am i depressed or just lazy?

[RobynLou]

have a 14 month old daughter, who's lovey. I have a husband who's kind and loving and does huge amounts about the house, but i just can't cope with it all, i struggle with having no structure to my day, i want to be a good mum with a nice house, but everything always a disaster area and i just look around nd don't know where to start so we go out and wander around the park putting off having to come home and be alone again. theres so many ridiculousl ti jobs i have to do but i just can't do anything, i'm pathetic. before i had dd i was a very hard working and high achieving person and now i'm just pathetic. i'm scared to go to the doctor in case they ake me take medicine that means i have to stop breastfeeding, thats the only thing i feel like i do right.

I'd go and chat with your doctor, Robyn. If it is depression/PND, there are talking therapies that might help. Your doctor should be understanding about you wanting to avoid drugs that would stop you breastfeeding.

You are not pathetic - you are very brave for asking for help. I wish I was near you, so I could come round and help you - I can so empathise with how you are feeling because it's how I felt, and still feel.

One thing that helps me is to decide on just one job, and do it - even if it's not a big job, it gives me a sense of achievement that gives me a real boost.

Are you looking after yourself physically? Eating properly and regularly, and getting enough sleep? You need to keep your bloodsugar levels level, and drink enough fluids - but I know how difficult it can be to care for yourself, especially when you have a little one - you put your energy into caring for her, and have little or none left for yourself.

I'll be around on mumsnet during the day (I ought to drag myself off and have some breakfast - take my own advice - and do a spot of housework - groan), but will keep an eye out for you if I can help at all.

Hugs for you,
sunnygirl.

I really like the thread title because I hate it that my DH and other people who just don't understand depression call it "bone-idleness" as though we choose to be like this. Or they say condescending things like "I don't have time to be depressed".

thankyou for your replies, i think i do need to try and get brave and go to the doctor, because things can't carry on this way, its not fair on dh and dd. i come from a very 'stoic' family who don't 'believe' in depression, which makes me scared to utter the word as i feel like a failure, my mother would tell me to just pull myself together.
the small tasks idea is a good one sunnygirl, i find myself constantly lost with my head spinning thinking of everything that needs doing and so get nothing done. i tried wrting a to do list but it made me feel overwhelmed.

I know what you mean Robyn, about having so much to do about the house it's overwhelming. I used to set myself the task of sorting out just one room, then by the time I'd done that I'd get a buzz of self-satisfaction and would almost always get more done.

having children can really mess up your body so that it takes a while to recover. You aren't bone idle you're just putting all your energy into your child.

Eat carefully and write yourself a list of things to do that you feel you can manage then cross them off as you do them. Include on the list caring for your child, beastfeeding - and walks in the park because exercise is important for both of you. You're not pathetic you are doing a lot of things and doing the important ones related to your child. As your child grows they will need you less and there will be time for house things later.

reading your message RobynLou and that could be me! I've had my 2nd DD 5 months ago and everything has been fine until a couple of weeks ago when i started to get those overwhelming feelings again not sure if its that dreaded word (like you i come from a very stoic background where these things are just not talked about) or just plain old stress. Are there any mums of 2 dds out there who felt like that? One thing i will say Robynlou is that you are not lazy, when you are feeling low it is such an effort to do anything.
If the weather is ok with you try and get out for a walk or something as it does help to get a perspective on it all.

Robyn - not all medications mean you have to stop breastfeeding. If you talk to your doctor about your options make sure you stress that you want to continue BF.

Tatt - I like 'beastfeeding' - that's how it feels sometimes!

RobynLou - Stoical families are shite - they want you to suffer in silence like they do. But there's no need to! I finally decided to have psychotherapy aged 29 and it was like a light coming on, I got loads of stuff sorted out that had been tangled up in my head ever since childhood. I won't say that the negative voices in your head go away but you learn to cope with them.

The lack of external structure within which to achieve when one is an SAHM is one of the reasons many mothers prefer to WOH.

Think very hard: surely you are able to design a structure for your week/month/day that suits you and your DD and that also enables you to achieve many things? Start by writing down all the things you need to do (shopping, laundry, ironing, cleaning, house maintenance, personal grooming etc etc etc) and all the things you want to do (eg M&T group, swimming, gym, library, a book group). Group them up and start allocating tasks to days; get to grips with a few chores before trying to get to grips with the next.

If you cannot imagine and organise your own structure that gives you some feeling of achievement, go back to work.

freudian slip maybe! Robyn you are doing a lot of things - and important things - each day. Try to congratulate yourself on what you are managing to do at a time when the baby is taking a lot out of you.

After my last child was born I felt terrible. They are now a teenager and it is only since taking gluten out of my diet that I've had proof that my problems were not depression but had a physical basis. You may find that if you change your diet you regain a lot of energy. Just something to think about if you have days when you do seem to be better. Wheat was such a big part of my diet that I didn't associate the odd burst of energy with times when I'd not eaten it.

try flylady.com it is a website that shows you how to tackle housework a bit at a time

being a mum is the worlds most demanding job,24-7 non stop ,no wonder ur feeling the way u do. get a nice doctor and talk , medication does help and the best advice i got was make time 4 u.we all need to relax and get away from the kids now and then."babies are hard work ,you are doing brilliantly,remember that"

forgot to mention, i breastfed twins whilst on medication,some are ok,

had a bad day today, ended up crying on the tube because everything just seemed too much. got home and went straight to the gp to make an appointment, its tomorrow morning, feeling very scared at having to go in and explain whats wrong when i don't know.
what can my opening line be when they say 'what can i do for you' as they always do?

good luck for tommorow, youve done the hard part making the appointment .things will get better ,promise

went to the gp this morning and after a chat and a questionnaire she diagnosed me with moderate depression and anxiety, wanted to prescribe me drugs there and then but i said i don't want to stop bfing so she said there wasn't anything that wouldn't go into my milk.
shes arranging counselling and homestart help (don't know what that is) the HV is going to get in touch, and i've got to go back in a fortnight.

went to the gp this morning and after a chat and a questionnaire she diagnosed me with moderate depression and anxiety, wanted to prescribe me drugs there and then but i saif i don't want to stop bfing so she said there wasn't anything that wouldn't go into my milk.
shes arranging counselling and homestart help (don't know what that is) the HV is going to get in touch, and i've got to go back in a fortnight.

hi robinlou, homestart is a visiting service that provides help,usually help with the kids whilst u are home with them, sometimes just there to talk. its a good thing and can make all the difference!!glad u were offered so quick.counselling is bloody scarey to start with ,but gets easy the more you go.i felt they were going to give me a white coat and lock me up at the begining ,but its not like that at all.everyone was very understanding and kind.after all they see depression all the time. good luck with everything ,i know youll b ok .

hi robinlou, homestart is a visiting service that provides help,usually help with the kids whilst u are home with them, sometimes just there to talk. its a good thing and can make all the difference!!glad u were offered so quick.counselling is bloody scarey to start with ,but gets easy the more you go.i felt they were going to give me a white coat and lock me up at the begining ,but its not like that at all.everyone was very understanding and kind.after all they see depression all the time. good luck with everything ,i know youll b ok .

It does sound like you are suffering from some depression. Don't worry your GP can't prescribe drugs that would make you have to stop breastfeeding, there are loads that are standard PNI drugs anyway that are known to be safe. The drugs you'd have to watch are the major anti-psychotics, only available from a consultant but I don't think you're ready for them