What is my problem? My life is great.

[HormonalHorror]

I have a lovely, lovely partner, two beautiful boys, a lovely house and family, fulfilling work.

So why:

• do I get the weeps so frequently
• am I so horrible to DP
• do I have to be so controlling
• do I seem to want to destroy everything
• do I lose my temper with my older boy (a gorgeous child)
• can I not be easygoing
• do I find DP's family soooo irritating when they are perfectly nice people, just not my cup of tea
• etc etc etc
• feel so tense all the time
• feel unable to let myself be happy
• wreck everything
• am I so nasty to live with

etc etc etc

I'm feeling ok today which is how I am posting this. I've only thought about it since posting a thread the other day about a disagreement I had with DP. Made me think about how tightly I have to control things. (Having said that I am a messy, sloppy thing, not obsessive about housework etc.)

What is my problem? More to the point what can I do to whip myself into shape?

Hi I don't know if anyone else is still there.

I saw someone this morning. I still don't know if she is right or not, right for me I mean, but I do feel a bit saner for having done it. I am on a reasonably clear day today.

She did say, as revjustabout said, that my life is very full, perhaps overfull and a bit stressful. She recommended a cleaner, lol! Be nice if was that simple.

It's good that you've seen someone. Just doing a positive thing can help a little bit. Hopefully she will help you straighten out your thoughts.

As well as therapy, you may never have got into the habit of caring for yourself and self soothing etc, only working hard for others. (especially if your parents were non-demonstrative).

As well as the therapy you could think about:

sleeping enough

eating enough

drinking enough non-caffeinated, non alcoholic fluids

laughing enough

doing some things just because you enjoy it and for no other reason

talking to people who listen enough

getting some hugs

It sounds really obvious but lots of people just don't think about doing those things for themselves because they aren't in the habit and don't think they are important enough. You are important enough, but if you think you are not, think "If I do these things I will have enough mental and physical resources to be a better mother, wife etc" so you are doing it not just for yourself but for the people around you as well.

Thanks ActingNormal.

People do always say to me I am a good mother, but I don't feel I am, and so do stupid things like suddenly making batches of fairy cakes at odd hours, or staying up crazily late reading stories when the dc would be better off asleep.

I am worried that I have very high standards and expect people to achieve. I want people to be perfect, which is why I get cross with DP when he occasionally falls short (in my eyes - other people would think him fab, which he is of course). I want my children to live up to their potential.

I think my problem may lie in these issues:

• I always feel I have not lived up to my potential
• I think as children I and my siblings were expected to achieve highly (and usually did, by chance I think)

I also have a problem round food, I think. Well, I know. I can't tell if this is from comforting myself, making myself feel good, or something to do with coming from a large family, always feeling vaguely hungry and always wanting more at the end of meals (my mum had to cook for 7 - no reflection on her I hasten to add, just had to make things stretch).

I don't want to be all self-absorbed, but I want to be happy and not pass neuroses on to my boys.

Sorry if this post is a bit confused.

Though funnily enough I have now felt quite ok for a week, ever since I first posted as HH. Perhaps my problem was not MNing enough!!!

HH - I hope you find a psychotherapist you 'click' with - a good therapuetic match is vital. Have you ever thought about CAT therapy, I am biased towards this as it is 'my bag' but from what you have described , it might be right up your street, it is also time limited (usually 16 sessions , so you know where you are from the start.) www.acat.me.uk/privatepracticelist.php

Also a good book recommendation - Change for the Better - on Amazon www.amazon.co.uk/Change-Better-Self-help-Practical-Psychotherapy/dp/1412948266/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s= books&qid=1225187546&sr=8-1

I've been in therapy twice and the first time I didn't really click with my therapist, but it still did me a power of good. I tried to look at it as using her technical skills and reasoned that she would understand me because of her training - and she did.

However, the second time I did click with my therapist and it was better. I felt more comfortable.

HH if you have felt better it sounds like the therapy is working. It must be giving you the outlet you need.

I feel like I could have written the OP. thanks to all posters, you have been of enourmous help.I will as well go and see my GP asap.

Thanks for that laidbackinengland. I am interested to read about the CAT therapy and the set approach with milestones etc. The therapist I saw last week left it open when I left - I was to call her if I wanted to see her again. Is this usual? I think all along I have wanted someone to say Look - you need x y and z, this is what you must do. I think when I had my 2nd baby I actually wanted someone to identify that I had pnd so I would be pulled into some sort of net of help. And of course they kept asking have you any history and I would say well yes I do get the blues... but no-one ever followed it up. Maybe I have to be grown up about it and sort it for myself.

anorak yes I agree with you. In fact the other day I said to the therapist, into a silence which had arisen - Well, what do you think? And she said - Well I can't analyse it any more clearly than you just have. I thought afterwards hmmm waste of cash if you're not going to add value. But maybe it is not a waste if it makes you identify things yourself.

onthewarpath - glad you have decided to talk to your GP. Hope s/he is of some help & points you in the right direction.

You know at some point on this thread I am going to get muddled with my namechange and accidentally post with my normal name. You probably won't recognise me anyway (or care!).

No psychotherapist is going to do a lot of telling you what to do. What they do is to guide you through your own thought processes so that you can work it out for yourself. If you think about it, that's much healthier in the long run. Not only is it 'showing your working' rather than blindly obeying instructions but it's also giving you the skills to cope better in the future if things go wrong again.

anorak, how did you find your psychotherapist?

I should really try it again (am not depressed or even sad really but have iishhooos I should work through) but I have tried therapy and found it just hopeless but the process (that you went through with your therapist) you described in one of your longer posts sounded perfect.

I know trial and error probably the best way but I find it very wearing, VERY much so, just even going to an appointment and can't bear the thought of having to tell multiple people what my issues are until I find one to click with!

The first one I went to I was referred to by my GP. The second time, my DH had been seeing one that he found in the yellow pages and she recommended another for me.

Hi hormonal horror

I feel I have to post because SO much that you have written applies to me. In fact, this could have been written by me:!
"People do always say to me I am a good mother, but I don't feel I am, and so do stupid things like suddenly making batches of fairy cakes at odd hours, or staying up crazily late reading stories when the dc would be better off asleep.

I am worried that I have very high standards and expect people to achieve. I want people to be perfect, which is why I get cross with DP when he occasionally falls short (in my eyes - other people would think him fab, which he is of course). I want my children to live up to their potential.

I think my problem may lie in these issues:

• I always feel I have not lived up to my potential
• I think as children I and my siblings were expected to achieve highly (and usually did, by chance I think"

The list of things you refer to in your first post all apply to me also - and yet - I have a fantastic, gorgeous husband who has never doubted me, beautiful children and a fufilling (if extremely tiring!) job. We have a lovely home and no real worries to speak of (which for some reason makes me worry more, its like something bad 'should' happen).

I too am a perfectionist, and work long hours, doing my job to the best of my ability. My husband has commented that I never seem to seriously relax, I worry to much, take too much on, etc.

I too have always felt that I haven't lived up to my potential whatever that may be. The scary thing is though, that over recent years I have studied to a high level and obtained some damn good qualifications, yet, I still feel that I'm lacking in something. This leads me to feel that whatever I become professionally, or whatever position I eventually hold, I could still feel like this? My problems are 100% worse for the week before my period, and I also find myself becoming quite irrational and illogical about things.

I did lose a parent a year ago who was quite seriously ill for a while before dying and obviously, that has had a severe impact on me. My attitude of showing a brave face has continued through this, and I tend to cry when I'm only my own. I also find that I'm almost scared of the rare periods of time when I haven't got anything much to do. I find these difficult to deal with, as I tend to think about what happened and get upset, so my remedy is to do something.

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't offered much constructive help - just wanted to let you know that you're not the only unbalanced one!

Thanks hissy, I was actually lurking on that other thread! Wondering whether might be hormonal (obviously, by my name), though deep down I know it's not, though it may be exacerbated by the time of the month.

I know exactly what you are talking about. Re. education I have a primary degree and three postgrad degrees, last one taken about 3 years ago, and I always think oh but until I get a PhD they don't count, or until I write something totally original, because anyone can just get a degree by studying. And re. down time, I have always got some sort of project on, I don't even watch television without having something to do with my hands. I used to sleep with the light on so that I wouldn't wake up in the dark and think about things. I actually slept for a long time with an open book in my hand and the light on (bonkers) so that when I woke up in the night I could start reading immediately and not have to think. I only really stopped that when I had a small baby in the room and couldn't leave the light on because he needed darkness.

Yes, hormonal horror, I rarely watch television without my laptop on and I'm normally doing something work related. I got an exceptionally good degree class wise and some post graduate qualifications and strangely enough, see a Phd as something to aim for in the future even though my job doesn't actually require one. Its almost as though if I know I can do something, I have to do it.

After lurking on the other thread, I'm tempted to try some of the herbal supplements suggested because my symtoms are certainly worse a week before my period.

It sounds like some of you are 'overachievers', striving to feel good enough, but however much you do, you still don't feel good enough. There is some sort of gap inside you. You can't relax and you can't feel contented with who you are and what you have. You have a sense of always searching for something you haven't found yet, but maybe aren't even sure what that thing is.

I could be wrong but I bet this is because during childhood your parents didn't show much love/appreciation/admiration unless you achieved something, and when you did they didn't just give you straight praise, they talked about how you could do it better or the next thing for you to strive for.

If somehow you could learn to love yourself for just being you, not having to achieve anything or look any particular way or make your house look a particular way, or get your children to behave perfectly etc then you could learn to find contentment. Do your partners love you just the way you are or do they expect certain things?

I seem to have rebelled and gone the other way. I have a BSc(Hons) but have partly 'refused' to have a high flying career and probably moreso, just haven't had the confidence. I 'refuse' to wear posh smart clothes most of the time and love my tracksuits and ripped jeans. My house is often in such a state you'd think it had been burgled! I like everyone to have imperfections and I don't fancy a man unless he is slightly overweight or slightly ugly or a bit rough or people generally think he is a bit of a misfit.

I hadn't realised it was such a rebellion against my parents until I wrote that! I've been angry that "why couldn't they just love me, why should I have to try to make them" (fortunately I gave up trying, to save my mental health). Now I defiantly be as imperfect as I am, almost to spite them in my head, and say "I really don't care what you think, I love myself the way I am and I have people in my life who do appreciate me and if you don't it is your loss" (I don't see them much). I think I now see being 'perfect' and maintaining a respectable image at all times as being a cold and unloving person (like my parents) so I don't want to be like that. I see imperfect people as being nicer people.

Unfortunately sometimes my attitude goes too far the other way when I don't allow myself to make anything of myself and then feel crap because I really am an unmotivated slob sometimes.

Sorry to go on, I've worked out some stuff by writing this!

Hi Acting Normal
Your post is very interesting. I certainly do strive to be 'perfect' (or what I consider perfect!) in for example, my job. I wouldn't say that I'm so much of a perfectionist in other ways, although do get incredibly stressed when the house is a tip and I'm not on 'top of things'. I also work out regularly and get stressed if I haven't got time to do it. Its not so much vanity - I do actually feel that I've achieved something and the improvements in my body are a bonus. However, I guess the fact that I get stressed and feel the need to fit it in, means that I'm veering on the side of it being slighly obsessive?!

In terms of my childhood; my parents were fantastic in many ways but didn't show alot of emotion. I did always feel the need to impress my father, although I can't consciously remember a time when he actually said 'you must do a and b'. Therefore, I'm not sure whether I actually always put these expecations upon myself and then felt that my parents held them too, or, if they came from my parents to start with.

One thing I do know however, is that the memories that stand out with my father are either a) moments when he was disappointed with me (and actually, there are not that many!) and b) moments when he was extremely proud of me. All of these memories are related to academic/work based achievements/disappoinments. I've always envied people who seem happy with where they are in life. Don't get me wrong - I'm not money orientated, in fact, as long as I've enough to pay the bills, have a bit of fun and not have to worry, I'm happy. I have no urges to have the latest coat, shoes etc. Therefore, I know that my need to achieve does not relate to being rich.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hijack the thread but some really good advice is being given here.

Acting Normal, you hit many nails, and, hissyfit, I can identify with a lot of what you've posted, too, particularly in relation to what you've written about your father. To his children, my father was very demonstrative, very loving and generous with his time, and so on, though I would say he was quite controlling in his relationship with my mother. But a question I have never really asked myself is whether I felt I needed to achieve in order to win his affection - luckily it wasn't something that arose, as I happened to be good at school and what have you without putting too much effort in. But I do wonder whether he would have loved me if I had done less of of what I wanted. I should add that I absolutely adored him (he is now dead). My relationship with my mother is more "normal" I think - more straightforward.

I'm not money-minded at all, not materialistic in any way, if I had been I'd have taken my millions of (worthless, to me) degrees and my able mind and gone off and earned some! I have ended up in a creative sphere, where I am happy, luckily for me. But as you say, hissyfit, the need to achieve is totally unrelated to financial reward.

Aaargh! I am twisting myself up in knots.

I wish I extended my weirdness to a need to go to the gym!

ActingNormal my partner very much loves me for who I am. He wants me to achieve if that's what will make me happy, but I have no sense of pressure from him at all, no judgment. If anything, I have occasionally thought, why don't you want to drive me more? Why don't you push me to make the best of myself? Why do you just sit down in the evenings and watch Have I Got News for You? Haven't you got a project to be working on?

Writing that down I can see it's a bit off-centre. The reality is, too, that he himself is a high achiever in most people's eyes, top job, works very hard, long hours, is good at his job, makes very good money from it. He also takes sport seriously and has excelled in a couple. But he is somehow balanced.

Sorry for multiple posts - just thinking about sport. Sport was not important to my father. I remember him once suggesting to me that I give up hockey (I played at college) to have more time to work for my exams. I loved hockey, and I didn't give it up, and he didn't press the point, but it always annoyed me.

Also, while he had a short-lived glittering career, he retired early and very much withdrew from life and stopped achieving in his mid-fifties, and I have always thought I don't want to be like that. I have always suspected that he was afraid he couldn't sustain it, that he would end up trickling away. Imposter syndrome - that he would be found out to be no good. I think I have a bit of that myself!

Hi hormanal horror

Yep, can relate totally to what your'e saying re. partner and father. Had to laugh at the comment about wondering how on earth he can relax without having a project!
I too was good academically - so I never actually experienced that feeling of failing him regarding my schoolwork yet seemed to fear that it could happen.

My father too has died, a couple of years ago, and the problem is that I still feel the same regarding my own problems. Surely if it was his pressure I wouldn't feel like that now?

And with regards to 'imposter syndrome' - I hold a pretty responsible job, which, I know deep deep down, I do well because I do work hard at it. Yet sometimes, I almost have this nightmare that I'll get 'found out'. Someone will actually turn around and think 'what on earth is she doing here?'!

Crazy eh?

Wanna share a cell in the asylum???

Ha ha

At least I've finally met someone whose just like me!

It seems like I'm the only one out there!

Hello again

I mentioned my dark days and black feelings to my GP this morning. Seems I may need a psychological solution rather than a pharmaceutical one. At least they know about it now.