Finding the thought of an abortion so so hard

[mypandasgotcrabs]

I feel so crap. Really need to talk to someone tomorrow at FPC, but in the meantime I need to get things out! I don't have any friends locally that I can talk to, they're all too wrapped up in their own stuff & if I ever have a problem it gets brushed off within 2 minutes & the conversation gets flipped back round to being about them. I have great friends from this site, but unfortunately I need a proper hug.

Had a BFP yesterday, only 2 days late, so am just under 5 weeks. Am pregnant as a result of split condoms & failed MAP. I'm a single mum, have no boyfriend, am planning on going back to uni next year, keeping this baby is just not an option.

I can't have this baby, and I need to stop thinking of it as a baby, but it's impossible to do. Just the thought of having a little one inside me makes me smile, but I can't have it. I know an abortion is the right decision, but can't help feeling that I'm going to be haunted by it for the rest of my life. Had I been stupid/naive/whatever I think it would be easier to deal with as I could hold my hands up say, "I've been an idiot, the heartbreak of an abortion will be my punishment for not being careful", but I've done everything I can to not fall pregnant, and I think that's what's making it so hard.

It is one of the biggest you'll make and only you can truly know what you want to do. I felt (irrationally) annoyed at those I spoke to who agreed an abortion seemed to be the right thing "Yes but how can you know?!" and equally annoyed at those who said "Do it, go ahead, have it", because I thought - is it YOU who's making this commitment for the rest of your life? Offering to help bring up the child? Providing for it? Picking up the pieces if it all goes wrong? No? Well, perhaps unless there's practical help to go with - butt out whilst I figure if I can do it!

Nothing anyone said was the right thing, but slowly I pieced together all the bits and made a decision right for me at that time. Everyone is unique.

I would never dream of saying to anyone to either go ahead with having an abortion, or go ahead with keeping a baby. What is best is to have lots of people to bounce your thoughts off, than people telling you what your decision should be. Nobody else has to live with it!!!

And to those who actually are telling the OP to have the baby/don't have it - Will you still be there to offer support and advice to the OP in years to come whilst she is living with whatever her decision should be? Or will it just be another post you quickly typed and forget about in a week's time, moving on to threads about doing homework/the quality of children's shoes these days/what you watched on TV last night? Be careful when advising a stranger on a life-changing decision. You don't know enough to tell them what to do.

Completely agree with Pegdoll's comments, and yes mpgc it is a massive decision, and brave either way, and some people don't understand this, you are choosing to do the right thing for your unborn, I feel this very strongly now that i have two children. At the time I felt that due to circumstances I wasn't in a position to give this child the life that every child deserves.
It is always a subject that raises strong feelings but this is your life and your decision and you sound wise enough to make the right one for you, however hard.
Still wishing you all the best.

Thought I'd post an update. I had my appointment this morning, I almost walked out as soon as I sat in the waiting room. Over the last week I had come to the decision that I was going to have an abortion, although was firmly set that I would have surgery as I've decided I don't want the pill, I think going through an enforced miscarriage would be too hard for me. I've been definate on this decision and felt strong that I could deal with it because itis the right decision. I've been happier too since I decided to go through with it. However I cried through the whole appointment. I still know that it's the right decision to make but it's so difficult to ignore your heart. I'm earlier than I thought, apparently only just 5 weeks, which means that I would have taken the MAP about a week before rather than the day after. Which also means there were condoms another time that we didn't notice had split. I have to go back in a few weeks for another scan and will be having the surgery middle of next month, they don't do it before 8 weeks because of the risk of 'missing' it. Not sure what to do about contraception now though as I really don't trust condoms. They've given me a number for counselling, but they're not open 'til 4, but hopefully they'll be able to help me get my feelings round it.

a child changes everything. uni will not work unless you have a strong and reliable network to support you. Sorry to say, i've seen it happen - the workload with a young child and full time study is huge.

dont rush the decision, if your plans were set for the future in reality how will you re-arrange things? if you stop uni now, when will you go back?

just sit, think and write down all possible options open to you. get careers advice, get medical advice re: after effects of abortion.

If you have this child, could you make a decent life for you both? if you feel it is not the right time, do not be afraid to admit it - what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right? if you dont, is not the end of the world. but thats just what i've learnt from what i've seen in the past.

I had a medical termination about 2 years ago now. I wanted the baby but had a termination because I wasn't getting on with dh, ds was only 9 months old & I couldn't have afforded either to quit work or to pay for 2 children to go to nursery full time. Was a difficult decision & took a while to get over but I knew I'd made the decision for the right reasons which was what got me through in the end. Whilst I'll never know I'm still convinced I would have ended up divorced with 2 small children if I'd gone through with the pregnancy instead dh & I have got our marriage back on track & are now ttc. I've had issues with contraception ever since as I was on the pill when I got pregnant & my GP told me that sometimes your body just doesn't absorb the pill which is very scary. I didn't have counselling at the time as I was wallowing in being miserable basically & would definitely say take advantage of all the help you can get.

its good that youve got this far - and i wouldnt have sent my last post but the system is being slow to load the entire page so have only just read your last post.

good luck for the future

This afternoon's been horrible. I've just cried my heart out. I just want to wake up and this all be a bad dream. I feel like I want to die. Picked ds2 up from nursery this afternoon & wanted to drop them off at my mums, get on the motorway, foot flat on the floor and drive head on into a bridge. I have never ever had thoughts like that. I've never felt this low. Ever. I knew I'd find it hard, but I thought I had come round to it. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I never ever imagined it would do this to me. I almost started drinking this afternoon. Considering xp's dependence on alcohol is one of the main things that was wrong with our relationship that's a bloody major thing for me. Right now I have got a bottle of wkd, and tbh just want to drink myself into oblivion. I don't deserve this, I haven't done anything wrong, I've just been unlucky.

goodness you have been unlucky. sending thoughts to you and hugs. you sound like a very wonderful person. just take one minute at a time. you are facing a real trial at the moment but you will get through this. you will. you really will. keep posting here. lots of people caring about you.

Thank you, believe me I don't feel wonderful. Not helped by ds1 picking up on it (not difficult really bearing in mind the amount of tears there have been) and telling me I do nothing nice for them, and ruin everything.

I have counselling booked for 2 weeks time. Unofrtunately they only do it Tues pm, and nextTues is ds1's birthday, although it took me looking at the calendar for me to realise that.

panda I feel for u. Driving too fast and wanting to crash is something I thought about many times but that was after I had an abortion. My life seriously went off track for a while, nobody prepares you for the feelings once that baby is gone. I wanted the baby so much but I was scared and it seemed like the wrong time. Looking back now, I know I would have coped, I just didn't know how much help was out there. One big regret is not talking to family about it. I was awake during the procedure and was screaming NO in my head. I still wish I had got up and walked out of there. I've since gone on to have a little girl (with no partner around), and that's helped me a great deal, tho I still wish so much that I had both of my babies. I think if you're not sure about what to do, then don't do anything. If you're this upset about it now, I'd be worried you might feel worse after an abortion.

you must go easy on yourself. your ds clearly noticing you are not yourself and wanting to help, not sure how to and is trying to get attention. but when you are down it si sooooo hard to cope when they are horrible. it is v difficult. counselling prob needs to be your priority and at least you have some sorted now. well done for being so proactive.

Well I spent all last night crying my eyes out, wanted to get a knife, stab myself in the stomach, or put it up inside me to get rid of the pregnancy. I just want it over wiht now. My boss called nhs direct as I was in such a state when I went in today & they told me to see my GP. So I've seen her today, she's done all she can to bring it forward, but the unplanned pregnncy units 1st appt was 2nd Oct, then they said it would be the following week that I'd get hte pill, so that's only a week before what I have booked in atm, and for the sake of a week, there seems little point. She's tried to get me an earlier counselling appointment, but the earliest they can get me in there is the 29th, so she called the mental health team, but they can't help. She's seeing me tomorrow to see how I'm doing. I just want it over, want it out of me now. I'm not too bad now, but I'm worried what I'll be like when the boys are in bed this evening, even now I'm trying to think of ways to make myself miscarry. I can't believe what this has done to me, I've never felt anything like this before. But I can't wait another 2 or 3 weeks for anything to happen. It's not fair on my children for me to be like this for the next few weeks.

I can't advise anybody else what to do but I can add my own experience.

I had a medical termination about 15 years ago and I have never regretted it, and tbh I don't often think of it.

I had it v early and all that happened was I took a pill then lay on a bed watching TV with some other girls in same boat as me, waiting for our period to arrive. Then the nurse examined me and sent me home. I had a further examination a week later.

Obviously my own experience was unique to me and my circumstances but I never once even considered not having the termination. I have never thought of it as a baby or a life.

Obviously if you do think of it as a baby or a life then it's a much more vexed issue.

I often think that abortion is portrayed one sidedly on television, ie usually involving sobbing in waiting rooms and people changing their minds and running out at the last minute. This obviously does happen, but in my own case I just got on and did it then went back to work a day later. The girls I was in with on the day were mostly the same, but one woman was sobbing and her partner was there sobbing too. I really felt for them.

It's different for everybody.

still really thinking of you mypanda. it does sound as if youa re still thinking of other people when you are really going through it. what a wonderful person youmust be. hang in there

Hang on in there, Panda! Your hormones will be all over the place which doesn't help. I found the FP people brilliant and it was such a relief to be able to talk to them a bit about my life and why it really seemed like such a crap idea to even think about bringing another person into the world.

The Samaritans are always there if you are feeling desperate.

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I echo what everyone else is saying. You need to talk to the professionals. I'll be posting my abortion story now on a new thread.

Hi, thanks, had a 'counselling' appointment yesterday, really wish I hadn't bothered.

Most of what you have posted tells me you want this baby.

Please take some time.

This is a decision you will have to live with forever and you are already smiling about the baby.

How are you today?

Pretty crap actually. I had an appointment for tomorrow morning to go back to the fpc to have another consultation so that I can get the pill, but it's at a time I can't make because of school drop off, so tried to change it, but the next appointment they have is not until next Thurs (when I'm supposed to be there anyway for another scan). Got really upset and ended up telling them to cancel everything, so now have a baby I don't want, and no appointment to sort it out. So got on the phone to gp's and saw a doctor this afternoon. He was really nice, said unfortunately they have no way of hurrying things up, but did tell me options that I have re childcare and someone helping me. So tomorrow morning I'm going to contact my HV, see if they can help me out at all with childcare, if not then he said to go to CAB, as they'll be able to point me to the right people at the hospital, apparently they have people there who can be with you when you have it done & can go home with you. Why the hell did the FPC not tell me that? They knew the reason I was cancelling it all is becasue I have no-one to be with me/look afterthe kids. I have a friend from MN who is going to come down if she can, but she obviously can't be in 2 places at once.

The counselling session as I said was a complete waste of time. It really felt as if she was trying to push me into not having the termination, and was telling me how I wouldn't be able to cope afterwards & would feel guilty, and I would regret it. Also she didn't listen to the fact that it's not the decision making I need the counselling for, it's the length of the wait I can't deal with. She kept saying "YOu need to really think about it, don't go away from here and sweep it allout of your mind until the day arrives, you need to think lots about it" etc etc, What she thinks I've been doing for 3 weeks I don'tknow.

I just feel the reasons you are saying you don't want this baby are practical, not emotional, ie you want to go to college, kids already. Most people wouldn't have kids if they waited until they were ready.

I really hope you get this resolved the best way for you to go forward.

Mypanda, have been thinking of you over the past few weeks and wondering how you are. So sorry you are struggling so much with what is a very hard situation. Please try not to be hard on yourself, it's a sad situation which you tried to prevent in the first place. Whatever the outcome you have only, and can only, do your best. It is a shame that you didn't find the counsellor more helpful.

Totally Unfashionable, frowned upon and loathed-by-many (but heartfelt) hugs (((( )))) I hope you find a little peace of mind soon.

Thanks, hav just been on the phone to my friend from the site & feeling a lot more upbeat & have things a lot more sorted in my head (I think!).

Imnot...I do agree with you that if people waited until they were ready/it was the 'right time' to have children, the world would probably die out pretty soon, as there's always reasons for it to not be the right time. But the longer this has gone on, the less emotionally attached I feel to it. It's purely the waiting that I'm finding so so hard to deal with now. I feel I can deal with the termination & I know that it is the right decision, I just want it over and done with.

I hope you get what you want and you are fine.