Fear and panic and guilt on top....long, sorry

[ExtraFancy]

Sorry in advance if this rambles, I haven't said any of it to anyone really and have got myself into a bit of a state.

My little boy was 1 last week. I am being treated for PND but STUPIDLY came off the antidepressants I was on, as I didn't think they were making any difference. Started back at work in April, am having regular counselling, my employer (DWP) know about my PND but so far I haven;t had any time off because of it...days off here and there when my baby's been poorly (no family nearby, too scared to leave him at nursery when he is sick) but only one day off sick since April (vomiting bug).

This weekend we had a party for him. I worked so so hard making sure everytihng went OK but something has gone wrong - I went to sleep crying last night gripped with fear that the world is such a terrible place and my baby is going to grow up and have to face it some day. This morning I wokr up and felt like I was just a brain rattling around in a shell, if that makes any sense, I got up, had my shower, got dressed but when I picked my boy up to feed him I just couldn't put him down, I didn;t want to let him go.

I ended up ringing my manager in tears at 7:30am trying to tell her that I wanted to come in but I was in too much of a state. She was understanding but I am so scared, I have holiday booked for the next 2 weeks and I am terrified that they will all think I am pulling a fast one. I love my job and I do well in it, but this is the first time in YEARS (long, long history of depression/anxiety) that I have not been able to force myself out of the house iwth it.

I have made myself a doctors appt for tomorrow, but I feel trapped, I am sitting here drinking wine and I don't even normally drink my poor DH is downstairs, he has tried to talk to me but I am really having to fight the urge to just walk out of the house and not come back. I can't talk, I have tried but nothing comes out. I am just crying instead.

Don't know why I am posting really, I suppose because this is anonymous and it doesn't really matter.

I just want to be happy and well for my little boy

I keep going round in circles thinking about when he was born, I was given pethidine about an hour before delivery and he had a shoulder dystocia so all I really remember is being held down and pushed/pulled on by about 5 people, and screaming my lungs out, proper screaming. I don't remember holding him for the first time, just throwing up and passing out.

I an so sorry you are feeling this way. I am struggling with pnd for the second time, it's so horrible but you will get through it.

Can you talk to your gp? Would you try councelling?

I'll check back shortly.

Thankyou for replying. I'm seeing a counsellor once every couple of weeks but I never seem to get anywhere in the hour that I have with her. Have made GP appt for tomorrow but am so scared she will tell me it's my own fault for coming off of the anti-d's. I feel like I am even making a mess of the help I am offered.

Try not to blame yourself, guilt just makes everything seem so much worse.

Your gp may suggest that you restart your meds, but will not judge you. Most gp's are quite used to dealing with pnd, sadly it is very common.

Have you considered what help you need? ie going back on your meds, or possibly trying a different drug if you feel this one is not working for you?

Thinking about this tonight, and discussing it with your dh if you are able to, may give you a feeling of some control.

Not had counselling for the birth...hardly told anyone, I felt like I should be happy he is safe and well, so don't really talk about birth if anyone asks. Can safely say it was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me but surely everyone says that.

I don't know what I want - all I can think of is getting on a bus/train and running away with the baby in a bundle.