Can I just have a general moan about how I am feeling please? Feel free to join in if you are feeling a bit crap too...!

[MinnieMoan]

OK, so I dont like namechangers, when its just for the sake of it or to be prat without showing yourself.

But, I have namechanged. Because I seem to be moaning a lot. Hence my name, and I don't really want people to just think of me as my name suggests. I am usually a lot happier.

I just need to ramble really, it might go on a bit. Tell me to shut up, get a grip, or come along with your own woes if you think they have a place, if you need to get out your own feelings too. You are welcome to come and advise me, hug me, wallow with me.

It is 9pm. I am half way through my dinner of frozen spaghetti, a mouthful of which I have choken on trying to eat it too quickly. It is cold. The reason it is cold is that I have been to see my beautiful, non-sleeping 2yo dd for the milionth time 'milk!' 'water' 'scosh'! 'poo'd' etc etc, anything to stop sleeping.

I am in on my own. My DH has gone out. For some reason, whenever DH goes out, DD wont sleep, she plays up, yells,cries, sad, angry noises whatever it takes to get my head pounding. I think it is because daddy is going out, so he does not bother making much night time effort, just gets his shit together and goes out Says good night to her, but she sees him go, and spends at least half hour wanting daddy kisses.

I am exhausted. I dont sleep well at the best of times, suffer from insomnia, a legacy of my mother's death last year that still lingers, although I am over the grief stage, if you can ever be (or if I was ever there at all, in the grief stage, never felt like it). These last few weeks I have been more tired than usual, walloped with a virus on top of DH snoring badly, not getting enough sleep, working too much. Took last week off work.

Today, I just feel like I am hanging on by a thread. To reality, to giving a toss. Its very hard to explain. I feel like giving up. But not because I want to give up, but because I want to not try. I dont want to not have what I have, I just dont want to make any more effort for a while.

I want to go to bed, curl up, and sleep, I want my DD to come and jump on me, and pretend to read to me, and be there, but for me to have it all while I sleep. B

To be a good parent, for us to be good parents is important to me, so giving up is not in reality an option, but I sometimes, and more and more recently, feel myself receeeding. Into myself, into a bubble of me, and DH and DD, and the important things around me only. Even my cats have been relegated out of my 'pack' right now, they dont get as much fuss as normal.

I feel like my world as I know it is moving further away from me, I can almost see if going and I dont miss it. And that scares me.

It does not make sense, I am sure. I dont feel like smiling. Mostly, but I could never have DD not seeing me smiling so I smile, and everyone sees me happy, and I think I mostly convince myself I am happy. I wonder if I am convincing myself I am not happy. I feel numb a lot. And I am not really sure why I feel like this.

But it all started when my mum became ill, so its connected somehow I guess, but I cant really see it.

Oh dear, I guess today is not the day to bear my soul .

Ever had any counselling, Minnie?

sweetie, scummy is right, counselling would help you enormously.

as would somehting to stop your dh snoring - CAT me if you're interested

scummy no, not really. One day at CRUSE. complete waste of time for me.

Problem is I see no point in it. Talking to others. I know it, its my job. I am run groups teaching cognitive behavioural techniques. I apply it all to myself, where I can, and to be honest, I personally feel right now, even the stuff I teach is sometimes not all it is cracked up to be.

I think, I am just struggling to identify what is wrong. I don't feel like anything is wrong. But I know it is. Does that make sense? I feel things slipping, or perhaps more can sense them slipping. But it does not feel real. It does not feel now.

Sort of feels like there are two me's. One, the me I am, have always been, then another one, some-one else who is me but not, and different in a way I am not sure of.

Oh it does not make sense, even as I read it back, I sound barking! But I don't feel mad. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel sad, I don't really feel very much a lot of the time.

Apart from an immense and sometimes overwhelming sense of love and protection for my DD, where I want to scope her up and kiss her all over and laugh and cuddle and have fun forever, and sometimes like this about DH but not as often, but other people, whatever, my work, whatever, the house, whatever.

ibundle thank you . DH won't ever stop snoring, its my fault as I am light sleeper!

I do think it is quite probably sleep related though, all this odd feeling.

It does feel surreal, and like I am drifting along - in a perpetual haze of sleep depravation I guess

What do you do when you can't sleep?

Sometimes I lie there tossing and turning and getting myself wound up, sometimes, more often than not nowadays I get up and read, or have a bath, or do some chores. For a few mins then collapse as so tired! Today, I got up and went into work early

Hey Minnie, feel like I'm repeating myself, as I posted something on a similar topic, but it sounds to me like you are just completely shattered and need some 'me' time. I am a lone parent of a very 'spirited' 2yo dd and whilst my life feels like it has so much purpose since she arrived, 2 yrs in, and I am shattered and a little de-motivated. I am sure every phase of having kids has its challenges, but I am finding this stage harder than the months previous. Not sure if its to do with the changes and development challenges that our 2yr dd are going thorugh or whether its just the lack of sleep for the last two yrs!! (more if you count lack of sleep through pregnancy!)I had couselling before I fell pregnant as I sufferred from depression and often had that 'give up' feeling altough would never have truely left! Although I never thought I needed it as like you I used cognitive behaviour tactics all the time, it was a benefit! That said, maybe you simply need some time out. Any way you could go away for two nights with DH or girlfriends and try to have some breathing space? I also think this has a lot to do with your Mum's illness and passing. It makes you realise how immortal you are and brings questions of 'what is it all about?!' Go easy on yourself hun and make some 'you' time!!!! x

scummy its a bit quiet isn't it? The day to out my feelings was not today.

Am going to go and have a much desired, probably not needed, and sneaky cigerrette (I quit a lont time ago, sort of!)

minnie, it is NOT your fault even if you are a light sleeper

it costs a bit but my dh has recently been to see an expert in orthodontics who's helped him. do CAT me

minnie you are lavishing stuff (love, feelings, excuses) on other people which YOU deserve

it's hard to see what you need even if it's an area which you are skilled in

i went to see a counsellor after lots of stuff happened to me (my dad died, etc) and it felt like a huge relief (if a bit self-indulgent)

sleep advice here

Maybe a nice holiday would help, if counselling doesn't appeal?

pickle - sorry x-post!

There is no-one to look after DD, it took a lot of wrangling and my friend feeling guilty that she had not offered before the actual day of my birthday to get a baby sitter for us to go out for a quick meal!

I suppose that does not help. My family are miles away, DHs family are on another continent. I am not really that interested in my friends right now. Its a long story, again links into my mother passing. I felt it showed many people's true colours, and I think that part of me can't get over my likely to be percieved lack of support. I dont intentionally think that way, but having tried to analysise myself, I think that my anger stage of grief coincided with the point at which my friends did not know what to do so they did the proverbial 'walk across to the other side of the street' I can see that now, but think the timing was so off, it has sort of created a space there now.

you need to find out if he's suffering from sleep apnoea (literally stopping breathing many times durign night) or simple snoring - there are solutions for both.

re: bereavement - lots of people literally cross the road, they're embarrassed and don't know what to say. I really value the friends who talked to me about my dad/my feelings even though it was upsetting for us both. I've a lovely friend in California who wrote to me out of the blue the other day - about how the feelings are still there even if no one brings it up any more. i'm going to knit her a lovely scarf to show her how much i appreciate her.

scummy - good site!

It reminded me of this time last year. Dr gave me amiltriptiline (excuse spelling), it was a Dr I dont usually see. He said to me that I was suffering from a sleep disorder associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He said that my brain had been overloaded with many many things (both parents died, one traumatic, the other not close so not really traumatic, had a baby, getting married, went back to work, had work issues) that although emotionally I felt fine (as I do now) my sleep was suffering which is a common sympton. He said it was different to depression, and he felt sure I was not depressed but suffering from this.

He said that I was waking prior to my REM sleep starting, and that as such I was having my dream state awake (at the time I was anxious when I woke, I would fret about everything, more than now) which is why I was not sleeping. He gave me a mild dose of the amiltriptylne to kick start the sleep phase.

The thing is, I was getting married, and I could not drink alcohol, so I only took it for two weeks, it did not do much fore me in that time.

And, I know its really ignorant of me, lacking in insight etc, but when he said I had a version of PTSD, I sort of scoffed...not me, seriously, I don't have that!

And I still think that. I have not experienced anything more traumatic than most people experience, less than many many people.

And, if this is what it is, why now? After a year of it being ok?

ibundle - my best friend She was present as DDs birth to support me and DH as my mum was too ill to be there as planned. She wrote a diary of it as she was there, and she wrote it in a card which she gave to DD for her memory box, and she gave her one of her own favourite paintings that she had as a child.

she used to ask me, as mum was ill, how I felt. She was the one who would hold my hand and talk to me about her dying, she was a nurse and she not sugar coat things, she knew I would know if she did. She called me up on the day, and all she said was 'I am sorry, I love you'.

You are right though. Now, its over a year. Plenty of time to get over it. People come back out of the woodwork a while after, when its ok not to mention it.

I will CAT you ibundle - when I get my sub sorted again!

Oh and DH does have sleep apnea, and iknow it is easily cured, he wont have any of it. He gets quite defensive about it (which means I think he knows really too).

I have explained it all, have been gentle and suggested, left websites up, and also told him outright that if he did not sort it he could die and he was being irresponsible! No good to either!

you're right minnie, it has huge implications for his health, not just your physical/mental wellbeing. and he can't be feeling too chipper during the day if he's losing so much sleep...

i'm glad to hear about your friend's support. but don't think that a year is time to "get over it" - far from it. sadness sometimes hits me when i least expect it. the frequency does reduce admittedly, but losing a parent - or anyone - is a Big Deal and you only learn to live with it, not forget those feelings or that person.