Books you would recommend - supporting DD14 with possible depression

[Randomeemoh]

Hi there
I’ve posted separately about DD 14 (feeling unwell the past few years with disassociation / derealisation, light headedness, fatigue).

Sadly she has plunged into a depressive state the past few weeks, currently off school and quite confined to her room.
Our GP and school are providing excellent support and she is awaiting CAHMS referral.

For anyone going through / having had a similar experience are there any books you would recommend, to help me support her better and set my expectations about how things will unfold? I’m trying to be patient and led by her and the professionals - but I do worry about her future if she is off school for a long time, and not socialising with her peers.

Thank you

Sorry that your DD is struggling. It’s good that you have some support. Been though similar at the same age but she did go to school ( nowhere else)
She eventually came through the other side stronger but it was a really tough time.
We had support from CAMHS. School weren’t really aware of the extent of her depression.
Can’t really recommend any books but I’d look on Young Minds.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/

One of our dogs was a huge help and wouldn’t take no for an answer when she was pushing everyone away. She’d wait patiently and push her nose under her arm. She also used to offer her ball ( strangely would try to put it in DD ‘s mouth! Didn’t do this with anyone else)
Also had a big photo pocket hanger on her door with photos of happy times, favourite people etc.
Will she do art or crafts? The 365 days of art books are good.
Really hope things start to improve soon.

Take a look at Georgia Ede's book, Change your diet, change your mind. Or watch her talk linked below. There are a lot of interesting studies linking metabolic health and mental health, and showing that improving metabolic health improves mental health. Dr Ede is a psychiatrist and worked at a uni treating students, so her anecdotes about treating young people are relevant to your situation.
Or take a look at Dr Ally Houston, he is UK based and currently doing studies on treating depression using nutritional interventions. His own story is very interesting.

Best wishes.

I agree that I went through a bout of horrific depression in my early teens that nobody really caught, or it felt like it at the time.

I wish someone had explained to me that hormones can make you feel so down, and how important diet and physical wellbeing is to recovery.

I managed to snap out of it when I started eating again but it is a horrible feeling and I am so glad your DD has you to support

Thank you so much - these are both really helpful. I worry that I’m not doing anything to help and I’m not being proactive enough. We are trying to see the little things as wins - if she eats with us, or watches a TV programme with us, She really doesn’t want to engage with any activities - she listens to music and that’s about it. We do have a dog and he does help (in his own mad way!) I would love to get her out for a little walk but it seems a step too far right now.

I’m sure you are doing your best. Try to be kind to yourself. It’s good that you are recognising the little wins.

There is a book by kitty tait about how she had to drop out of school due to depression but there started baking as a way to improve her mental health. Both cookbook and mental health story

Thank you x

I agree with @24Dogcuddler seeking therapeutic support for her will be better than a book. NICE recommends three types of therapy for severe depression, start with CBT because it's quicker and cheaper, but then consider psychoanalytic psychotherapy or family therapy if it doesn't work (or skip CBT entirely if it doesn't feel like her kind of thing.)

Sorry I can't help with boom recommendations but at 16-18 I really struggled with my mental health. I had panic attacks in exams and was asked to leave. I could often only manage to be in a classroom for 20 minutes. I had to defer some exams and do other exams in a room on my own.

I made it through school and got to university. My wellbeing really improved outside of the school environment. I still struggled with my mood but it was much more manageable and I was able to start carving a life out for myself. I came away with a 1st class degree, went on to do a PhD. My mental health declined and I was diagnosed with bipolar and my life suddenly made sense to me. I'm approaching 40 now, I have had a professional career, I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years and we have 2 children. My mental health is always a work in progress but two things that I have learnt are horrendous for my mood are lack of rest days, lack of routine and the big one hormones.

My worst episodes have been during my A levels, my PhD and post partum with my eldest. Doing things has an energy penalty for me and the only way to recoup that energy is by rest. The 5+ days a week slog of school didn't give me the opportunity to reset. During my PhD I was working 26 out of 28 days and doing 60-80h a week which was a recipe for disaster and I had a high needs baby with no family support which triggered the severe pnd.

One thing that has really helped me manage life is using the spoon theory approach. The idea is you start each day with a set number of spoons but the energy demand varies so some days you can use up your spoons quicker. Say I started most days with 20 spoons. On a normal day I might use 1 getting dressed, another to get some breakfast and then I have 18 for the rest of the day. I go to bed at night rest and wake up the next morning with 20.

On a bad day getting out of bed takes a spoon putting on the kettle to make a drink takes a spoon, making breakfast takes a spoon, getting undressed takes a spoon getting dressed takes a spoon. Thinking about where I need to be today takes a spoon. By the time I am ready for the day to start I'm now down to 14, but to get through the day I still need a minimum of 18 but realistically as everything is taken twice as much energy it's probably more like 24. I borrow them from tomorrow but this means that I start the next day with 10 and by the time I am able to start the day I might be down to 2 so I turn around and go back to bed. I spend the day limbing through resting to get a spoon to eat.

Things that wouldn't usually drain my energy do. Sitting with others can really zap spoons. I have learnt, still learning really, to look over the week and see how it might ebb and flow and what is important for me to rest to be able to do and what things would be lovely to do but really take more energy than the reward from doing it gives.

@Superscientist thank you for sharing your story so eloquently.

Whilst I can’t fully put myself in DDs shoes, what you have described really chimes with what I can see DD goes through. I think she’s been battling through these past few years to get through the school week, and it just go to the point where she was totally depleted.

if I may ask - what are the things that your family did / does to help? DD really doesn’t want to talk or do anything much, other than maybe watch a bit of TV each day. I worry that I’m letting her slip further away by not doing more, but I feel like we have to be led by her (with psychiatric help, once we access it).

Have tangible issues been aired at all? Is there something to be unhappy about, locally, personally? Or is your daughter invested in anything seen in news stories?

Have you supported outlets that might be healthy, such as, are there musical instruments in the household?

Fiction and poetry might be of use, but mental health discourse isn't very brave, is often ideological and a book by a comfortable expert is likely to to compound any unhappiness based on realities forcing themselves on us all and creating fear in many. Others here might recommend books but the last psychology book someone foisted on me was on EUPD, given to me by someone evangelising on a discourse that is an excuse to not listen regarding trauma. It's almost a cliche now but your daughter's condition is less worrying than indifference or bubbliness.

I experienced what I wrongly thought was depression for 35 years, and it started to lift, quite rapidly at times and for periods, when I spent time in another town. Life in another country has shown what the problem was.

Thank you. The books would be for me (not her) to help me understand what she is going through and how best to support her, especially while we wait to see a specialist.