this is just not right but I can't help it

[jabberwocky]

After a horrendous pregnancy, labor and birth with PND/PN PTSD I am finally having more good days than bad. We are blessed that ds is a happy healthy little boy and everything that I could have wished for. Since weaning him a few months ago I finally started ovulating again. Now, every month when it happens I get this insane urge to get pregnant again. I don't really want to talk to dh about it as eveyone (doctor, therapist and family) agree that it is just not a good idea. So, I don't understand why I keep feeling like this. I know I couldn't cope with two, dh would go bonkers. Why do I thinking these thoughts?

It's biological love. I get like that every month and I have 4 kids and no real desire for more. But, having said that, just because you had problems with your first, doesn't mean you will have the same problems (or any at all) with a second, and looking after two is not twice the trouble of looking after one IMO.

Oh, it's good to know you have felt that way too. TBH, part of me is just so terrified of trying again, mainly because of the Bell's Palsy. Probably vain I know, but having half my face paralysed for weeks and weeks was just awful. They say I am at slightly increased risk of it happening again and of course there's always the chance it won't go away. . If it weren't for that I might try to talk dh into it I think but he is still unnerved by the whole PND thing which hasn't completely gone away actually.

It sound as though you need to just be glad for the child you do have. Is time on your side? Could you wait a few years before having to make a final decision?

I think that's the other thing. Time is definitely not on my side. Will be 40 this month and dh is 56!

Oh I turned 40 myself a couple of months ago. It is OK in itself, but I wouldn't want to be thinking about more children in my 40s. Do you feel you will always regret it if you do not have another child? I must admit I have always wanted 4 but after 3 I felt I couldn't cope with 4. Then I thought, I only live once and I don't want to be lying on my death bed wishing I had had 4 children instead of 3, so I gritted my teeth and got on with it. It is hard and sometimes I wish I was like other people with only two children, but I think at the end of my life, I will feel fulfilled as a parent. You need to decide how important it is for you to have another child, or does having the one already fulfill your parenting ambitions.

I guess I have always thought "either none or two" as both of my parents were only children and did not like it. On the other hand, ds is an exceptionally bright child, has done practically everything early and tbh I think would be a hard act to follow. It's just hard to be rational. Sometimes I think i could put some of the horror of his birth behind me with a second one but what if it was just as bad? I'm dithering, I know. I guess these are mostly rhetorical questions but it is helpful to get it out.

What happened with the birth? My first baby was a bad birth but the other three have been completely OK (in retrospect! - giving birth isn't high on my enjoyment list!) Could you insist on a planned caesarian? If Posh Spice can do it, so can you!

I think 2 is a nice number - an only child doesn't always learn to share and take the rough and tumble of sibling play - but if your son is happy, you mustn't feel obliged to provide him with a playmate just because your parents were unhappy as children. An only child is often privileged in terms of having more money spent on him and having his parents' undivided attention. They are often very mature and better adapted to the outside world than children with siblings.

Actually the second would be a planned c-section. I think if I could get around the Bell's Palsy thing all else would pale incomparison. It would be difficult financially to have a second one now, the money issue is a good point.
How far apart are yours?

Ds1 is 18 months (to the day!) older than ds2.
Ds2 is 21 months older than dd.
Dd is nearly three years older than ds3.

The gap got larger and larger as I became more and more exhausted!

Have just looked up Bells Palsy in my medical encyclopaedia. It says it is usually caused by a viral infection. Was yours definitely linked to your pg?

oops meant to say ds2 is 27 months older than dd.

Yep, 3rd trimester pregnancy is a risk factor. It is an inflammation of the facial nerve brought on by the herpes virus. I think perhaps all the swelling I had may have precipitated it. Stress can also do it and there's plenty of that in the 3rd trimester too! (At least for me)
It's just an awful awful thing to have hanging over your head.