Why can I not stop yelling 😭

[NeuroSpiceyMummy]

I feel like the worst mum in the world. Not the mum I want to be at all - or ever envisioned l would be. I want to be calm, patient and fun. But I am none of those things, I cannot help it, the rage just takes over and I scream and shout so much the guilt is consuming me. I am exhausted and I hate myself. i love my children so much, I never want anything or anyone to hurt them, but I can’t help but worry I am causing them emotional damage without even wanting to 😭 I have always been a calm and patient, people pleasing person but since becoming a mum the patience is completely gone, I become overwhelmed and overstimulated so much, so quickly. I count down the minutes until they are in bed until I can just be alone, quiet and not be touched. I am awaiting a referral for Autism and hope I gain some perspective and support through this.

Dear OP,

I have been in a similar situation myself when I was younger and I had 4 children under 6 and with a partner that worked full time with travelling to work. I was overstretched and (probably) also with undiagnosed autism (I will get an assessment later this year). I was so full of rage and sadness and completely overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do, and this overwhelmed feeling came out as shouting, lots of times out and feeling awful. I took them to the supermarket once and they were literally rolling melons down the aisle and I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.

The worst part was my trigger, and I didn’t realise this was an autism trait until I was older. I used to fall apart if I had an aim for the day and it was cancelled or didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. For instance, I would plan to go for a walk around the lakes, but with small children I had to change nappies, feed them, feed me, change them, chase them to put on clothes and shoes. Sometimes it took so long that by the time I was done it was lunch time! I had a few times where I fell apart at the door, crying and realising it was lunch time and then nap time, and it was too late. It was horrible. This would lead me to a depressive spiral for the rest of the day.

Add on the other problems - feeling overwhelmed trying to talk to other mums in baby groups, trying to tidy a house with children trashing it behind you. Not being able to keep to plans because it was hard to leave. The noise, the smell of nappies and wee, no personal space and no time to yourself to re-balance (even on the toilet).

I am older and over the worst bit, but still remember the struggle. It is a good idea to take each of your triggers and pinpoint what it is that is making you so overwhelmed, and find a way around them (if you can).

Maybe it was just me, but being a parent with autism (also ADHD with me) is bloody hard. When you are struggling, and you sound like you are, you have to think about your children and ask for help. Do you have any family or friends to talk to? I have always been awful asking for help, and in the end I was depressed for years.

Good luck OP, I hope this helped.