Getting help for myself after partners mental health diagnosis.

[Alwaysstressed12]

Hi all, i have previously posted in relationships and chat regarding my partners mental health. Things have gradually spiralled and I had to suggest separating unless he got help from our GP. He did. He has been signed off work for at least four weeks, most likely longer. So far, it's recorded as work related stress, but he seems to meet symptoms of both depression and burnout.

Currently, we are at the beginning of week two following being signed off and speaking to his GP. Things are much better. He's calmer, hasn't been nasty to me at all, has said in several occasions this nearly cost me my marriage and is mainly resting, watching TV and playing an online game quite alot. He does seem more himself, but equally distracted. From reading online all this is entirely normal. It is very early days in his potential recovery and advice says not to push too hard to get answers. He isn't medicated. He has details for counselling, but isn't keen on talking therapy or anything like that. He is happy to speak with his union, management and occ health to discuss ways to improve his workload. He also has solutions to put to management. He works in a very toxic environment. It's a job he once loved.

The thing is, I'm the talker in the relationship. I need to understand where the awful behaviour came from. He was so nasty to me at times and blamed me for everything. The slightest thing would cause him to be horrible. Totally not like him.

My question is for those who have supported a partner through something similar. Did you seek support for yourself? Personally, I still feel anxious about the entire situation, although I can now eat and sleep better. I feel really unsettled and sick all the time. Is it reasonable to speak with my GP or am I wasting mine and their time? I don't need or want signed off work. I do tend to be a catasrophizer and think into the future, and worry what if we can't get past this. I have told him this and he says everything will be OK.

For context, we have been together for over 20 years, with two children. Financially we are fine and have had very few difficulties in our relationship until the last six months.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

Sounds like it’s stress off his toxic workplace.

Agree. Chronic long term stress.

Right so you do understand where the behaviours have come from. Once he’s had a rest, I would suggest him looking for a new job and stay signed off till he does.

If you can afford it you can get counselling privately with no need for a referral.

depending on how anxious you are generally you could self refer to IAPT however I expect they have long waits (nhs).

I agree it’s clear where his behaviour came from.

Oh. IAPT seems to have been renamed.

https://www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/nhs-talking-therapies/

Yes, his work has been a source of constant stress. At the turn of the year things just got out of control and the stress has increased. His behaviour has aligned with the increase in stress. I tried on several occasions to get him to seek help, but he refused, until I said we need to separate as where we were was helping no one.

I'm very much a person who needs to be informed, so have been reading lots about depression and burnout. Although signed off work and things have settled, he's just sitting on the sofa playing his game and watching TV. From online sources, this is normal behavior for the first month and I should give him grace here. It just doesn't seem particularly healthy to sit around all day.

He has some very simple solutions to resolve the issues in his work, but he needs to speak with management and his union first. I suppose he needs rest first, then to build resilience and energy to have these conversations.

I need to understand where the awful behaviour came from. He was so nasty to me at times and blamed me for everything. The slightest thing would cause him to be horrible. Totally not like him.

I think the most useful thing to realise is that it wasn't him, and that he wasn't being nasty to you, he was being nasty because of the turmoil that was going on inside his head. When we are trying to deal with thoughts and feelings that are distressing and disorientating we are desperate to find a cause, if we can't figure out the reason we lash out at those closest to us, simply because they are there.

I do tend to be a catasrophizer and think into the future, and worry what if we can't get past this.

As per PP it might be a good idea to have some therapy yourself so that you can be more balanced in your own thoughts.

Thank you. My friend has said the same thing that it wasn't him. He obviously felt like he was drowning and was angry at work, even though he had asked for help. He had made it clear he needed help, but none came. I just find this all very hard as me and the kids have been the one constant in his life, the one thing he never had to question, but he took it out on us, mainly me. From my research, it might be something I need to decide to accept that I might never get an answer.

I plan to speak with my GP, as suggested by a friend.

If you have an employee assistance programme at work then I’d use that. I’ve found ours quite useful, mostly just to vent and get things off my chest.

I would reiterate referring yourself to talking therapies. I have had this for 2 years and it has caused me stress related physical health problems ( IBS, migraines). I am now separated as the pressure just became too much on me and the children. I have got the kids to go to a group activity run by a local youth MH charity, as they don't want 1-1 therapy because they don't feel they need it, but I think they may do in the future as this has been horrific for all of us. Also there are carers groups you can join ( carers UK) if you just want to vent. If I could go back in time, I would force the therapy issue. Your situation may be different though if it is situational stress related depression it may resolve itself if he has a break and changes to a less stressful job. That didn't work on my case because the job was never the issue.

I do have something like this in work. I was thinking to refer myself.

I'm so sorry you have gone through this.

I can say this situation had been caused my several factors in work. I am hoping that a break and being honest with his management will help resolve the situation. He does have some solutions - reducing hours, agreeing to less work being put on him and delegating it to staff and simply, if the task fails it fails. He also has a union he is going to contact.

OP, when you say he was nasty to you, what do you actually mean? In your shoes I could get my head round him being moody etc. But if it went further and he was making your life a misery, well I wouldn't be so quick to just put it down to workplace stress and think we get back to normal.

It's so difficult to support someone with mental health issues when it often comes out as nastiness towards you..

It wasn't him but the illness that was awful to you. When he recovers he will come back.

I have been there and i understand how horrific it is. Be very very kind to yourself and let anyone who offers look after you. You matter too.

Stress causes people to go into fight or flight mode, plus it shortens fuses and depletes patience. I’d have thought that was pretty well-known.

Hes been signed off with stress (which unfortunately is v common an happens to lots of people), he’s appropriately off work for a bit, he’s got a plan for tackling it.

Hurt feelings about when he was acting text-book stressed probably aren’t helpful to hang onto, and I’d urge you not to describe this and frame this in your mind as being a ‘mental health diagnosis’. He’s not got a MH diagnosis - he’s had an understandable stress reaction that the human mind is primed to have when under intolerable stress. It’s a work issue, not a mental illness diagnosis issue. By which I mean: this is a reaction, not a syndrome.

Things will look a lot better once he’s had a break and either a change to his workload or a new job. Please try not to over-fret and over-analyse his behaviours during his time off sick. Just let him be, and he’ll come right.

He would flip like a switch over the simplest of things. Such as i forgot something on a day out and he swore at me, looked at me with utter distain and huffed back home to get it. Anytime I tried to raise my concerns he would flip out, swear, find any reason to deflect and put the blame onto me. So often it never made any sense some of the things he was blaming me for. He has said he understands now when I was raising things and he was reacting his brain couldn't understand at the time, but he does now.

Thank you. This is a very sensible way to look at things. He's so far been signed off with work related stress, so no diagnosis yet. He does tick lots of symptoms for depression and burnout, but no diagnosis and it is still early days.

We do and are thinking about potential solutions to what has happened, but we need to do it at an appropriate time. I think for now, he needs rest.

Did this just come out of nowhere or have you seen glimmers of this before? Do you trust that he is genuinely remorseful for how this has made you feel? It sounds really tough and I, like you, couldn't really relax around someone who has treated me like this.

He’s been signed off as he is suffering from stress. You’ve described textbook stress symptoms too. My point earlier was that your thread is entitled ‘how to get help for myself after partners MH diagnosis’ - and my point is: he’s not received a diagnosis as such. He’s been granted time off work due to experiencing stress at work. This is very distinct to having ‘received a diagnosis’ (ie: having found out he has a long-term disorder of the mind).

He is stressed. Kindly, over-pathologising it, over-analysing his reactions whilst he was stressed, and over-emphasising that he ‘has a diagnosis’ for which you need help to support him with may be the opposite of what the situation needs right now.

’Burnout’ is not a condition / diagnosis. It is a colloquialism in online parlance to signify the condition of being under intolerable stress from external factors.

Its impossible to say at present whether he has a clinically depressed mood. He’s bound to not be feeling chipper, given the toll of his work related stress, and now being at home & probably feeling negative things about himself. But that doesn’t = clinical depression.

I think we need to move away from the over-pathologising and over-diagnosing of understandable reactions to too much stress / too many demands on us in society & stressful jobs. Him no longer being able to tolerate it doesn’t equal depression or a quasi-diagnosis of ‘burnout’ and the treatment for ‘burnout’ is the same as for the more traditional term of ‘stress’: rest, lifestyle changes, regular exercise, good self-care, sleep, small steps, grading-up his activities etc.

It might be helpful to gain advice and guidance from the excellent Mind website.

It all started when things in his work got really bad at the turn of the year. I think he is genuinely remorseful, as he keeps saying my work almost cost me everything. I get times when I think back to a certain argument and think how the hell did is go from raising something out of genuine concern to a particular thing being my fault, but the thing that was my fault was nothing to do with the issue i had originally raised with him. When he reacted it was like he was out of control and would pace about like a caged animal. It was totally out of character for him, and at times frightening.

Thank you. All very valid points.

You are correct that the title of my thread is misleading. You are correct that he doesn't have an MH diagnosis.

And yes, burnout is not clinically recognised and has the same treatment for stress.

Thanks for your reply.

I don't think you're wasting your GP's time at all. Supporting someone through a mental health crisis can be emotionally exhausting, especially when you've also been hurt by their behaviour. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot on your own. Looking after yourself too is important, so getting some support or reassurance for your own anxiety is completely valid.

Thank you. It's been a difficult couple of weeks, but I think we are starting to see some progress. However, I'm going to speak to my GP next week as I haven't been eating or sleeping properly. I'm full of feeling anxious and feel nauseous all the time.