Don't know where else to turn

[whenwillthisend]

OK my story I suffered pnd after my children were born, have one ds 7 and one dd 2, had severe pnd after my son, but luckily mild pnd after dd came.

I took ad's to relieve both pnd.

I think looking back over my life there have been times when I have perhaps suffered some kind of depression since I was 18, I can recall times when I had a very down month or 2 that feeling of a block cloud. Although nothing every diagnosed back then I just remember it not lasting too long and getting on with things.

For the past month something doesn't seem to be right, I seem to be crying more over the silliest little things, and I seem to find myself constantly shouting at dh & kids, if I not shouting I getting tearful.

Whereas in the pas I could just get on with it, having the kids just is a constand reminder of how much of a failure I seem to be. Shouting at the and that, I seem to be totally unreasonable. I love my dh and my kids so much yet I cant seem to help it.

I have did those online depression tests and it is showing as having mild depression, i really don't want to go to the doctors as I don't want to go on the pills again, I would like to try other means.

I can pretty much function through the day not like it was before when I was a wreck.

I think the thing that made me feel guilty is that my son feel off his scooter and banged his head, it was sort of like I didn't really care this ahs really shocked me as feel as though I am going through the motions being a mum, I love my kids and normally always on the floor playing with them having a laugh and joining in, now feel like a robot.

nothing has happened to set this off, in fact before this started everything seemed to be ticking along quite nicely.

I really want to give this a shot of not having to take meds, and there is a very good reason why I don't want to go back to the doctors and have this on my medical cv,if I can't vrack it on its own then I know I will have no option, but until then I need to give it 100% to try and resolve.
Thanks for reading and if anyone has any advice, help, tips etc it would be appreciated.

Gosh poor you. You have bee through quite a time haven't you.

I have no real expertise in this area I'm afraid but like you have take ADs in the past - which I found to be very helpful. I also have been to counseling - which to be honest didn't really help me very much, although it was rather nice to talk about myself for hours on end - but not really very productive. The thing that really made a difference to my life was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Although my problems were more anxiety based than depressive I think. But it was totally brilliant.

Best of luck, don't be too hard on yourself tho, all kids fall off things and bash themselves. I do see that it would be worrying not to really care tho. Poor you. xx

whenwill, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I know it's miserable.

There are two things that really struck me about your post:

1. You know the signs of depression, you know things aren't awful but they are not right. And you know that you need to do something to make sure it doesn't get worse. It can be very difficult to do realise that something is wrong and to be able to do something about it.

2. The 'going through the motions' thing is exactly how I have often felt. And it can be scary to not feel attached or bothered about things.

I am not sure what to suggest though. I have had to rely of meds and counselling and, unless you can afford private therapy, you would need to see your GP. I don't know your reasons but I too have had to avoid seeing mine so that things don't go on my record.

Do you have someone in RL to chat to? Or people who can help with the DC?

Do you get any time to yourself?

Does your DH know how you feel?

I wish I could say something more helpful...

Sorry

Something that sometimes helps me, when I am in the right frame of mind is constantly reminding myself over and over again that this is just a phase. It will pass. That, although there have been much darker times in the past, there have also been more bearable ones.

Lavender oil can help you feel more relaxed.

many thanks for replying.

I think the thing that makes me feel worse is that my mum often has the kids for a few hours / overnight so I do get a break, my husband although at times doesn't really understand is brill.

I do get time to myself, I think that sometimes is the problem.

I do also suffer from anxiety, so perhaps that CBT will help me, I will go back tot he doctors for that.

I wish could tell myself its just a phase as I not rode it out before without taking the meds.

I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to as best mate going through a messy break-up and mum is the sort of pull yourself together type, and dh works hard and has a lot of family issues to deal with.

I did have counselling before with my first bout of PND, it didn't help me either.

self help books? Some people find them really helpful. Maybe someone on here could recommend one they've found helpful? Having you tried taking something homeopathic like St Johns Wort if you really don't want to take prescribed AD's?

whenwillthisend you post really struck a cord with me - I know that I am on the verge of depression if not a bit further along from that - I often dont care about the knocks and bumps my dcs complain about - if its a serious one I tend to give sympathy but even then if dd does not calm down after a few minutes it irritates me rather than making me more comforting - I do have a major relationship problem and also problems wtih too much wine - which dont help - I keep meaning to see Doc but dont wont the meds again - tried St Johns Wort did help but keep running out of money to buy more!! I am this week trying to be kinder to myself I am going to stop drinking the wine (hopefully) and make a bit of time for me - have promised myself that I will try for the next couple of weeks to make things better for myself and if that doesnt work then I will see GP - have a book at home on CBT - did start reading it at the beginning of the year sounded good - but I did kind of lose interest - good luck and will keep checking on this post to see how you are. I too have no one in RL to talk to - probably part of my problem as bfriend and I have parted company too!! x

Sorry too that your also feeling not the best.

It is hard and I relate to several things you have said.

I too have read self help books but it sounds mad, I get part of the way through and its like I can not be bothered, how nuts is that, I don't want to feel like this but can not seem to do enough myself to pull me out.

I hope your feeling better soon, and if you want to chat you can always cat me.

Every day I get up and think right thats it I am sick of feeling so bad about my parenting or the way I look or whatever is my gripe that day but I can never really be bothered to do much about it - hope you are feeling better soon too - what is CAT?

Yes I know that feeling well.
CAT is contact another talker I think, so if you wanted we could could chat via email as I am conscious about putting too much information on here as I have friends / relatives that are on here.

Anyway if you want to email me my address is

[email protected]

Hi whenwillthisend - how are you doing this week? Feeling any better? I'm glad to say that since Monday been feeling alot better - knocked the wine on the head and its made a big difference starting to feel alot less low - although I did lose it big time one morning this week with dcs - screaming like mad woman - hoping this mood will continue but still thinking about seeing GP - will see how I go for the next couple of weeks.

whenwillthisend how are you ?