Hi as you can see from my (changed) username, I have concocted what could be a spectacularly bad situation, but I'm stuck with it until July 2027 as per the agreement with my husband who I am separated from.
Basically he had a breakdown 2 years ago and has not really properly engaged in treatment ( kept coming off his meds/ failing to attend therapy etc). Whenever I spoke to him about why, he ignored it and kept going on about how there was no food in the house, how 'we' (even though I was doing all the food buying and lunches) weren't feeding the kids properly and the house was chaotic. DS1 is 18 and DS2 is 15. They have been making their own packed lunch and a meal every month or so since they were in year 7. As a result we are separated and living in the same house as carer and carer. Every time he says there is no food etc I say ' This is my responsibility, you feed yourself/ you clean your own space'. I send him a list of things he has to do daily and weekly for the master bedroom and en suite where he now lives. My issue is that the catalyst for this was that the DC were in turn angry with him and withdrawing from him. I feel another thing he is going to have to do is to engage again with the kids, as I feel the longer this goes on the worse their relationship is going to be. What I want to know is what should I do re the kids? We currently eat together but it's basically the 3 of us chatting and him sitting there. He had to cook them dinner once and made them boiled fish and green beans ( boiled in the same pan!) He knows how to cook. I feel he's doing things just to prove how incapable he is. I am going to be working one evening a week from August so he is going to have to cook. I want him to engage with them. I basically want to get to the stage where we can co parent. I don't want to force them to do something, but on the other hand, if he actually does make an effort I don't want that to be rebuffed. DS1 does talk to him and ask him things but DS2 has basically completely withdrawn. He was OK up until this last time H came off the meds and then completely shut down. He still talks and jokes with me but he's the one I'm mostly concerned about re his dad. I also have never experienced what it is like to have this kind of depression so don't know if what I'm doing is correct or not or whether it will work or not. I've said I will stay until July 2027 and DS2 has done his GCSES so he has a year to get to the stage where he can competently live on his own. I bought him a CBT workbook and DS1 said he noticed a difference when he did it but that lasted 2 days. I know not my problem etc but my DC's MH is my problem and I feel being estranged from their father will not in the long term help them.