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i am not coping at all thou others think i am.

19 replies

SadorMad · 14/10/2008 12:35

sorry i have had to name change but i am a regular long time poster just feeling vunerable and embarrassed about how i feel and think i can be more honest with a different name.
i am struggling with scary thoughts and i know things are bad cos i found myself counting out tablets the other night.
i am very isolated and am struggling to be able to talk about how i feel, i have been having counselling, but counseller is off sick,not her fault i know but i feellike i am gonna explode as i had so many things i needed to talk to her about today and now i can't i have phoned the samaritans many times and it helps but only for a short time.
i spend lots of my days in tears or staring at the walls wondering if this is all life has to offer and if thats the case then i can't live like this forever, i know i need to pull myself throu this and i know other people have a harder life than i do, i am probably just feeling sorry for myself and wallowing but don't know how to stop.

OP posts:
whyme2 · 14/10/2008 12:54

I just wanted youto know that I've reaad your post. I don't have any advice but i did want you not to feel unanswered. It is awful when you feel so isolated and 'done in'. Perhaps try to get outside, visit the library and find something to read to distract you?? I don't know but please don't do anything like overdosing.

NoXmas · 14/10/2008 12:55

where are your children?

Is there anyone locally who could come and see you?

Try and go out for a walk and get some air. dont sit at home and feel so bad.

Rapunzel100 · 14/10/2008 12:57

Hi. Sorry to hear you feel so bad!
I too have had days like that. I was diagnosed as borderline depressive at one time but i managed to pull myself through.
It was hard but I did it!

You mention that your isolated. I too was the same...family live abroad etc.
The best thing to do is get outside in the fresh air...take a walk in the park and look around you. Autumn is such a beautiful time of year. Take time to notice all the things you may usually miss.
Chat on the phone to someone you have not seen in ages or get out and go to the cinema, watch a comedy DVD maybe.
I found comedies were great relief...laughter is a great cure...it lifts the spirits!

Take up a new hobby. Sometimes the mind is bored and you need to kick start yourself with a fresh activity.
I enrolled in a college course and got out and made friends. I joined a gym and got fit at the same time...although thats slightly gone to pot now I hasten to add!!
To top it my Husband bought a puppy. Its lovely to have something to nurture and to have a lovely little soul to want your unconditional love. Plus it gets me out walking and noticing all thats good in the world.

It sound like you need to set yourself little goals. Even if its shopping at Lush for some gorgeous bath bombs to pop in the bath in the evening. Anything like that makes you feel special every once and a while.

Hope that helps...please don't despair!
Get some big lungfuls of air and take stock.

SadorMad · 14/10/2008 13:14

Thanks for all your replies.
don't worry i am not going to do anything silly, the thoughts worry me but i won't act on them, i struggle to go out the house i get very anxious just doing the school run some days, i cant face seeing people in case my cover slips, my mates all think i am doing ok, except for a couple of closer ones but they don't know just how bad i feel, i don't want to scare them off or frighten them.
i have no motivation at the moment and i think that is the biggest thing that keeps me where i am, i try to make plans but i don't find any joy in anything at the moment apart from the kids but then at times i find them too much.

OP posts:
Rapunzel100 · 14/10/2008 13:23

Its not good to put on the brave face all the time. Everyone is vulnerable at times and maybe some of those Mum's on the School run feel exactly the same.
Why not go out for a coffee with one of them?
You don't need to divulge everything, but it may help just to have a friendly chat.

It sounds like you need the motivation to boost your confidence, although children can give you a bit of motivation its oh so easy to get into routines.
This leads to the boredom-anxiety-no motivation route.
I have been there!

It sounds like you need a support network around you and having a councellor is a step in the right direction. But don't let the other Mum's put you off talking...everyone has their problems and I suspect it would be good to have a little chat with one or two you could trust.

Good luck

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 13:36

you know, sometimes we all have days where we want to hide, or feel as tho we are going mad. I do......more times than I would like to admit, and I know that my friends have shite times too and I don;t wish to put on them, but that is what friends are for. to be there for you when you are down so that one day, you can be there for them.

you need to say something......even if it is an email or a text, if you don;t feel like telling them on the phone or to their face.

something as simple as......"not doing too well today, need a hug, you got any to spare", and if they are the right type of friend for youo, they will be there, and they will be thankfull that they are able to be there, and that you let them in.

I have two good friends who hide from me at times, and it makes me feel sad that they feel the need. I actually appreciate when people tell me that they are down......gets my life into perspective, and also, the advice we can give can also suit the advice we need to hear IYGWIM.

sometimes the best thing to ever do is just ask for a hug and sob on a good friends shoulder......I now that is often all I need.

I know about the councelling issue too.....I am haivng some at the moment, and altho it started off about car and driving issues, it has in the last two week hit about my childhood......and my god am I finding it hard. It is bringing up feelings I am not liking, and it is also making my temper short with the children........but I either come here, or try to tell someoen. often not the 'right' someone, but someone all the saem, as once I feel like I have spoken about it, it kind of loses the spell it has on me......if that makes sense.

what I am trying to say is.......speak out. tell someone......don;t hide as it then creates a circle that you find actually digs a hole and you fall in.

I am gonna leave you with a if you take them, and please, never feel as tho you cannot speak. decent friends really don;t mind!

SadorMad · 14/10/2008 13:50

Thanks for the replies, thing is i am in a difficult situation at the moment, i can't say what i am dealing with without outting myself and if i out myself then i have lost the chance to offload, because of the situation i have found myself in lots of people avoid talking to me cos they don't know what to say or think that they will say the wrong thing IYKWIM, thinks feel quite bad now but cos i have looked as thou i am ok people have decided that i am ok.
i struggle to reach out to RL people cos of fear of rejection i am not strong enough to deal with that on top of everything else.
Psycho you do "know" me, we do have a couple of ishoos in common, i think you will understand why i am being a bit vague as trying not to out myself.

OP posts:
PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 14:04

SadorMad.......quite possible. altho if I say what I would like to say (assuming you are who I think), then I might out you and I don;t want to do that.

all I will say is.........email me or ring me, or text if and when possible. I am not a scary axe murderer really, and you know, it might just help us both to be able to talk honestly instead of pretend all the time (cos I do that a lot too!!)

MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 14:05

Hi SadorMad. is there anyone in your life - friend, relative - you can broach this with? I just feel so sorry for you. You need a cry and a hug and to get it all out.

Rapunzel100 · 14/10/2008 14:19

Sounds as if psychoaxemurderermum could be a light for you sadormad!

Get in contact with her...really it could help you to get things off your chest.

Sushipaws · 14/10/2008 14:19

I'm really sorry to read that you feel so alone. As a sufferer of PND I feel a bit of what your going through. I'm afraid I don't have much advice, have you tried group sessions for depression, they can introduce you to others in the same situation. I also wanted to say that my mother in law is a samaritan and she tells me how many people there are out there who just need a little chat. She is a wonderfully kind and understanding woman, please call the samaritans as much as you need to, thats what they're there for.

Keep posting, we're here if you just need to type talk....

SadnotMad · 14/10/2008 14:59

I don't have your email or phone number so I might not be who you think I am, we have been on the same threads a lot recently, I am usually around on here cos I sttruggle to go out just cos I find it hard to be around people, I used to be very confident but the last few months have zapped all my confidence and self esteem my life has changed so much and it feels so out of control, dunno if I will ever get a life I am happy with, I used to be happy and I know for now I have to get throu the days until I once again see the sunshine, I know there is sunshine as I have seen it before. If I could sleep and eat then I would feel so much better but I'm not good with sleeping and I forget to eat.
I sound like a hopeless case don't I?
I don't have any family support, my kids my mates and MN are all that I have.

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 15:04

you are not hopeless, you are just down, and that is a huge difference.

no, you are not who I thought of immediately, but that does not change my advice!

you can reach me on psychomum @ gmail . com

and I am really not about to reject you.

I have only ever rejected one person who has been struggling, and that was because they used something from my life against me (you may know who I mean).

suffice to say, you have people who are here and willing to listen.......sometimes you need to let them.

SadnotMad · 14/10/2008 16:01

yes I do know who you you mean I have been in touch with the same person on her thread and by email but have found it too much to deal with IYKWIM.
You did suggest you and I meet up very recently distance is a problem for me. You are meeting up with someone very soon who I have recently met with.
I think you will know who I am now.
once you know who I am things will become clearer as there are a few ishoos that I can't say about as they would identify me, those ishoos are the things that make all this stuff so very difficult, I have had masses of support from MN but now most of Mn think things are ok for me and I would feel like a failure to admit to how things really are.
Maybe that's the problem maybe I am trying to deny the truth? I am usually on MSN and can talk on there I am best at typing prob cos no one can see me crying.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 17:20

I cannot give a decent reply right now as I am in the middle of dinner, but I think I do know who you are, and rest assured that I am here, and I send many many hugs.

I will be back later

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 21:40

all is calmer here know, so I can give you a proper reply.

please don;t ever think that we are not here to support you. you, more than many her, deserve as much support as possible. you are a wonderful caring woman who is there for other people to......I meant what I said earlier with regards to talking to friends......we are there for our friends as we know they would be there for us when we need.

or, to put it another way......you give love, care and support during your life, to others, almost like a bank deposit, and then you draw on the interest later....which is what you are now needing to do, so do it!

no-one will hold it against you if you reach out and ask for a hug. in fact, I am willing to bet that they would be more saddened that you feel you can;t.

from me, I said hugs. also, please email me, I can then give you my MSN addy......I can be found there too.

oh, and for what it is worth.......I am so so glad that you stepped back from 'you-know-who'. I saw you on a couple of her threads a while back and I have to confess I was worried. It was all about the time I was realising that she was taking far more energy than she deserved, and also, suspicions were rising as to some of what she was telling me.

and then came the crunch where-by she used something that was part of me, against me, and (I have to be honest) it terrified me. I am very lucky tho......that is when I found I could reach out to my friends and they were there for me.

and so the circle goes on, and I can pass on the care shown to me!

many many hugs tonight.

SadnotMad · 14/10/2008 22:15

here i am, i have emailed you, yes i sort of agree with you about stuff in the bank i have been on MN for a few years now and put lots into the bank, but i would still rather give than take IYKWIM but to be honest i am struggling to give right now.
i am around on msn now

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 14/10/2008 22:29

sorry I missed your email earlier, and you replying here.......am watching CSI

I have replied now.

jes74 · 15/10/2008 00:47

SadnotMad I couldnt just read your thread and not reply, I have spent much time being ok in the eyes of others when I wasn't. My childhood was traumatic for many reasons and I built castle walls around my problems to try and protect me, not realising they stopped friends from supporting me and trapping me within those walls. It took a good friend along with a person I hardly knew to break down the walls and for a while I felt so exposed, but I was able to slowly trust other friends enough to let them know I was not ok and in turn they were really able to show me what friendship really meant.
Friends will never feel failed by you that much I am sure, Also the bank on MN does not keep count as too what you put in or take out, this is one of the reasons I can be found lurking so often on these boards(I read far more than I post)

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