I'm a bit freaked out really. I did something really amazingly freaky in my sleep last week. I can't remember doing it at the time, it's only when I woke up and I saw the evidence. It made me worry big style that I'm unhinged, it really was a stupid and alarming thing to do.
My uncle has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and my ds has what could be considered a mental health problem, I guess.
Background - I'm paranoid, and scared of knives to the extent I won't allow any in the house (it's a bugger when I want to cut vegetables etc, only got blunt knives - like cutlery knives) I hallucinate at night and I see writings on the walls and insects everywhere but surprisingly I'm aware that it's my imagination, even though I must be half asleep.
My ds sleeps with me most nights, but since this particular night I've not wanted him to be nearby at night, I would never even contemplate hurting him ever, (never even smacked him) but I worry that I'm a fret to him if I wake up half asleep at night. Dp reckoned it was a one-off but I worry so much that I'm just heading the same way as my uncle.
I'm fully aware that it will never happen but I have thoughts that I'm going to stab or strangle my son in my sleep. I love him to bits and I'm very protective of him, I worry about every ailment that he has, I worry that it's going to turn into something terminal so I can only imagine it's another worry of mine. But it's one that I absolutely hate, I know I'm not a danger to my ds, but it even freaks me out to even consider that I think I might be.
Has anyone else had this fear? I know I'm anxious most of the time, maybe it's just that.
I will never harm my son, I have no intentions, please don't get me wrong, it's just the fear that I could.