Can't stop worrying about kids and can't relax enough to enjoy things

[ActingNormal]

I thought I might have anxiety but have read some of the threads on anxiety and I don't have all those physical symptoms and it isn't that extreme. But I never seem to relax. I'm hypervigilant, making sure that nothing bad is about to happen with the kids or is happening and worrying about how to prevent anything bad.

I keep thinking of really bad things that could happen and then I almost hold my breath until I feel they are 'out of danger'.

Eg when they are playing upstairs I am worried they will play on the stairs and they will fall down the stairs and break their necks.

I'm worried they will empty their toy tubs and stand them upside down and climb up on them on the landing and could fall right over the bannisters.

I used to worry they would accidentally hang themselves on the cord for the blind (we have removed the blind now).

I worry about them climbing up on furniture and jumping/falling off and breaking a limb or hitting their heads.

I feel I need to be right there watching them.

On holiday they were enjoying playing in rock pools but I couldn't relax, imagining if they slipped and fell and smashed their teeth on the rocks. I also worry if they stand up in the bath they will slip and smash their teeth.

DH shouts at me for being too controlling and wrapping them in cotton wool. I hate it if they aren't holding my hand in case they run off and get lost or run into the road.

I'm worried if they have a lollipop the end will come off and they will swallow it and choke.

I am scared of driving but do it because I have to and scared of anyone I know driving in case they have an accident.

If I hear any news story about something bad happening to a child by something trivial eg in the home by accident I can't get it out of my head and worry for ever that that thing might happen to my kids.

I can't relax and enjoy my time with the kids and have an urge to over control them and not let them do anything.

Is anyone else like this?

I have recently posted this "Look atwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/5011/615335"

Does this also sound like you?

I have also had some responses on this page: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2100/615455"

HTH xx

Thanks for posting. I don't really have an excuse for being like this, nothing bad ever actually has happened to either of my kids.

Have you only been like this since having the children or could it have been triggered by other life events you have experienced?

I'm not sure. Before having the kids I sometimes couldn't make myself leave the house in the morning so skived off from work. I didn't want to see another person or for anyone to look at me (not because of my looks, I don't know why). I didn't like sitting in the lounge because someone might look through the window, so I sat upstairs. I wouldn't answer the phone.

Sometimes when I was out in town shopping I suddenly felt I needed to be in my house and for nobody to look at me.

I get overwhelmed quite easily if I have more than a few tasks to do at the same time and feel pressured.

I'm fairly scared of responsibility and felt panicky going into work that I was going to get things wrong and people were going to be angry with me. I was perfectly capable at every job I had but sometimes the pressure seemed too much.

I'm not sure if these things are related to how I am now. I don't think I was anxious back then about my own physical safety, although I did feel quite panicky about driving.

Morning-i think you should get this sorted because 1) your kids are going to pick up your vibes and may become worried themselves.
2) you never get this precious time again and you should be enjoying it.
I suggest you face this head on-print off this whole thread starting with your post.
Make an appt. at gp`s - maybe a double you can ask for these, and just give it to him to read.
How old are your children ?
Your def not alone and well done for realising you have a problem , but nothing that you cant improve x

I think seeing your Gp would help too. I bet there are lots of people who feel the same but no one talks about it, do they? Take a deep breath and make that appt. Perhaps a course of anti depressants would help? They might make you feel better, I think. We take pills for other ilnesses so would be nothing to be ashamed of. Let us know how you get on. xxx

I've tried ADs and they didn't have much effect on me. I am seeing a therapist at the moment for other things so maybe I will talk to him about this for a few sessions.

With a lot of other areas of life, you can ask yourself 'What's the worst that can happen?' and you realise that it's not as bad as you think. With children, unfortunately, terrible things can happen. But, on the other hand, millions and millions of children survive into adulthood without those terrible things happening. And if that's the case, it's your responsibility as a mother to make sure that they grow up into secure, confident adults, not filled with a nameless dread of what might happen.

Children need to learn through experience. It's up to you to gauge the level of risk of any activity and be rational about that level of risk. So while they might fall down the stairs, they are very very unlikely to break their necks. Moreover, once they've fallen down the stairs once, they're a lot less likely to do it again. On the other hand, playing in rock pools is more risky. So go rock pooling with them, helping them over the seaweedy bits, talking to them calmly about how to find a firm footing.

Rather than thinking about news stories - because why are they news in the first place? because they're not everyday occurences - think about your own circle of friends. Have any of the children you know of fallen over the bannisters; broken their necks; hanged themselves? And how many of the children that you went to school with were injured/died in this way. Try to get a sense of perspective on how often these things actually happen.

I suppose what I'm saying is perform a mental risk assessment with each new activity. Be firm with yourself about what realistically could occur rather than what lurid headlines you might read in a downmarket tabloid and then watch/advise/support your children accordingly. Let your DH take them out on more activities if he is able at the moment to be more relaxed with them and will be able to give them the freedom they need to learn more about their abilities and limits.

I have the tendency to be very anxious - although not about children in the way you describe - but recently have begun to realise (with the doom and gloom of the economy) that there is enough in the world to worry about without creating imaginary situations that never have and probably never will happen. Now I am resolved to only deal with what has actually happened!

Slayerette, thank you, these thoughts sound useful, I will keep reading it and see if I can get it into my head. I used to have a worry about salt and artificial ingredients in the children's food. It was getting really hard to think of meals to cook for them because everything seemed to contain something bad. I read all newspaper and magazine articles and read on the internet about how bad certain foods were for you and whipped myself up into an obsession about it. Then one day I had one little thought which made me relax and I've felt ok about feeding the children ever since - I thought "I ate these things when I was a child and so did lots of people I know and nothing bad happened to us and we are still healthy".

So I know that with me if someone can get the logic into my head using the right words that really make me understand and believe things are ok then I will feel better.

There is a lot of pressure on us mothers, I feel. Sometimes the responsibility of the role can get on top of you.
It's the feeling that if anything happens it is your fault and you have let them down by not covering all possibilities.
I guess the key is to realise that you can't protect them from all dangers- you just have to do your best, believe in yourself and trust your judgement

You're right, I do feel the pressure of the responsibility. It's partly because I feel my parents really messed it up and I really don't want to get it wrong as well. I don't want to feel I am anywhere near as bad as them. I don't want some of the things that happened to me to happen to my children so that makes me anxious as well. Bad things happened without them noticing (choosing not to notice most of the time) and I am scared bad things might happen to my children if I'm not watching and listening all the time.