I think I may be losing the plot - PLEASE speak sense to me.

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Firstly - regular but name changer - sorry, but necessary
I think i may be really losing it, I feel so sad and can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm looking after my DC's but feel like I'm only putting in the minimal effort.
I've been married for a long time and although I can say without a doubt that DH is a good father and an excellent partner, i'm not at all certain that I love him.
All of a sudden I feel as if I'm settling with life instead of living it. I'm also painfully aware that DH deserves better.
I've given up work to be a SAHM and feel as if I have no identity at all.
I basically feel so very very trapped by life. I feel as if I have no opportunities and that this is all there is (I know, even as I type this, that I have a lot to be grateful for but what I know in my head is stayiong put, it isn't making my heart feel any better iyswim).
I find myself escaping the monotony of life by reading and getting obsessed with the books. It is almost as if I'm living through the storylines - god, does any of this make any sense at all?
I feel as if I'm so far down this dark tunnel that my family would be better off without me. Today, I even thought about jumping under a bus (it was short lived but it scared me that I had that thought at all). I often think that if I just got in the car and drove and never came back that DH and the DC's could find someone else who would be better for them.
I've whittered on and I'm not sure if it's made sense but thank you if you've read this far.

I would second what zippi has said, in particular.

It sounds to me like becoming a SAHM has robbed you of your sense of identity. Would it be worth reconsidering your decision and maybe thinking about doing something out of the house, even if it's part time or voluntary, so you don't feel you're losing yourself?

Yes Janni, I've come to this conclusion too. Childcare will be very interesting to arrange, but I think I need to try.
OK, big question: Do I go to bed and read my book (idealised relationships, everything I want but don't have etc) or will more of that push me over the edge?

read your book

i think you need to talk in rl

and challenge yourself

i f challenging yourself is impossible then defintely talk to your gp

Thank you Zippi, what you have said has really helped. x

well im not sure....i hope so..do something anyway

If i know you then please if i can help you in any small way let me know.
I relate to everything you have described.
Hope you get some sleep
xxxx

Thank you PFNM, I don't think you know me (unless you've changed your name recently?), but I wish I did! Talking to a friend who understood in RL would help I think.

the other thing i would like to add is that if you are deeply involved in books maybe read books that inspire you in a different way

or study them for a course

or write yourself

maybe a creative writing group

or art

cl;assic things for finding yourself

what you are doing at the moment doesnt sound enough..but its impossible to say where you might be on any line