Really struggling to get over failed relationship

[TheThingOnTheIce]

So first off. Not diagnosed but I’d put every penny I have on being ND.
I am stuck in a thought loop about my ex.
i’m 43 and divorced and my divorce didn’t cause me anywhere near this turmoil

I walked out of my boyfriend’s house in October last year and haven’t seen him since. He would do anything for me and outwardly he was absolutely lovely and everything I ever wanted . It should have been such a good relationship and I can’t shake off how much potential it had but I always felt there was something going on behind my back . We were dating roughly 2.5 years.

i have a full life, a son, friends , social life , work full time

but i can not get my head off this

i saw him on a dating app a few days ago and it has made it so much worse

has anyone with autism / ADHD found a way to overcome this?

I should add that I never got solid proof of any wrongdoing and I think it would have helped if I had. I think it’s partly the not knowing .

I think it’s mainstream to think a lot about a relationship that didn’t end that long ago and which meant a lot to you? Loss and grief take a long time to process. What do you mean by a thought loop?

I mean I’m thinking about it CONSTANTLY. Even if just in the background of my other day to day thoughts . It’s not the first time or thing it’s happened with I usually have something stuck in my head . Currently it’s him

Look up relationship OCD, I saw something about this on social media. I have also heard that a lot of people deal with a breakdown of a relationship after a divorce harder than the divorce itself!

I think I just loved him more than I’d ever loved my exh tbh

So you just walked out based on unfouded suspicions, and you ghosted him?

No there’s a hell of a lot more to it than that .

op. If he’s in a dating site, could you try again with him. Like you said, there was no evidence of him cheating?

No
there is no going back
I didn’t really want to get into details but in a nutshell

he had female friend he was overly enmeshed and co-dependent with who he wouldn’t let me meet

I was finding used BDSM equipment in his house

this woman called him a ‘pet name ‘ he couldn’t offer a consistent or convincing explanation for but I have since found out this is a common name in dom and sub situations

so whilst I never saw them ‘at it’ so to speak , I think I have very good reasons to be suspicious.

I find it hard to separate this stuff from the caring man he also was , or at least seemed to be. But there was lies and gaslighting.

in all honesty this would have been much easier if I had caught them ‘at it’

I know nothing of relationship OCD, so if it is something like that, this advice is probably not right. But in the past I've found these things help to get over obsessive thoughts, including about an ex:

Choose a time of day when you can think about them. Block out an hour or two half-hours a day where you think about them as much as you like, set a timer and when it goes off, have a simple, focused activity set up to do immediately afterwards, such as phoning someone with important things you need to discuss or helping a child with homework, or something nice like researching a holiday or free online course of study. If you catch yourself thinking of him, say, 'No, that's booked in at 4pm.' After a while you don't want to spend the whole half hour on him, and that is empowering.

Find the ultimate emotion behind the longing. This is so empowering. You want him back because being with him made you feel: like you belonged? like you were loved? like you fitted in scoiety? Then ask how does belonging/being loved/fitting in make you feel? Once you identify the emotion behind it, come up with as many ways as you can to access that emotion in your current circumstances.

@Tonissister thank you

Wow, he sounds like a gem. Why are you wasting your time thinking about a dishonest pervert like that?

well exactly. I don’t choose to feel like this .

I’m no expert but it sounds like CBT could help you challenge any fond thought you have about him with the actual reality of what he is like. Maybe look on line for some self help CBT worksheets and have a concerted effort at challenging your unrealistic thoughts?

I have adhd and can get into loops. I think you also have an unresolved thing there too where you don't really have closure i.e. truth, along with the complexity of being someone you had feelings for - but sounds like you did the right thing.

Some good advice here. I've tended to give myself a statute of limitations e.g. I'll let this fuck me off (on and off) for four days (for example) then I'm going to force myself to do something that moves me and my life forward.

One thing I'd be wary of, whenever it's been about men and I've decided to move on, they come out the fucking woodwork again...so the fact he's online means he's looking - make sure your social media and phone are blocked so he can't come looking for you. Trust your spider sense and do things that make you feel strong and safe.

It sounds like you are ruminating constantly about your ex because you want the outcome to be different.

You have to process the loss of the relationship, fully come to terms with the fact that he was not the right person for you, seems to have had some behaviours that were not right for you and would have caused you a great deal of unhappiness. You have to find a way of completely embracing that you are better off without him in your life and find ways of redirecting your thoughts, so that you not wasting your valuable time, headspace and energy on fixating on the past.

Sometimes a way to wean yourself off a pattern that you have got into, is to say to yourself, this is something I will dedicate to thinking about at a specific time. So, you could say to yourself between 5-6pm or on your commute to work, or whatever works for you. Then you allocate yourself thinking time and you stick to that. That way you aren't denying your mind the itch it wants to scratch, you are just postponing it. Quite often this helps contain the over-thinking and ruminating and you are able to get into more healthy thought patterns.

You can't choose how you feel, but you can choose how you think, what you think and when you think it. Good luck @TheThingOnTheIce .

I have the same thing. It's painful as fuck, it really is.

When someone is overtly/extremely/inarguably bad, it can be easier. But when someone is genuinely lovely some/most of the time, you believe in them and trust them, but then they do things that are completely unacceptable and incongruous to that image, some brains (like mine) just don't deal with that well. They end up in an infinite loop of unprompted analysis/bargaining/recrimination.

One thing that has helped me is writing a document/list that I can refer to when its hard. Things like

• What I loved about him/her
• What hurt me
• Things I don't need his/her agreement to know
• What I gave
• What I needed and didn't consistently receive
• What I am likely to forget when I miss him/her

It's no panacea, but it helped me.

This /well said.
The ASD is red herring /don’t get fixated on that.

Sounds really difficult. I would have had to end it too.
I ruminate like mad about relationships. I’m currently awaiting a “right to choose” ADHD assessment. Ive been prescribed vortioxetine to calm my overthinking in the meantime. It seems to be helpful.

Thanks for the new replies

I think part of it is about forgiving myself . It’s not that I didn’t see the red flags in fact I’m better at spotting them than most. It’s that I ignored them and hoped they’d go away.

It’s not like I want him back but the whole thing was a lengthy headfuck

think I’ve learned a lot about relationships going forward though and getting out earlier

Hello, I went through this, stayed with someone longer than should / if at all, then wondered why five years were wasted. Swore I'd never do it again.

I think, get into the lesson - WHY did you stay?

I reckon he kept that area of his life hidden from you, but the very fact that it was there made a secret open up between you and that can be felt. So you felt it. You stayed a little longer than you ought to have done, but the price is the lesson you learned - some people thank life for these lessons and think, it only took me two and a half years to learn that, thank you.

I wonder if it would also help to focus forwards now - on building the next step out in your life. And teaching your brain not to ruminate, and understanding that not all thoughts are true.

All the best x