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Original poster

If you have depression, do your children know?

57 replies

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 25/08/2008 16:44

A couple of times I have said Mummy is ill when I am talking to them but I assume they think I have a tummy ache. I feel they are way too young (7, 5 and three) but wonder when you do tell them.

OP posts:
TrinityRhino · 25/08/2008 21:15

did you mean about the tights, hat and fleece??
Yes I saw that
Will paypal you on wednesday

Thanks
xx

Littlefish · 25/08/2008 21:16

Also, I didn't need to know why it was happening ie. what the background was, I just needed to know what was happening, that it wasn't my fault, and that everyone still loved me.

Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 25/08/2008 21:57

TR No I meant about the skirt

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Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 25/08/2008 21:58

tHANKS LF

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thegirlwiththecurl · 26/08/2008 08:08

my mum had bi-polar and very severe PND following my birth. I can't remember a time when i didn't know that she had manic depression as it was known then, although obv i'm sure my understanding of what this meant grew as i did. She spent a lot of time in hosp following suicide attempts, but i feel i coped with it well as i understood why it was happening (even had to deal with one of her attempts at the age of 8 when she overdosed after dad went to work - phoned gp and ambulance, asked neighbour to look after younger sister, phoned dad etc). I'm pretty sure my parents didn't actually ever officially tell me - just explained why she took the tablets she did etc etc so it was never a revelation so to speak. Feel that this has helped me to deal with it and never felt it was my fault or my mum didn't love me or anything. I don't think you need to go into great detail or make a big deal of it, just answer their questions honestly and appropriately for their age and understanding. Really hope it all goes well for you x

TrinityRhino · 26/08/2008 08:11

what skirt?

I'm confuuuused

Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 26/08/2008 12:25

TR This thread haven't taken pic yet!

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Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 26/08/2008 12:27

Talked to Dh last night. I got the impression he didn't think it wasn't right to talk to the children yet. I am trying really hard at the moment to not let the effects of the depression come out, but if I do fail I will try and have a little chat explaining a little then.

Thank you all, as ever, I really appreciate you being there.

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Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 26/08/2008 12:29

Here TR

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becaroo · 26/08/2008 15:40

Tell them.

My mum has had clinical depression since I can remember and I have nursed her through 2 breakdowns - 1st when I was 15 and the other when I was 21.

I knew as a child that there was something wrong, but it was never discussed. I am the eldsest of 3 and it was normal for my mum to come into my room in the early hours and beg me to call an ambulance because she was dying - my dad worked nights and I would have been about 8 at this time. It was scary. It would have been so much easier for me to understand and much less scary if they had sat me down and explained it as best they could.

I just remember being really fed up with mum sometimes...I didnt understand why she couldnt do things like other mums did andy why sometimes I had to literallty feed her to make her eat.

Good luck x

EffiePerine · 26/08/2008 15:42

Def tell them (as another child of mother with mental health issue that were never discussed). Not sutre which age is right - at 7 I think you can start brief explanations. Def by 10/11 and def def before puberty.

MrsE · 26/08/2008 17:17

I told my daughter when she was 7 - I had issues before then but needed to tell her as I was going into a private hospital for recovery from a particularily bad bought of deression. Although she didn't fully understand she did know I was ill. I explained that sometimes silly things upset me and made me cry and I needed to rest to help me get better. She knows I take pills to help as well.
Her knowing has helped in some ways as I am not hiding the problem from her and can say I'm having a bad day but she still knows I love her and it's not her fault. She is now 11 so I have explained things when she has asked and I do believe it has made it a lot less scary for her.

Good luck - I think you will feel a lot better once you have done it. X

Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 26/08/2008 18:24

I haven't said anything yet. Don't feel I can without DH being in agreement. I am also not sure if DS1 is too young at 7 to not worry. I have been better today though

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fifibb · 26/08/2008 22:58

Definitely tell them. You don't have to go into detail - just tell them in the simplest terms. My mother had depression and I spent much of my childhood believing it was my fault, and that I was the source of her rage. I now have a very difficult relationship with her, and hold a great deal of resentment that she treated me the way she did without explanation. I know it sounds harsh - and very one sided - but I feel angrier now with her than ever now that I have my own dd. This is obviously something I have to work out but it seems so sad to me now that so unhappiness could have been prevented had I known what was really happening.

Littlefish · 27/08/2008 07:55

fifibb, I understand perfectly your feelings about your mother now you have a child. It tears me apart too.

Ready4anothersmokedeel · 27/08/2008 08:11

As a parent who is quite aware of how my depression affects my los, I would advise not making a big thing out of it but just being matter of fact, and how it's not their fault. I've started explaining mine to ds [4], as a chemical imbalance, which the tablets correct. he was like 'ok. may I have a biscuit?'

fwiw, i always try to make clear if I'm feeling off it's not their fault.

Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 08:56

I will tell them. I just have to find the right time. They are back to school next week and it is all change for them both so don't want to put anything else on them. We are having a better time this last day. They have played me up but it hasn't been the huge drama it normally is.

I have real issues with my mother and will never speak to her again, but there are still times when I just want a mum. I know she had a rubbish childhood but why couldn't she have done better with me.

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twinsetandpearls · 27/08/2008 09:28

I have told my dd in very simple terms, I told her we lived in hospital together when she was a baby because I was not well and I need to take tablets. DP and I have told her that I get very tired, stressed or upset and that is because I am ill. She has also seen me have to go into hospital when she was older. I have made it clear that it is no ones fault and that sometimes my brain goes funny, she said like when I get cramp I can't walk!

I sometimes worry I have told her too much I have heard her say "I feel stressed" which is one of my lines.

I also worry about her slipping into a carer role even though dp does that, soetimes even at 6 or even 5 she will say to me Mummmy you need to go to bed or in a quiet room or she will come and cuddle me and say Mummy we all love you.

That link is good, I have always felt guilty for the fact I find dd difficult sometimes and need time out, it was helpful to read I am not the only one.

Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 10:45

Maybe I should tell DS1 but not DD. She is very grown up and sensible for her age in some ways though. Posting really helps get this all clear, so I thnak you all again for me baing able to do it.

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woodstock3 · 27/08/2008 11:16

my father had episodes of depression throughout my childhood but it wasnt until i was 18 that i actually found ut (and not by being told directly, either) that that was what it was. like others on this thread i wish i'd known earlier - as far as i was concerned, he was just grumpy and often angry at us for no apparent reason. even as an adult (well in as much as you are at 18) i didn't connect it with depression and it was more baffling because there were long periods when he was well and normal and then periods when he wasn't.
i would say the two little ones are too little to understand but a seven year old can get that sometimes you are sad/angry/withdrawn (however it manifests for you) and it's not their fault, it's because you are poorly. but that the doctor gives you tablets and you are trying to get better etc.
you don't have to use the word depression at this age but i would start doing so when they are maybe early teens (and make sure you explain very carefully so they don't go off googling depression and start picking up references to more frightening things like psychosis or suicide). good luck with whatever you choose to say.

saythatagain · 27/08/2008 16:35

Just like woodstock3 - my father had/has been will with depression since I can remember. As a result I am a an absolute people-pleaser and am naturally very nervy around situations that aren't good (ifyswim). I take ad's (pnd - dd now aged 4) but make it a rule with myself to not allow dd to go sown the same track as me. I'm doing very well with that job given my dd's personality/temperament!
By the way, dd thinks my tablets are vitamins.

BovineBeauty · 27/08/2008 19:51

Hello all.
IMG....PLEASE TELL BOTH OF THEM.
i suffer very bad bi-polar(so the 'experts' label me) and my 4 littlies know. they are 9, 7, and twins of 6.
If you had cancer would you exoplain that you were 'un-well'? Im sure you would so they dont worry and get confused.
simlpe words....mummy gets real sad sometimes cause here head gets sore. its not you at all and remember that its mummys head that makes her shout, not you.........etc.
if they want to care for you thats ok too. they will only do as much as they want to!!
oohhh its sucks, but it is a lot in life and knowledge is always good medicine.
have just growled at dd1 , but reminded her ''it not you, i am not good today''
THANX for sharing your stories of growing up with depression it really helped me to see the other side of the coin an i glad my kids know.
when in hosp after 's' attempts i was not able to look at my beauties. i felt a failure and they would all b beta off without me. when home my 9yr, then only 8, told me she prefer me in bed at home cause she at least knows where i am and she can SEE me.
sorry for babblin but i have had a terrible week, not out od d bed 4 4days. useless.

big hugs.
DO TELL THEM.

BovineBeauty · 27/08/2008 20:00

P.S
i feel there is no 'right time'. just get em together and do it now b4 school as that will be a normal distraction for them.

hugs

Original poster
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 20:08

Thank you for that and so sorry you have had such a difficult time.

DS1 keeps coming down for cuddles and it unnerves me. I told DHhad been shouting and he said DS1 was doing it for reassurance.

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BovineBeauty · 27/08/2008 21:16

theres your window, when she down for cuddles she begging for answers and re-assurance. tell her 1 2 1 to make her feel special and important and reassure her that it is not HER thats being shouted at, he just shouting! (men like sound of their big voices!!).

lots a hugs.x.x.