Is there any point in this?

[amiatimewaster]

Not really sure how to get this down. It all feels very self-indulgent

I would say I've suffered from depression in one form or another since I was late teens/early 20s. I'm in my mid-30s now. To this day, I still have a little voice at the back of my head that says I'm just a miserable fecker.

For this period of depression, I'm now on 40 mg prozac and feel average rather than down, which is an improvement.

TBH, I feel...nothing. Completely blank. I don't feel I love anyone particularly. Sometimes I think I wouldn't even be that bothered if I didn't see friends and family again. This isn't written with any dramatic intent, it really is how I feel, completely blank.

In the evenings, I get by with saying the bare minimum to DP, and being as upbeat as I can, but all I'm waiting for is a decent time to go to bed.

He knows I suffer from depression, but I don't think he really understands, nor do I actually!

I saw gp again yesterday, who is really lovely. I tried to say I was feeling better as I hate making a fuss and she saw straight through it and has suggested she refer me for councilling (Cbt).

I said I'd give it a go, but will it really help? I'd hate to use up resources if what I feel can't be resolved, and tbh I have no idea how to explain things to someone.

Every day, I feel gutted I can't pull myself out of this. To accquaintences / people on the street, I look like a "normal" happy person. I can even fool DP, but I just feel so shit.

Sorry for the rant, I thought it might help me to get this out, although I still can't describe it

sorry

Your GP wouldnt have offered you CBT if they didnt think it would be worthwhile for you, like you say, it is a scare resource, so they must think you warrant it.
Dont worry about it being difficult to explain how you feel, the therapists job is to help you with that stuff.
BTW you dont sound self indulgent.

thanks monkeymonkey. I just know I'm going to find it so hard to talk to someone.

After all this time, I think I'm still convinced that I'm making a fuss and just being miserable, although logically I know there must be something wrong.

I wish I could cry. I feel like crying. But I can't.

just wanted to offer my support really. Have you felt like this before? I am on 40mg citalopram and i can feel blank sometimes.

citalopram is similar to prozac by the way

Hello exasperated,thanks for posting

I haven't been on this dosage before, and haven't felt this 'blank' before. I'm guessing the two are related?

Sorry to hear you get it too, it's just so horrid to feel so distant from people and your emotions, like I really don't give a toss about myself or anyone else.

Do you feel generally better from being on the ads? I guess this nothingness feeling is the lesser of two evils!

Go for the counselling, give yoursalf a break. You might find that things come into focus and you don't feel so numb. You deserve to feel better about life.
If you don't mind me asking, do you get much chance to exercise? I can't say enough about how much it has helped turn things around for me. Not all the way there yet but getting there.

You are not ranting and you are not self-indulgent..I hope things improve for you soon.

Thanks Hammou, the referral form arrived this morning and I have 10 days to complete and send it back, I will definitely do it.

So glad to hear things are getting better for you. I do quite a bit of exercise, running and walking. You're right, it's amazing what a difference it makes, but the buzz tends to last just for a while afterwards, still, it's a very good buzz! I think things would be a heap worse if I didn't do that.

Hope you're having a good weekend

The "blank" might be the depression, the meds, a phase in getting better??? I know I spend a large part of the time just looking forward to going to bed. Even when I consider myself to be doing ok. It has been like that for so long... I can't remember being different. A psychiatrist I was under was the first to make me believe I could be well and happy, not just ok and coping. That has helped to lift it at times.

Good luck with CBT. I found the book "Mind over Mood" - recommended by most CBT therapists - more useful than the actual talking stuff. But I am glad you are going to go - you deserve to feel good, not just average.

Mylittlescary, I could have virtually written your post myself.

I'll definitely track down that book or ask the person I see about it. Have you had CBT by the way? You talk in the present tense about feeling ok and coping rather than well and happy, has having counselling/therapy of some kind helped you?

I have had brief bits of therapy. I am terrible with it - it always makes me feel worse instead of better (as it is supposed to, at first) and I always wimp out. But two brief phases were great... firstly, the first couple of CBT sessions, and the hard work I then did with myself over about 2 months with the book I mentioned. And secondly 7 sessions (again only half couldn't handle it) of CAT which mainly, not my intention at the time, focused on my relationship with my mother, who is now terminally ill, and I do feel better about my childhood issues, it will make my grief less complicated when the time comes.

Therapy is tough, and I have never liked talking to "strangers". But it can make a difference and sometimes you don't realise it until a long time later.

My diagnosis is actually bipolar disorder, but I doubt that's all that relevant?

Hi mylittle, I can imagine the temptation to run from it is quite strong! I will definitely start the sessions and see how I go. I haven't a clue what to tell them though, but I'm sure a counsellor/therapist will manage to extract the information they need? I think it's difficult to imagine talking to someone about 'you' when I feel like a waste of space.

I'm so sorry about your mum. It's great the sessions have helped in some way to making it a bit more manageable to deal with. That must be so sad and difficult to deal with.

A bit off-topic here, but noticed you were on the giving up alcohol thread a little while back. I was drinking quite a lot and gave up for a long break two months ago (well until Christmas). It was quite hard at the start, breaking a habit that I saw as a reward for getting through the day, but it does help clear your head. Well done for what you've done so far - I think the starting is the hardest part.

Sorry if this sounds negative, but it hasn't made me feel happier, like I thought it would. But, it has helped me separate what were probably feelings due to a hangover and what are most likely down to depression now the alcohol isn't part of the equation. Don't know if that's good or bad . At least now I've a better idea of what I'm dealing with.

Anyway, just the clear head in the morning makes it worth it!

Sorry if I've gone on ... hope you are having a happy/good/ok weekend

You haven't gone on. I am trying to help myself, going through a phase of struggling with professional input, manily as the previosuly mentioned, excellent psychiatrist is on long term sick leave... am I really that dependent??!

Well done you on the alcohol. It's a shame it hasn't made that much difference - but given that, you have done amazingly to npot start drinking again. It's "easy" (it's not, but ykwim) when you know that you feel so much better for it. I really do.

I hope CBT helps. Let them draw stuff out - even if you think they are missing the point (I did) sometimes there are other issues worth fixing. It is the worst thing I have ever been through (and have had a few issues), a nasty depression. Do CAT me if you want, it's always good to have a friend albeit an online one.

I guess it you find someone to talk to who's been helping mylittle, you will feel vulnerable (dependent?) if that chance to talk is removed.

I think finally opening up to someone is a very scary prospect as you have to start facing feelings you don't even want to acknowledge to yourself!

Thanks so much for the advice, and the kind offer to CAT you, I may well do that .

take care x