Sad lonely mum

[Lulu1993]

Just looking for some advice really.

I have a 2.5 year old, on the outside I think i look like I have it all together. I had a very easy baby and postpartum experience and just breezed through the baby period. But now she is older I am finding it difficult. No one checks in on me anymore because I had an easy baby period so why would they?

I dont necessarily find my daughter difficult, I have a close bond with her and I love being around her. But theres the usual toddler challenges like tantrums ruining days out etc. My main thing I find hard at the moment is bed time. I lay on the bed with her until she falls asleep and it often takes 1-2 hours. She refuses my husband so I end up doing it 99% of the time. I've started resenting and hating bedtime it really gets me down. I feel like it ends my day on a negative every fucking day and I hate it. I do realise this is a small part of our day, but its hard to not hate it and feel resentful when it always falls on me.

Another issue i have is im very lonely. I have no mum friends. I'm 33 but none of my friends have babies yet. I have made friends with another mum at the nursery but its early days. I really enjoy seeing her though, I'm almost embarrassed to admit it but I just get so much enjoyment out of seeing this stranger because shes in the same era of life as I am. I almost feel 'desperate' for a mum friend.

Ive been trying to find local community groups but the main issue is i work full time and most groups are weekdays. There is 1 place that is open on weekends but we often have plans so I am going to try and go but I definitely can't go every week, which means I'm less likely to build up any friendships there.

I just dont know what to do. I feel so alone, so isolated, I feel like no one understands what I'm going through because I have no one to talk to. I think this is why I'm making this post. I just want to connect with other mums. Does anyone have advice please?? Whether its how/when you made mum friends or even if theres online chat groups etc? I'm very desperate at this point.

My children are in their 20's but I felt similar to you when they were younger. I also worked and never really felt I made friends.

I found my support online- it was a website called Bad Mother's club- it no longer exists but online support really helped me.

I don't think you need to be embarrassed about making a new friend, it is lovely to have someone going through the same stage.

I still see two friends that I met at a post natal group- we had little in common apart from children the same age but we still meet up occasionally 20 years on.

It's a tough stage, I am not sure how helpful this has been, but wanted to say you are not alone feeling as you do.

What is your relationship with your husband like?
He is someone for you to talk to!
I know it's not the same as mum friends, but I just guess that you love your husband and like to spend time with him?

Can you leave the house and let your husband handle bedtime with your daughter every other night? She will get used to it, and it will give you a break.

I wish you all the best!

In your situation (working full time) you should forget about making "mum friends" and just focus on the usual stuff people do to connect with others in their area - am dram groups, book groups, local choir, meetup groups etc. Highly likely that many women at those groups have children too. You're at work all day so not likely to meet SAH mums, so shift your focus. I started my own meetup group 8 years ago as the ones I tried out weren't a good fit for me. It's been great for me and I've made some lovely friends.

Also, can you meet up with your friends, even if they don't have children?
I'm sure they would love to see you! And even if they are not parents themselves, they can still be supportive.
And you can talk about other things that you have in common.

Perhaps your husband have some friends with children?

Thanks both.

I play tennis one evening a week and it is during bedtime. Its easier for my husband when I am out of the house but honestly 80% of the time I come home and shes awake, I have to finish off the bedtime. Its very frustrating.

I do rant to my husband sometimes, and he fully understands the difficulties with bedtime. He also hates doing it, there was a period about a year ago where we rotated nights so he fully understands what its like. It all got put onto me after his family stayed with us for 2 weeks and bedtime routine got switched up. We have never recovered!

I do agree i need to just get myself out there more in my community and honestly would love to meet non-mum friends too. I think i just need to socialise more but its feels hard when ive got a little one. If I done an activity that didn't involve her then that means sacrificing time with her. I already do tennis once a week like I said, and I work full time, and occasionally I see friends but not that often. Idk I just feel like how do i even have the time to meet people but maybe thats a me problem and I need to prioritise it because it will improve my mental health.

My husband does have friends with kids but they all live in other counties. We see them about twice a year. Its LOVELY seeing them i just crave it so much more after.
Our other friends are all planning kids soon but probably got 1-3 years until anyone has a baby. I am massively looking forward to it!
Thanks all for your comments though, I really appreciate it xx

Thanks. Badmothersclub sounds like my ideal online group 😂

My mum met friends when she took me to play groups when I was a toddler and she is still best friends with these women. Their families were a big part of my childhood. We went on holidays together, celebrated NYE together etc. I guess I also saw that and really thought i would have the same, not realising that was special and not the norm.

I think after posting this I've had motivation to just try more, whether thats with nursery mums (theres 1 I want to reach out to, I'm going to bite the bullet and just do it) and just try and go to more community activities and hope overtime it works out. Worst case scenario I have a 2nd baby and my friends start having their 1st and hopefully it all falls into place. It is lonely in the meantime though 🥺