Depression and keeping an unplanned pregnancy

[PinkArjuna]

I guess I am really tired and really depressed. I am 25 weeks pregnant now. It was unplanned and I never wanted a child. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had had an abortion. I do have feelings that I want to meet my unborn son yet overall because I am so depressed I can't even imagine wanting to hold him when he is born.

I have had depression all my life. I am afraid that after the birth if things grow graver with my mood it would not be sensible to keep him at all. I don't want to hurt him. I never had a relationship with the father so I will be a single parent.

Has anyone else experienced this? A total apathy? I had eating disorders and things and I can't imagine wanting to hold my son close or breast feed. I try to tell myself you'll do it. I go through the motions of buying equipment, planning antenatal classes, reading - doing all the things I am supposed to. I even want to meet him. All the kicks from the inside make you curious but I am not sure if that is enough.

How do you make the decision to give up a child? I know I will wait and see what it is like when I have him but it is something I have been thinking about alot. I try to tell myself it'll be ok when I have him but it isn't ok now and managing on your own with a newborn may make things that much worse. I'm not sure how much of the pregnancy I can actually take at this point. It is miserable and a total disability.

I am slowly loosing will and it is only beligerence that makes me get out of bed. I can ride out alot, I am strong in that sense but I am not prepared to live like this after he is born when I will be responsible for him too.

Pink - so sorry to hear you are feeling like this, you have sounded soooo strong and positive recently.
When i was younger (and before DS1) i also suffered depression and eating disorders. I can honestly say that since having him i SWEAR that having the responsibility of HAVING to look after this child i have never felt depressed again.
His pregnancy was unplanned but i did stay with the father (DH now). It was hard and i cant pretend that you do need help around you at first with a newborn. But that doesnt have to be the babys dad ... friends and family can be even more supportive. You sound SUCH a strong peraon and i really hope you get through this ... we are here for you

Please get help. Antenatal depression is not that uncommon and you can get help from a community nurse and even with anti-depressants if you want to go that way. Please tell your GP. A Mumsnetter - Rhubarb - suffered from severe depression in pregnancy and set up a website- perhaps someone else can find a link. You sound very good and sensitive as well as very unhappy, and I am sure with help and support you will give your son all the love he needs and deserves. Good luck.

i cant offer any adivce other then,(due to my mother remarring i had a really crap childhood and for that reason didnt want kids to young. im now 25 my ds is 2 and i wouldnt change him for the world), having a baby does all sorts to your body, mind and the way you look on life, dont think about " what will happen if" just think things like " what colour hair will he have" think nice things. i do wish you the best of luck and remember that there are lots of mums here at mumsnet who are around, some till the early hours of the morning, who can offer surport and advice, and in a cybernet sort of way will hold your hand every step of the way..

p.s - the love you will feel for your newborn may astound you and you will want to keep going for him.

Just to say like Aloha, ante-natal depression is not uncommon, although it feels like it is. I had it with first pg and felt totally abnormal and an unfit mother to be. I cant remember the website Aloha refers to now. I will have a look in the archives and see if I can track it down. I realise your problems go back further than this pg, but please realise you are not alone and there is help out there.

Cant do links but think this is rhubarbs site
www.unplannedpregnancies.co.uk

PinkArjuna, no advice really except please get help antenatal depression is more common than you may think and there is help out there. Do you have anyone to support you and help you? Could you possibly contact your local MIND office and they will be able to signpost you to specialist help. Thinking of you, Winniex

Thanks I have been onto the Dr's alot but it takes them too much time to get the referrals through. I found out to that they had made a mistake and haven't sent any referrals at all. Now I have to wait another week to get an appointment with the Dr's. I want to talk about it. Cos there is a big part of me which wants to keep him but I can't live with misery all the time. You can only be strong so long I don't want to tip over the edge.

Thanks for the support

Pink - sorry to hear you are having so many problems atm. I was in a similar position to you -having bad problems with OCD/Depression that flared up during PG. My GP was nigh on useless - would only refer me to counsellor, not psychiatrist. Fortunately the doctor I saw at the one routine dr appointment for normal PGs was absolutely wonderful when I told her how I was feeling - referred me to hospital disability support midwife, and had me have monthly dr appointment with obs gynae to keep an eye on me - ultimately the consultant obs gynae referred me to a psychiatrist. I got an appointment in the post 2 days after I saw the obs gynae - the appointment was 14 days later. I got prescribed Prozac, and have never looked back.

I know it is so awful to feel like this, like you won't be able to look after the baby. But you still have time, with the right treatment, to feel a lot better by the time of birth. I would say I was 50% better by the time I had DS. That 50% made soooo much difference to the way I felt, and my confidence dealing with DS. Once you start getting at all better, it is like a snowball effect. It's not ideal to be recovering from a mental illness at the same time as getting used to a new baby. But it can be done, with the RIGHT TREATMENT.

As PG and scared about if you will be able to cope with your baby, you should be A PRIORITY CASE. If your GP still drags his heels, then two options - to try and access extra help via MW/HV system - you could phone MW at your local hospital to see if they have a disability support MW or MW specialising in mental health problems, or you could simply go down to A & E, say you are very depressed and insist on waiting there till you see the Duty Psychiatrist.

best of luck

I have got an appointment at the Dr's tomorrow and hopefully they can push the referral on. I have always had psychiatric care it is just making the transfer since I moved house has mucked things up. I think councelling would help alot. I have always found the side effects of anti depressants have been almost worse than the problem itself. I wouldn't rule them out after the birth if things weren't right just for a short time.

I phoned mothers for mothers today. They are a group for postnatal depression in Bristol. The woman I spoke to was really supportive and they have a proceedure of ringing people once a week to make sure they are ok. Also she is sending me information on meeting other mums or pregnant mums with depression so I have that to look forward too. She was really understanding.

I think everyone just tells you it'll be ok when the baby arrives and they are just worries. I wouldn't be saying unless I was genuinely worried. I have suffered from depression for years and know when it gets past being managable. I suppose it is just because the people here don't know me and haven't got my notes. I don't like that antenatal care is so resticted to the midwife and the appointments so far apart.

Well I am not going to make any hasty decisions - just being able to talk to someone was really good. If my old consultant hadn't given the wrong information to the New Dr's I am sure I would have been seeing someone by now about working out proper support.

Thanks so much for taking the time to look in

PinkArjuna, how did you get on at the drs?
Thinking of you, Winniex

Things went well with the Dr Since I moved to the new practice I have seen a few Dr's one of them that I saw the time before this wasn't very nice. So I booked an appointment with the the nice one I saw first. He has promised to chase up my referral to the community mental health team so that I can have some sort of therapy worked out.

I spoke to the midwife too and that was helpful. I have tried to involve myself more in the bubba to be by sorting out his room and things. Now I feel very quilty for considering giving him up. I have finished a mammouth assignment I had to do for college so I have less pressure there too. Catching up on sleep this weekend has really helped.

I suppose I feel as though I am not just keeping my head above water on my own anymore and feel that the wheels are in motion to get some proper support. The midwife said to ring anytime I felt as distressed as the other day. I still feel a little low and sensitive but not all over the place. I feel vastly stronger after my mini crisis the other day. It isn't easy though but I feel like I can start to get things together and it doesn't feel so out of control then.

I just get so tired because of the pregnancy it invariably makes the depression worse. I think I need to look after myself a bit.

Thanks

Aw, Pink. I've only just spotted this. I think you are very strong and courageous. I'm so sorry you feel this way. If it helps, I know of two people who planned to give their kids up for adoption, but as soon as they had them they fell in love with their babies and kept them. Maybe you need to see the baby to make that bond.

Let me know if I can help...

glad to see that things are moving, Pink, in terms of getting you some proper support.

might be worth mentioning to your MW how tired you are feeling - might be you're a touch anaemic that can defo make you feel tired and a bit depressed - you should be due another check on your iron levels soon anyway

I can empathise with you completely Pink.
When I found myself pregnant with ds2 I sunk into a terrible depression.
Ds1 was unplanned, but we got used to the idea of having a child & all was fine.
However, having a second unplanned pregnancy was too much & because my dh was not happy about the situation I blamed myself for recking his life (I could not bring myself to even think of termination) and went through my entire pregnancy in a state of almost denial, as it was the only way I could get through it.
I did not even like feeling the baby moving, as it reminded me that I was really pregnant.
I also covered my bump up with a long coat & hated anyone noticing that I was actually pregnant.
I did not speak to anyone because I thought that everyone expected me to feel happy, as pregnancy should be a happy time.
I did not realise that there was such a condition as ante natal depression at the time & looking back I should have seeked help months before his birth.
When he was born my dh showed no emotion & did not hold him until he was 3 days old.
I sunk into real depression after the birth, as I could no longer blank things out in my head & there was a real little person here who needed me.
Eventually I confided in my HV & was prescribed AD's & given counselling.
Over time I got better & better & now I find it hard to believe I was ever that bad. (My adorable ds is now nearly 2)
I still feel really sad that I do not have the same happy memories of my pregnancy & birth that I have for ds1 & I am racked with guilt.
I think you are doing the right thing in seeking help before the birth of your baby, I wish I had.
I know just how you are feeling & really feel for you.
If you ever want to CAT me, feel free.
I wish I had MN when I was going through my last pregnancy!
I hope you find the help you need & soon feel better.

Pink, I don't live to far away from you (Bath) If there is anything i can do to help i will happily do so. I suffered from post natel deppresion and even though this is different from what you have, I feel that I understand a little bit Hope to hear from you soon and like i said, would love to meet up if possible.

PinkArjuna, just caught up with this. Glad things are moving for you. Be kind to yourself.
Thinking of you. Winniex

How are you today pink?