Thought Id be 'better' by now

[dillinger]

Ive had depression on and off now since I was 18 (Im 26). I was on anti depressants for about 5 years, I started taking them and left home just before I was 20, my new doctor didnt really speak to me about things and just switched me on to others. Was awful coming off them but it was like I had forgotten how to feel. Understandably Im not 100% sure about going back on medication, have spoken to another new doctor (as weve moved house again) about cbt but he said theres a long waiting list and he'll get back to me. Im not exactly hopeful - nothings come of it and its been about 9 months now, hes not a gp Ive really 'taken' to.

My family are 250 miles away and things with them have never been great, have posted before in the stately homes thread. Cant talk to my mum, she gets all 'why are you depressed? Whatve you got to be depressed about?' etc so I no longer talk to her about things that are important.

I dont have friends, I was bullied and I think thats made things difficult even now, I met someone a few months ago and we saw each other a bit, I just get to the stage where I cant see the point of things, everythings too much hassle.

I remember things started when I began having panic attacks, I didnt understand what was happening and I stopped going out incase they happened again. This led on to me being too afraid to go out, not so much then because of panic attacks but everyone and everything outside my door. Couldnt catch buses, go to appointments after 10am etc Even now I need to have things done in the morning so I can just get out and do it and then be home again.

I feel awful for my children. Ds is almost 3 and dd is 7 months. I dont take them to any groups as I dont know how to 'be' at them. What if ds plays up or kicks off etc? I went a couple of times last year when we moved to this area (more residential than where we were, I think I feel more secluded here and have lost what little confidence I had) but no one spoke to me even though I really did try to seem approachable, smiled etc I wont even take ds to the park because he goes mad when its time to leave, really screaming etc and I cant cope with the looks and tuts. My face reddens and I get hot and then I feel the panic coming. Ive tried explaining to ds, bribes etc Its just easier to not bother now, and I know how crap that is. I feel sorry for my 2, they could have it so much better.

Im too scared to drive so we dont drive anywhere - Im full of good intentions to take them to different parks, sometimes I think maybe I could take them for some lunch somewhere and do all the things that I dreamt of doing with my kids but I feel like such a failure.

I start a course next month, 1 weekend a month for a year. Its something Ive wanted to do for a while but Im already wondering if I'll be able to manage. Its a lot of home study. I feel totally inadequate with regard to most aspects of living, to be quite honest. I was never filled with much confidence or encouragement growing up and I sometimes think that everythings been such a waste.

I thought by the time I was 26 Id be a confident, sexy woman but I feel like a girl in an older body. I hate how I cant cope with things, how I blush, being so nervous all the time, how I cant enjoy my life. I know Im getting older, my children are growing up, and if I dont sort my shit out its all going to pass me by.

Sorry its so long, knowing me I wont post it anyway!

Hi, what a brave post, I hope you feel better for getting it all off your chest a bit.

Sorry you've found so little support in real life, can I really, really recommend homestart? I've been similar, suffering with PND/depression, not wanting to leave the house, panic attacks, feelings of guilt because my ds isn't getting out as much as he deserves - housework getting on top of me, not looking after myself etc

I got in touch with homestart and told them how I wasn't coping, felt isolated etc, and they sent a lady round to see me, a kind of informal interview (there really is no pressure and it's nothing to worry about) then next week she brought round a lovely lady who was to become my volunteer. She visits every week (this only started about 4 weeks ago so it's a work in progress at the moment) but I've found it a lifeline so far.

They tailor the service to you, so if you are having problems leaving the house, they can offer support with that (it's so much easier joining a mums n toddlers group for example, if you have a friend with you for the first couple of weeks!)

or if you need help with any aspect of parenting, if the housework is getting you down they can help you get a bit done (yesterday my lovely volunteer hoovered the livingroom, read my ds some stories, and helped him do some drawing while I scrubbed my kitchen, cleaned the bathroom and made dinner)

They can also take your dc to the park, when and if you, your dc and the volunteer feel comfortable doing so. They are all police checked, and will never force their opinions on you, tell you what to do or judge you.

It's lovely knowing that when my volunteer comes round it doesn't matter if my hair isn't washed or the house is a mess, it means you can just get on with your housework, or have a shower, or just sit down and have a good chat, without feeling judged. My volunteer is motherly in a good way, and my ds is beginning to really like her. My own mother died a few years back so I suppose it's what I need too.

They generally come round for two or three hours once a week but if they feel you need support more often they can arrange it for twice a week. They can come along to mind your dc at doctors appointments etc so you can properly talk.

Plus, I think if you aren't getting along with your doctor, you hould think about getting a new one. The right GP is essential, you need to feel supported.

Hopefully MN will be of some use too! I hope my post has shown you aren't alone. Keep posting, and be kind to yourself. I'm sure you're a great mum, and you will get through it eventually.

Thankyou very much, I appreciate your post and I will have a look at homestart right now.