In a dark place can’t get out

[potterface29]

Cant see myself getting better. I spend most of my day in fight or flight. This all happened about a month ago when I came of venafalaxine due to some weird side effects (breast pain and rage.)

now I’m stuck in a horrible cycle of dark depression and severe anxiety. I’ve had the home treatment team involved again recently but just been discharged and feel like I have been discharged without a clear plan or what comes next.

i know I need therapy because it’s affecting my ability to eat. I’m struggling to eat day to day but can manage water ok. But I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past three weeks.

I see a private psychiatrist who has put me on a different med alongside mirtazpine which I’ve been taking for over a year. The new medication (Clomipramine) has made everything worse at the moment so has given me diazepam which I am taking purley because I’m so distressed all the time. It’s given me a tiny bit of headspace, but I’m still anxious and worried. This all links back to a long standing fear of being sick.

I have two kids who need me but right now I feel like a burden more than a parent. The suicidal thoughts are so strong some days. It’s gotten close a couple of times in the past week where I’ve almost done something.

If anyone reads this thank you.

I have read this. And I understand. It can be really hard to change meds and to find a combo that works. Have you got strategies to use when those thoughts come?

I was told by a therapist that 80% of what we fixate on doesnt come to fruition.
I know it's hard to get off that rollercoaster of anxiety.
Once one condrum is finally solved the brain says well here's another to be getting on with.
Try and let you're children be the guiding light for now as they do need their mum.💐

I'm here too. I know when it's bad, it's almost physically painful. Do you have any family near by who can help? Or friends?

When I have been in a really bad place I have just taken things minute by minute, then hour by hour and then day by day…. I have persevered with meds and 6 weeks in I find that I’m not spiralling and my brain seems to know when I’m going down and brings me back to the present. Hated the side effects but most have gone now and I do think the meds are helping me.
I know it’s hard and over the winter I did think of ending things but not now xx

Are you on Facebook? Come and join us on the Emetophobia NO PANIC (Recovery Group). I am not recovered and I don’t think I ever will be fully, but I am doing better than I was in the past. People on that group are so helpful, but it’s not like other groups as they don’t allow reassurance seeking type posts.

Its the worst fear ☹️

My partner is an Emetophobe who suffers chronic anxiety, and she finds Propanolol helps when it's really bad. Might be something to discuss with your doctors next time, because it's not quite as nasty as Benzodiazepines.

I have a very supportive husband and close family nearby but not much physical help with the kids. I’m scared of the impact I have on them, seeing their mum crying all the time and scared can’t be good for them. Does anyone know whether social services may be able to help? I’m always terrified of social services because I feel like they will take my children away from me which would break me but I need more help than I am currently getting on the NHS

Is it possible that the breast pain and rage might be hormonal? As you mention it was a month ago I'm wondering if there's a hormonal cyclical element making things worse? It's also horribly hot at the moment if you're in the UK which doesn't help. All that is to say be kind to yourself. If you can switch off or find any tiny thing that brings you joy - even just looking around from where you are now, is there something that associates with a positive memory for you? I find that can help just to disrupt the patterns in my brain sometimes.

I ran out of meds 3 days ago so my head currently feels like it's in a bumper car. Need to go to the pharmacy but it's difficult to muster up the strength.

Take care OP, you are a worthy and valuable human.

Thank you. I am literally taking life minute by minute but it is still a struggle. I just keep getting these horrible intrusive thoughts like driving my car into a wall or jumping in front of an oncoming train. It’s not that I want to die, but it’s that I just can’t keep suffering the way I am. I think I’m broken even with diazepam in my body I’m still having overwhelming thoughts and feelings like I can’t cope.
my anti depressant (Clomipramine) probably still isn’t fully in my system yet. I was scared of the side effects so did it gradually, which I’m now regretting because I haven’t been on therapeutic dose for long enough.

There is definitely a hormonal element to it, but since coming off it the breast pain has massively reduced. It was the kind of pain where you feel like the wind blew past and they hurt. Which wasn’t ideal with two small children who very much need cuddles. I did mention to a gp about hormonal element of my mental health but they didn’t seem bothered other than doing one blood test which showed normal levels.