I feel out of control

[lucyellensmum]

I don't really know what to post really, but just wanted to talk to someone. I don't want to go into details because people just tell me to buck my ideas up or i am a burden. All true, but i just want someone to tell me its going to be OK. I can't focus on anything, i stupidly invited one of DDs friends around for lunch tomorrow. Now i am running around like a headless chicken trying to clean my house. I'm so ashamed of it, but i can't keep not inviting people around else they wont be inviting me round and DD will suffer.

So, i am almost running from one room to the nect but im getting nowhere fast, DD is whining and whinging (No TV to keep her occupied - we have new one but DP been too busy to install it and bring it in from car (too heavy for one person)). So its ten steps forward 30 back today. Ive taken extra stress tablets but nothing working. I just feel like i swimming in a big pool of shit.

Why do i keep feeling like this?

OK. fisrt things first. HAve you got an alarm clock? Set it for 10 mins and do 10 mins in one room. When the alarm goes off, stop and move onto another room. etc.
Whole house doesn't have to be tidy, just concentrate on hotspots...
How old is dd. Can she 'help' you? (give her a duster)
Do you know the family you are inviting around well enough to say : ''I really want you to come, but please excuse the state of things, I have been having a hard time lately and have been unwell.''

you feel like this because you are depressed, and I know from reading other posts from you in the past that you want to get better and you will. But these things take time.

Firstly sit and and take a few breaths.

Children will never notice if the house is clean or not. Can dd help you tidy up. My dd loves doing that, she had a go at hoovering her bedroom this morning. Its 4.30 so is your dd whining because she's tired and hungry - how about a little snack and a sit down together with a book?

I actually find it easier when the dd's have friends over as they entertain each other and I can get on with stuff.

If all else fails tomorrow is always another day and you can start again then being positive.

njm, i am on citalopram and busparidone (sp) for anxiety. I am very up and down. I sometimes feel really positive and feel i can stop taking the tablets but then something will happen, often trivial and im in a state. This happened today, DP came in and said he had screwed something up at work so i automatially go into panic mode. Feel sick, the works - when he went i took a buspirone and i do feel better now, but very sleepy . I hate being like this i really do.

My friend has been on and off of ADs all her life so hopefully she will understand. She is currently managing without them as she wants to try for a second child so i don't want to dump on her really. But she does understand. Trouble is, her house is always lovely and clean and tidy - mine on the other hand is in a terrible state. It is in a state of disrepair and needs so much doing to it. We have NO storage so stuff is everywhere - DD still in our room because her room is in such a state .
I did give up though, sat and did some puzzles with DD, just about to cook dinner, just feel deflated that i had a "turn" again.

I DESPERATELY want to be normal again, but i really don't know what that is. I know for a fact that my sex life is going to pot, is it the tablets or is it the sex? Poor DP will have to look elsewhere at this rate. If you know me you would understand why this is such a preposterous statement - my friends think im a nympho.

I feel like i am on a sick and twisted merry go round that i can't get off

I have got to get ready for work now but just wanted to say lucyellensmum - you always have nice things to say on other peoples threads and give good advice I just think you should give yourself a break.

LEM
This will be ok. How old is DD and DD's friend. are they really going to notice some things that need doing in the house or are they actually going to play and have fun?

I told dh the other week that I would understand if he wanted to arrange a prostitute as I wasn't up for it

You will feel normal again, not today or tomorrow but one day and then for the rest of your life

Tomorrow will be fine.

i just can't do this anymore I tried to make a start on dinner but DD has annhialated the back room now, i must have put her paper away twenty times today. I just want to curl up and shut my eyes

i just can't do this anymore I tried to make a start on dinner but DD has annhialated the back room now, i must have put her paper away twenty times today. I just want to curl up and shut my eyes

the toddler wont notice, but her mum will

what if she sees the state of my house and doesn't want her DD to play with mine anymore

i am useless really, i didn't want to let DD2 down the way i did with DD1 but history is repeating itself. I hate myself so much today

getting desperate now, have asked DP to come home three times now, he keeps saying he will be ten minutes ago - that was at 6.17 Everything rushing past my head its all going mad, too fast

You need to take some deep breaths and calm down
Can you just text your friend and apologise in advance for the mess? You will probably reassure you that she doesn't care.

STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

Why should your abilies as a mother or a woman be judged by how tidy your home is! And any woman that stopped her daughter playing with yours because of your scale on the tidyometer is not a real woman and you'd be well rid of them!

I know I worry about these things too - do what you can and the rest can wait. You may feel differently after a rest. Could dp have a tidy up later?

its not just the house, its everything. DP is actually being really awful to me tonight, he is stressed today to, which is why i had the panic attack earlier. No reason of my own. But just found DD really hard work today and i do wonder if they would be better if i were to just walk away

agree with other posters LEM, you are so hard on yourself.

You obviously care so much and want the absolute best for your children.

It sounds to me as if you're a real perfectionist. Believe me I have felt that 'just walk away and everything will be better' feeling.

I don't know what to say, there are no pat solutions, am going through the 'big pool of shit' thing myself. Just know that you are doing exceptionally well.xx

njm, thanks i do feel better no, i am really angry with DP just now though, he said some really hurtful stuff tonight and im sick of this merry go round. I know it was my own fault as in, i was the one in a stress, and yes i have been all day - just felt uptight all day. But all i wanted was a cuddle, NOT what i got so am and really.

I texted my friend and she is not coming until 1 so that gives me some time in the morning to blitz the house and get some food in. I hate being rushed though. DP just made it worse tonight by letting DD pull out just about every toy she has, ive still to go and put it all away - he is doing bedtime and my betting is he will sulk upstairs now. No TV, no talk, great.

njm, if i were to email you, you would still be reading tomorrow, but thanks anyway, it means a lot.

can you ask for a cuddle?

I shouldnt have to ask really though, should i? I was obviously upset - in tears, does he want me to beg.

Actually i have come to a frightening decision. DP was indeed laying on the bed upstairs after DD asleep. I have asked him to come down. I am going to, without shouting or screaming, ask him if he doesnt feel that maybe we might be better going our separate ways as this is just getting ridiculous now. It is like we are using each other as emotional punchbags and i am really scared that i am going to crack up. I just can't bear all of this, with the man i love and i do love him deeply, but i am starting to wonder if maybe we would be better apart. Not because i want that, iyswim, but because actually, i think it is HIM that wants it. Every time we argue he says it and then retracts it. So the thing to do is, calmly ask if that is what he wants.

So, i may well be posting tomorrow asking what the hell to do now i am a single mother

Thinking of you petal.

I hope your dp is just sounding off in what he says - and I hope that you bringing it up will make him think what it is like to be on the receiving end......I hope it has a positive outcome. XXXX

last night was "interesting" to say the least. Poor DP, he doesn't need my shit right now. I can't help it - i'm not well, i can see that when im being rational. He has agreed to come to the doctors with me, although he was totally and devestated when i said i was actually considering pushing for an admission. I dont think he could cope tbh.

We made it up, and ended up having the most amazing sex we have had for a long long time. But now i have a love bite i'm 37 years old and looking for a high neck blouse!!!!

Im going to stop posting, i can't do it anymore - im getting lots of support but i think it makes me brood on things.

what a difference a day (and a good seeing too) makes DP has a job, he starts on monday, still self employed but if all goes well an 18 month run of work (Thank God in HEaven). I am going to do some cleaning when DD starts school, see where that takes me, i might even start a cleaning company if it works out. Where there's muck,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so a more positive LEM tonight.

Glad things are looking brighter.

It all sounds great.