unfavourably - you probably have high expectations. If there was any issue with your own Mum you possibly - even probably are too determined to be different.

Actually - baby's not being in a routine = normal.
Eating issues are normal as in very common.

It's true though, that if you have high expectations of yourself, your children will pick up the stress. Love yourself first and know that motherhood is a difficult (and not a natural) job. Big hug

Ohhh love - a hug for you. Depression is such a drag and so common after horrible pregnancies and/ or births. Do you have a family doctor you could talk to? Perhaps antidepressant medication would help. I always frowned upon it until I had my own bout with PND and felt awful all the time. Had to eat some crow because it helped a lot. You are not a crappy mum!! You have three children and are overwhelmed and tired. I only have one and my DS's day could loosely be described as a very sloppy routine. When I'm asked "what's his schedule" I always feel like I must fib -- "he naps sort of around this general time... most days..." and I'm ashamed to admit to my friends whose babies sleep through the night, in their own cribs, that DS still sleeps with us and wakes up several times to feed after his initial 5-6 hour sleep. Well, really, what he does is half-wake and pecks around until I half-wake and shove my boob at him, then he nurses for a bit and drops off again, only to repeat an hour and a half later... I feel like a hippie compared to my friends who are feeding their babies solids at set meal-times and have set nap times because DS nurses on demand and most loves to nap in my lap. So please don't feel bad, and don't let anyone make you feel bad. You're probably a wonderful mum!!

Hi thank you for your lovely messages. Loretta1, there is actually a strong history of depression in my family with my mum and much of what you say makes sense.

And Jacksmama what you say strikes a chord. Please dont be ashamed to tell your friends how it is, I think you sound like a great loving mum. I think part of the problem is that the way babies are cared for changes with every generation. I feel this is the Age of Gina and Routines vs Attachment parenting. And in the UK the Gina way dominates. But as someone who falls in the middle and really just struggles through each day muddling through I do end up feeling inadequate. Especially as so many on this website seem to be so sorted and able to live up to their parenting principles e.g. no sugar or addittives. I feel like I am lazy and crap because I find it so difficult to do that and often fail.

It is worst at 2am, 3am, 4am etc when I berate myself for my ds not sleeping.

I hope this makes some sort of sense.

Everything seems worse at night, doesn't it? Pain, fear, sadness... should be called the weeping hours, not the wee hours. I agree, lots of people on MN seem terrifyingly competent... makes me feel a bit insecure and inexperienced.
Thinking of you... hope you can talk to your doctor or someone. Seriously, I know I sound like a drug pusher and I'm really not but it made a huge difference when I started taking an anti-depressant. I was very opposed at first but it was so worth it. Hugs.

Yes I agree - there is definitely a place for anti-depressants - particularly in the short term. This can help you access counselling better or just have a clearer head to think about it all with. You could say they take the top and the bottom of emotion for a while - so things feel less extreme. However, if you have been mothered by someone who also suffered, you may have many thoughts and feelings anyway which don't treat you kindly. However lowly you rate yourself - your children are so lucky to have you and they are especially lucky to have a Mum who thinks about it all and who reaches out for support. There are no perfect Mums. You sound great to me.

Scifi - how are you feeling today?
xoxoxox

I think everyone does a crap job of motherhood some days and everyone makes mistakes. You are much better than some people who do a crap job but don't even worry about it! You want to keep improving at it which is really good. Don't give up. Everyone has to learn what works best for their family through trial and error. If something is not working you think of another idea to make it work and try that. If it doesn't work you try something else, and keep trying different things until you find a way that works. Get ideas from friends, books, TV and MN. People are not all better at it than you they just give that impression because they want to show themselves in a good light. They are probably all having the same worries as you but lots of people won't admit it. When you are tired you will look at yourself much more negatively. I bet you are doing it all perfectly good enough! You don't have to be perfect!