I can,t deal with my feelings on this

[lostittoday]

Some of you may be aware of me from my numerous posts on conception, however I have decided to post on mental health about this has I am sure that people on conception are probably fed up of me by now.
After ttc my much longed for 2nd dc for a year I am facing fertility problems and I have had a diagnosis of early menopause at 37 years of age by an unsympathetic endocrinologist.
Has well as feeling old I am feeling so much sadness and I feel totally distraught every day about it, and I just cannot believe that it has come to us.
I cannot sleep at night for thinking about it and I hate the thought that my ds is going to be an only.
I am having trouble enjoying life at the moment and can't even enjoy the child that I do have I cry about it every day and can,t believe that I will never hold a baby in my arms again.
If I go out I get overwhelmed with sadness if I see a baby and I hate myself for this but I get so jealous of pregnant women and families with more than one child.
I find myself thinking back constantly to when my ds was born and when I held him in my arms and how nice it was and I really want that again and now I know I will never have that again and its tearing me apart.
I know that people on conception have mentioned counsiling for this sort of thing but I am just far too embarassed to ask my gp for a referral it doesn,t help that she is about 7 months pregnant at the moment either.
I would also feel silly speaking to somebody about this.
I just don,t know what to do to make myslef feel better and the problem as well is that I blame my dp alot I had been hankering after another dc for a couple of years but he was not keen and kept putting me off saying I had years to have one despite me saying I may not and would rather try now than later.
Now it has come to this and it has turned me into a bitter and twisted cow who is full of hatred and continually snaps and is irritable with everybody.
I am on the sick from work as I just can,t take the pressure anymore and I honeslty don,t know what to do about myself.
Sorry for the long post and rambling.
I am so worried that this is going to be with me forever

and what if it is?

sorry to be unsympathetic but you are neglecting the family you do have.

you need to get some help - it sounds to me like you have an addiction - an addiction to ttc and having a baby.

you have a huge problem that you need to get over

your poor pooor poor child seeing you crying all the time.

get help - you are being selfish

Oooh Custardo, that is a bit harsh. I do agree that your child should not have to suffer because all you can think of is another one. A diagnosis of early menopause must be devastating, and the symptoms of such probably are behind your depression and anxiety. You need to seek help for this.

ffs
that is not very helpful is it?

Someone is in strife and you tell them they are being selfish?

FWIW I don't think you are selfish at all. You are clearly going through a grieving process and maybe you need some help (get some counselling would be my suggestion)

I can sympathise with you, I have an only child and I would love another but I am an old hag and it doesn't happen

I take it you have looked into IVF and that can't help you at all. Have you considered adoption?

Speak to another GP. Ask for counselling. You really sound like you need some help to get through this. Don't worry about 'feeling silly' talking to someone about it, think of your child who needs you to be able to function!

custardo I am not sure that response will help someone in a fragile state, even if you do have some valid points.

LOT I think you need to speak to someone about what is going on and maybe consider some alternative options. I am sorry you are feeling so down but I there is a way out for you once you get over the shock,

Cor blimey Custardo, chill pill for you!

I'm really sorry to hear of these awful things that you have to come to terms with, it's a double blow and sounds like a nightmare.

You don't have to go through your GP to get counselling either. Try and contact your nearest fertility centre and ask them to supply you with numbers of counselling services that they recommend. These will be more specialised that the ones that your GP will be able to access. If you can afford it it may be worth seeing a private specialist counsellor.

I can't say that I know how you feel but I am 36 now and would like to ttc no 2 in the next year and I would be terrified to think that this could happen. I hope you get some peace...you are entitled to a second opinion you know. Please do something about the counselling before it gets too far. I really wish you well. x

totally sympathise. And I know that first-time ttc-ers will say, well Jesus Christ lady you have a child, shut the the f**k up. But it isn't that simple.

I, too, have struggled with number 2, mostly in actually creating a situation in which it could happen (if you get my drift) than in waiting for the results. DH is chronically ill; we expected it to be hellish to conceive number 1 and it wasn't at all, and now we're a bit like "WTF" about where number 2 is, despite having MASSIVE adverse factors against us.

I blame DH. It's not his fault and admittedly we didn't have 'choosing' factors about 'let's not try now' really but I blame him. And it's not true, the reason it hasn't happened is that it hasn't happened. Me. Him. Age. Situation. It consumes me every day and in many ways I don't even want another baby because ds was so dreadful and I can't imagine coping with the lack of sleep again. (Or on top of now!).

What can I say - perhaps if it is meant to be, it will be? And if not we have a lot to be thankful for with our beloved dc. But I definitely share your pain.

Thanks to everyone I do usually cry in private and not infront of my ds although I do know that my depression and irritability must be having an affect on him.
I know there are women who have not even got one child and I have tried to count myself lucky but somehow it just doesn,t seem to make me feel much better.
IVF is not an option I just can,t afford it and they will not fund me due to already having one dc.
I have thought about adoption but my dp will not hear of it, he can,t imagine bringing a child up who isn,t really ours he says it wouldn,t feel right.