Notreallycoping
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so terrible. Please be assured I do understand. This reply will be long - but please take the time to read it. I've tried to keep things simple for you. I hope I am of help and don't annoy or upset you. XX
What age is your DS? Are you breast feeding him? Have you been diagnosed with post natal depression?
There, all the questions are out of the way.
First thing to be sure of is that there are people out there to help you. The scary bit is trying to put into words what you are feeling. You must also be reassured that noone is going to take your son away from you. I too was terrified of this happening - that I'd be labelled a 'bad mum' who is not able to cope. But that never happened. Your DS loves you, needs you and you are the one to give him all he needs.
Maybe you are trying to do too much, to be too perfect. Try and think about what NEEDS to be done daily, what can WAIT, and what DOESN'T NEED to be done.
eg
NEEDS - food, clean clothes, rest. Sleep when you put your DS down. Have you tried to use a baby monitor that monitors the baby's heartbeat and breathing? I know I slept with one ear listening for every sound and I didn't get a good enough rest. My mum bought me a monitor and it 'listened' for me - and was more alert than I'd ever have been - it allowed me to get quality sleep that I needed.
WAIT - housework!!! The dusting & vacuuming can wait. Only wash clothes that are dirty. If your son is young an outfit may do him a few times before needing washed.
DOESN'T NEEDS - ironing everything - fold things up and minimise what you need to iron. Time consuming cooking - beans on toast; pasta with sauce.
If you are breast feeding you may NEED to introduce bottles. I can understand this may led you to feeling that you are losing the one special bond you have with your son, or that you must have failed because you 'can't do it' - these are the feelings I had when I had to stop it. But believe me although it was hard to get my head around it, it WAS the BEST thing for me to do. DS got a full tummy and there were others I could hand him to for feeding time. He will still be getting the nutrients he needs - plenty of babies are fed this way from birth.
I can't comment on the HIV tests, however, I do know and have experienced the debilitating fatigue - mental and physical that bad post natal depression can give you. Are you taking enough vitamins and minerals?
Lastly - talk to your Health Visitor or your GP again. Don't make out that all is OK - she probably sees what's happening anyway and is just waiting for you to say how crap you feel. You probably will be started on anti-depressants which will take a few weeks to start to work. If you don't know what to say write a few symptoms down on paper and give the list to them.
Copy this list out and hand it over - it's what you said in your post.
Crying all the time.
Break down at the slighest thing.
Can't see a way out of feeling like this.
Have no mental or physical strength.
Not sleeping at night.
Can't cook,
Scared.
Overwhelmed and unbearable.
I can't do it any more.
Take care of yourself, and don't do anything you know you'll regret. Deep down you know you want to get rid of the fuzzy feeling that is clouding your judgement, but at this moment you just can't shake it off.
Telephone your doctors emergency out of hours service. It may be Friday night, but if you had a broken bone in your arm you'd get the medical attention... go on Babe, ask for the help. xx BIG HUG xx