PND, a baby and a new kitten. Lonely and stressed and needing a rant. :(

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

I was diagnosed with PND 3 or 4 weeks ago. Started taking 20mg citalopram, with a gap of almost a week last week due to a prescription mixup. I have taken a weeks worth since, but I don't feel much better yet. I haven't been having wild moodswings but I still feel despairing and stressed out and on the verge of tears.

We went and got a new kitten last night and I'm worried I've done the wrong thing by getting him right now. I've had cats before, and he's gorgeous but he kept us up all night leaping on the bed and woke my baby from his nap. He's peed in the pushchair and thrown up on the sofa and there were loads of worms in the sick, and because he's got worms whenever we eat anything he climbs up your body and tries to snatch it out of your mouth.

I know the worms are temporary and aren't his fault (going to get some worm treatment in a bit) and the rest of it is all part of being a kitten, but I feel like crying and hope to god it's just teething problems and I haven't made a big mistake.

I missed our old cat who was laid back, self sufficient and no trouble at all, but this teeny mental bundle is nothing like him and I didn't realise he'd be so much more work at a time when I'm barely coping.

Plus ds has pulled the childlocks off the oven and fridge so earlier I had to fish the cat and the baby out of the fridge and mop up spilt milk and wash hands and paws. And that was in the split second it took me to take the nappy to the bin. Aargh.

The house is a mess and I'm running out of space and feel claustrophobic. There seems no way to make this better and I feel like such a fucking failure. No-one's around to talk to at the moment. I seem to make mistake after mistake lately.

Ok, chill The citalopram will take a little while to kick in again I think. I have been on 40mg since the new year and I missed 4 days last week because I ran out (ooops) and it did affect me. I don't know if it was just in my head or not, but I did suffer as a result. But it's ok now and it will be for you too.
I would say give it another three weeks and then if you don't feel any better then go back to the doc and maybe see about an increased dose.
The kitten sounds like a burden at the moment, but I am soooooo jealous! I would happily swap it for my old cat who stinks of wee!!!
Rest assured that you are not making mistake after mistake, you are coping and doing well.

It will get easier as your body adjusts to the tablets, but it's not surprising you feel overwhelmed at the moment- small children and animals have a talent for chaos. In the short term, give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up about not coping. Look at everything you have done instead of focusing on what you haven't.

Thanks, it's just hard at the moment because I thought I'd be feeling better by now, and be able to get this house done. Everywhere I look there's mess, and a baby, and now a kitten, paddling in/chewing on said mess. Gah.

If my ds wasn't constantly climbing at least I could get SOMETHING done. I'm scared it will always be this way, that I'll always be in a huge mess. Can't even get a cleaner because I'm too ashamed of this house.

Could you put DS in one room where he is safe? I have made my lounge all safe for him, with a safety gate at the door. I know I can leave him there for a short time while I do something around the house.

Not really, he climbs the sofa's, and will climb onto the TV unit/windowledge too. As I type he has climbed into his pushchair and is now standing in it. Brb

My DS used to climb everywhere. He's now 22 months and is nowhere near as bed as he used to be. Is there anything that he could REALLY hurt himself on / with? A few falls won't kill him.

He trashes the place, you can't leave anything anywhere, the only thing he doesn't mess with and isn't interested in is his toys. In the past few days he's knocked a plant onto my laptop/the sofa, and water everywhere, then he sprinkled talc everywhere, he's ripped things off the wall and there's dirty handprints everywhere. Trying to tidy up after him feels like shovelling snow in a blizzard. I'm outting his books away and he's standing next to me pulling them out again.

And then my dp comes home and I feel ashamed it's still a mess, but incapable of getting anything done.

Yeah he fell off the sofa onto his head the other day, scraping his face down the fireguard on his way so he had a lovely big grazed face and a bump for when dp got home.

I don't think there's much worse he could do in the livingroom apart form that unless he chewed wires or cut his head open on the one sharp cornered wall we have.

How old is he?
Take out everything like talc, plants etc. I have only recently been able to put a plant in the lounge without it being damaged!
Don't fret about dirty handprints - that's part and parcel of having a kid I'm afraid.
As for grazing his face, well it will heal. My DS constantly has bruises. At the moment he has a rather lovely one on his chin where he tried jumping in bed but fell. It'll heal. It's all part of growing and exploring and learning.
It sounds like you are worrying a little too much about what he does. I don't tidy up after him as he goes along. We do it together (well sometimes I end up doing it on my own with him watching!) before he goes up for a nap and before he has his dinner (which coincides with DP getting home so the room looks halfway tidy when he gets in!).

You have nothing to be ashamed about! You might not feel like you're getting stuff done, but just think about all the things you've mentioned. Imagine how the place would look if you had actually been doing nothing and not running around tidying after him.

If getting a cleaner is an option financially, I'd go for it. Even if you just have them come in once and do a blitz for you rather than committing to a regular schedule. Then won't have to see them again if you're embarassed about the state of the house.

If you feel you can, try to get out of the house. Even a short walk could help your mood- exercise is really good for helping ease depression. Also, if you're in the park/playground, your DS can run of some energy without creating housework for you!

Combust's advice about getting out is great. Although I don't manage to get out every day, when I do, it makes a big difference. Sometimes I just stick DS' wellies on and let him faff around in the garden. He gets all muddy and wet but wears himself out. The when he comes in, I strip him off, change nappy and then he has a lovely nap and I get some time to myself.

I think having nap time sorted is important.

Thanks for your advice. He's 12 months old. I don't think we could afford a one off clean although god knows that's what this house desperately needs. Could probably afford a cleaner to do a couple of hours a week but I'd be scared of getting someone who would look down on me for the state of the house.

To be honest even if they just did the kitchen and bathroom it'd be a huge help as those are things I just can't seem to get done as I have bad eczema on my hands at the moment, I'm allergic to all cleaning products and soap/shampoo/babywipes/babybath and my skin is also irritated by gloves so I'm in a lot of pain with my hands during/after cleaning. This may get better when I get less stressed out, as it has come on with the PND.

I haven't felt like leaving the house for weeks, apart from necessary things like to go to asda, and when we've gone to visit mil etc - I can't face it without dp.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. If you feel it would help you I'd start looking into getting someone in to clean. If it does make you feel uncomfortable then you can always stop them coming, but it's got to be worth a try- the current situation is making you so unhappy. As for gloves, have you tried the vinyl disposeable ones? They're the only ones I don't react to.

If you're feeling brave, why not try setting yourself a small target like taking a short walk- just a loop around the block that'll take you five minutes. I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but even a quick breath of fresh air will help and make it easier for you to get out next time.

It gets easier from 12 months, I think. Or maybe I just stopped worrying so much!

I doubt very much if a cleaner would look down on you - I'm sure they would have seen worse! It sounds like you would benefit from the help (God, I'd love a cleaner too!) so why not go for it, just a couple of hours a week for the kitchen and bathroom. It might just spur you on to do elsewhere.

I know what you mean about leaving the house. I still struggle with it a lot. Try not to worry about that because I think that will sort itself out over time. As long as you are doing the essentials and you ard your son are clean and have eaten, then that's the main thing.

You are doing fine. Things will get better. I know it is hard to believe those statements right now, but keep trying to tell yourself this. Your PND is affected your view of yourself and your parenting. I hope the drugs work soon.

I felt like my world had ended after DS2 and one of the things that really stressed me was the state of the house. Getting a cleaner seemd like too much stress and effort, but in the end I did. She is fantastic and comes in once a week for 2 hours. Like you I mainly wanted the bathroom and kitchen done. It really calmed me down knowing that those things would get done and that it was no longer my worry. For that alone she is worth her weight in gold.

Good luck I am thinking of you.

You guys are great, I really appreciate you taking the time to post, you've really helped lift my mood today. I think I will look into getting a cleaner for a couple of hours until I'm back on my feet. Thanks for all your kind words!

It's no problem at all, JATGB. I know exactly how you are feeling. Keep posting if you'd like