Really struggling to get over failed relationship

[TheThingOnTheIce]

So first off. Not diagnosed but I’d put every penny I have on being ND.
I am stuck in a thought loop about my ex.
i’m 43 and divorced and my divorce didn’t cause me anywhere near this turmoil

I walked out of my boyfriend’s house in October last year and haven’t seen him since. He would do anything for me and outwardly he was absolutely lovely and everything I ever wanted . It should have been such a good relationship and I can’t shake off how much potential it had but I always felt there was something going on behind my back . We were dating roughly 2.5 years.

i have a full life, a son, friends , social life , work full time

but i can not get my head off this

i saw him on a dating app a few days ago and it has made it so much worse

has anyone with autism / ADHD found a way to overcome this?

I should add that I never got solid proof of any wrongdoing and I think it would have helped if I had. I think it’s partly the not knowing .

I think it’s mainstream to think a lot about a relationship that didn’t end that long ago and which meant a lot to you? Loss and grief take a long time to process. What do you mean by a thought loop?

I mean I’m thinking about it CONSTANTLY. Even if just in the background of my other day to day thoughts . It’s not the first time or thing it’s happened with I usually have something stuck in my head . Currently it’s him

Look up relationship OCD, I saw something about this on social media. I have also heard that a lot of people deal with a breakdown of a relationship after a divorce harder than the divorce itself!

I think I just loved him more than I’d ever loved my exh tbh

So you just walked out based on unfouded suspicions, and you ghosted him?

No there’s a hell of a lot more to it than that .

op. If he’s in a dating site, could you try again with him. Like you said, there was no evidence of him cheating?

No
there is no going back
I didn’t really want to get into details but in a nutshell

he had female friend he was overly enmeshed and co-dependent with who he wouldn’t let me meet

I was finding used BDSM equipment in his house

this woman called him a ‘pet name ‘ he couldn’t offer a consistent or convincing explanation for but I have since found out this is a common name in dom and sub situations

so whilst I never saw them ‘at it’ so to speak , I think I have very good reasons to be suspicious.

I find it hard to separate this stuff from the caring man he also was , or at least seemed to be. But there was lies and gaslighting.

in all honesty this would have been much easier if I had caught them ‘at it’

I know nothing of relationship OCD, so if it is something like that, this advice is probably not right. But in the past I've found these things help to get over obsessive thoughts, including about an ex:

Choose a time of day when you can think about them. Block out an hour or two half-hours a day where you think about them as much as you like, set a timer and when it goes off, have a simple, focused activity set up to do immediately afterwards, such as phoning someone with important things you need to discuss or helping a child with homework, or something nice like researching a holiday or free online course of study. If you catch yourself thinking of him, say, 'No, that's booked in at 4pm.' After a while you don't want to spend the whole half hour on him, and that is empowering.

Find the ultimate emotion behind the longing. This is so empowering. You want him back because being with him made you feel: like you belonged? like you were loved? like you fitted in scoiety? Then ask how does belonging/being loved/fitting in make you feel? Once you identify the emotion behind it, come up with as many ways as you can to access that emotion in your current circumstances.

@Tonissister thank you

Wow, he sounds like a gem. Why are you wasting your time thinking about a dishonest pervert like that?

well exactly. I don’t choose to feel like this .

I’m no expert but it sounds like CBT could help you challenge any fond thought you have about him with the actual reality of what he is like. Maybe look on line for some self help CBT worksheets and have a concerted effort at challenging your unrealistic thoughts?