Help! RE DD's dad, mental health probs? Poss serious, really worried.

[AnarchyAunt]

Ok, so brief background.

DD's dad left us nearly 4 yrs ago for another woman, with whom he has since had a child. He has 3 children by 3 women, none of whom he sees much (ie, once or twice a year). I now live 80 miles away from him and his family.

Before he left me I had concerns about his mental health - he has no ability to open up or talk about his feelings, he was obviously depressed, constantly lethargic, didn't eat much, had strange paranoias (ie being convinced the woman next door had poisoned his cats then made it look like they had been run over on the main road ), insomnia...

Since we split he has basically refused to speak to or see me, but I have been hearing from friends that his behaviour is getting stranger. I have just had his best frind's GF on the phone to ask for his parents phone number. Apparently last night they went to see him, he was taking coke (he has been drinking and doing drugs a lot recently, she says), and then found a dead rabbit in the road and started to skin and eat it raw (he is ardent veggy, has been for 20+ yrs). She said he was incoherent, they thought far worse than drink would render him, and ranting and abusive. They tried to talk to hm but he threw them out saying they were not his friends anymore. So I gave her his parent's number (they know his parents as are v v old friends), and she rang them to try and talk to them about how worried they have become.

His mum answered and insisted he was fine His bf says this is definitely not the case. He is living in a completely empty house - burnt the furnituer on the fire, has no cooker/fridge/bed. Nothing. He doesn't eat, or speak to anyone really.

I am worried sick. He will not speak to me so I don't know what I can do, but his friends are concerned (as am I) that he is so unbalanced/delusional/paranoid he may harm himself. Does he have to ask for help himself or can we get him any? Whats the best way to help? I cant bear the thought, no matter how badly we have got on in the past, that DD may not have him in her future. She needs him.

Part of me wants to go up there now on the train and give him a hug and cook him some dinner, and try to talk to him. I know he wouldn't even let me in.

I really don't know the answer, but I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very distressing.

How about phoning 'mind' for some advice?

maybe try calling his GP or social work??

If he is as ill as you think it is doubtful that a hug and a cooked dinner (no matter how well meant) are what he needs.

Its a harrible situation to be in - and well done you for caring.

Hope it works out

If you are concerned for his safety then you must phone his GP and tell them your concerns and they will take the action they think is appropriate. If you don't know his GP you could try NHS 24. He doesn't need to ask for help himself if he is doing things which seem to those who know him that he may have lost his insight/reason and he may be putting himself at risk. Good luck, this is a horrible situation for you to be in.

Thank you both. I hadn't thought of Mind but will try them.

lal123 - I know it wouldn't help at all really, it was more to illustrate quite how concerned I am and that I'd do anything if I thought it would help, despite the really terrible feeling there's been in the past. Its surprised me to realise how much I do care about him as a human being and father to our DD, whatever I think about the way he's treated us and behaved iyswim?

AFAIK he has no GP, never did when I was around anyway.

This is a really tricky situation, particularly as his parents (who are presumably legal next of kin) deny there is a problem. If at all possible it would be best if you aren't directly involved in asking for help for him in case this is misconstrued (by him or his parents etc) as you may be wrongly portrayed as an intrusive and troublemaking xp. (it is clear from your posts that you are not, but I am just thinking that your ex has refused to see you/speak to you)

Would his bf/bf's girlfriend be happy to pursue this further? Do his parents know about the drugs?

Even if he is not officially registered with a GP afaik his records are likely to be at whichever surgery he was last seen at.

Could his friend/you ring the local Crisis Team/Mental Health Team for further advice. They should be experienced in working with people who have no insight or are refusing help when clearly something is very wrong. If his parents do come to realise how serious things are, they can make a formal request for an assessment under the Mental Health Act. This basically means that mental health professionals will see your ex whether he agrees or not. (but only if he appears to be posing a risk to himself or others, which from your description may well be the case)

BF and his GF are more than happy to do whatever they can. For years they have carried on trying to support him (even when they think he has behaved terribly) and help him, in the hope that they could do some good and maybe one day get him to see sense. Will suggest to them (they live close to ex) that they call the local Crisis Team.

His parents basically don't want to know. They have been told, but are in complete denial. According to his mother he is 'just tired'

I am just so scared that we will not be able to convince anyone he needs help, or that he will manage to convince them he is fine.

And then I need to try and decide what to do about his erratic contact with DD - whether to stop it altogether and say why, or let it carry on but insist he is supervised, or what...

Hi AA - mental health professionals are used to people trying to convince them they're fine. If they consider him to be enough of a risk to himself they can act against his wishes. If not, they'll try their best to get him to consider some support. I definitely think his bf needs to get on the blower to someone tomorrow, and as I said, the professionals will decide what they need to do from there. I'm sure he can ask not to be identified if that's what he wants. I live in Scotland, so I'm not sure about English law and this 'formal request from next of kin for an assessment' business. Assuming you're in Enlgand that is? In Scotland there doesn't need to be any such request from nok, just enough serious concerns expressed by whoever is an interested party. As you say nok are sometimes in denial although they do need to be informed if someone is detained under the Act in Scotland and it is good practice to contact them as part of an assessment. Anyway, I think phoning the local mental health team as a previous post said is good advice. The local Social Work (which you will find by phoning the relevant local council) should be able to put you in touch with them.