As a child I remember feeling really sad most of the time. As an adult I'm just consistently numb, it feels like I watching my life happen and having to force myself to engage with the basics of going to work, eating, housework etc. I have no desire or interest in doing any of the things which most people would consider to be the fun parts of life going on holidays etc. I don't think it's depression as it's not a phase where I feel sad for a while but have periods where I feel better.
I don't have friends as I give off an awkward vibe of being uncomfortable in my own skin and of course noone wants to be friends with someone who seems sad all the time. I have a partner, but we're more like room mates. I don't want a romantic relationship and he says he's happy with how things are. We're in the process of trying to move house, but I hate the upheaval of having to show people my house, then there's the stress of trying to find somewhere to move to. I just don't care enough about it, I'm not excited by the idea of moving to a 'better' house. I've reached the point where I've had enough, the effort to reward of being alive is too high. If I knew I could die and not have to worry messing it up and causing myself brain damage but still surviving I would do it without a second thought.