How do people socialise and not walk away with more anxiety?

[MarsMama17]

Hi, I’ve always had anxiety and was very shy as a child, since my first early memories I’ve carried so much guilt and embarrassment.

I’m now in my 30s and still cannot socialise without replaying and reliving small interactions. I don’t leave the house unless with my family and rarely talk to people outside of my safe people. I am a mum though so can’t always avoid this.

I can only describe the feelings after socialising, even with friends or family at times, as painful and panic inducing.

I always feel like I’m a terrible person who’s said and done stupid and embarrassing things.

I’ve done counselling and I’ve tried to work on myself but still struggling to the point I no longer work. If anyone has figured out ways to help overcome this feeling, I am open to ideas. Thank you

Babies and toddlers, as you know from your own experience, aren't backward in expressing their emotions, without any regard for the feelings of others!

Why do you think you felt guilty about as a child? Being shy can be embarrassing, yes, but guilt suggests you believed you had done something wrong.

As a starting point of understanding, and dealing with, anxiety this Ted X is useful;

Sertraline changed my life.

I get it too....although not as badly as you OP. No help just sympathy.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are as you are. Enjoy your home life with nice husband and kids, go out as a family on the weekend and do not overthink it all. Do you enjoy events rather than weekly clubs at the same place?? I love going to shop and cafes alone....

basically it will never be perfect, so basically dont sweat the small things,

I came to say this too. I have masked social anxiety for decades. It hasn't got much better with any form of therapy - CBT was a waste of time, as was mindfulness-I was too wired and hyper with anxiety. Sertraline hasn't cured me completely but it definitely helps. Try everything OP-good luck.

As I've got older I came to realise that people aren't actually bothered by what you say, do or wear. They are really just concerned about themselves, we're all the stars of our own show. So unless you turn up in fancy dress and everyone else is in evening wear, no one notices or cares. If you're talking to someone just ask a question or two, people love talking about themselves.

Reassuring onself that others probably don't care can calm it down a bit. As that is undoubtedly true of most people. But! Here's the big but, I have an extremely judgemental family and dh is too. They will comment negatively on the most innocuous things. That certainly has not helped!

This social anxiety is subconscious and it can take me hours to recover from a social interaction.

Have you ever tried anti-anxiety medication?

My only real experience of this is that when I first went on ADHD medication, the first one I tried made me horribly anxious about social interaction. At the actual time of the interaction it was fine, but when I got home later on I'd be replaying various moments of the conversation and be filled with absolute horror at how awful I had been and how much I must have made other people feel embarrassed or uncomfortable or how weirdly and rude I must have come across and would be consumed with feelings that they all secretly hate me or find me terribly annoying.

I knew intellectually that I was not acting any differently to normal. These are people who I consider my friends, who generally display the sentiment that they like me and don't find me overly annoying or rude (albeit everyone is accidentally annoying and/or rude occasionally). I don't usually come away from interactions having those horrified and worried feelings. I usually come away feeling happy and pleasant, reliving the funny or interesting moments of the conversation, perhaps continuing a thread of thought about one of the topics we had discussed. I generally find social contact with people I like to be uplifting.

Anyway I changed which ADHD medication I was taking and it went away. I went back to the experience of finding it happy and uplifting. Which makes me think there must be some kind of brain chemistry involved in how we process interactions like this. And I've seen something since then which suggests that as well.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you for your suggestions I will give this video a watch.

I always felt as a child like everthing bad that happened within my family was my fault. From things said to me or about me. I think I always carried this guilt because I believed it.

@IsItBeesThoughLooshkin
@abracadabra1980
@BertieBotts

thank you for your messages I appreciate your suggestions. I have tried beta blockers before when I was younger. I think if I do carry on struggling I would definitely consider medication. Glad it’s helped you guys ❤️

Thank you everyone else for your helpful messages. And I’m sorry if you’re also struggling ❤️

i definitely felt like I was getting better at rationalising my anxiety. However recently it really has felt like the end of the world. It’s so exhausting isn’t it!

Fake it till you make it and think of conversations before you go and practice practice practice it gets easier the more you do it

Have you ever tried DBT rather than CBT? It was helpful for a family member who had tried CBT and medication without success.

It's the old saying those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

I really, REALLY struggled for many years even just going out of the house with anxiety. I ended up nearly dying because I was seriously ill but was absolutely terrified of going into hospital and being around all of the people (I was persuaded in the end).

Now, I am married with a little girl. I still don't have many 'friends' imo for example, just good acquaintances really in my mind, but I am meeting 10-20 different and new people every single day at work (home shopping delivery), having conversations with them etc etc. about anything and everything.

The safe people thing really rang a chord with me as I was exactly the same. If you told me then what i'm like now and I'd have thought you crazy.

How did things improve? I chose to stop giving a hoot in what other people thought about me! Get angry, stop caring!!! If they thought/think something so be it, I don't know if they do or do not so why should I be concerned? I also started agreeing to things if anybody asked me. Do you want to go here? Ok let's do it. Shall we try this? Yup! I considered what my anxious self would say and then did the opposite (within reason!) 🤣

I admit I still find those sort of situations tough but I still say let's do it, I also admit I hate small talk. I am perfectly happy in my own bubble say at school pick up for example, but I also make a point of saying hi to mums & dads I kind of know now. It's honestly, not worth worrying about other people and their thoughts of you and any interactions you have with them.

It isn't easy to persuade yourself to do the opposite to what you want to do inside, but it helps so much.

Live your life to the fullest amount you can, I regret missing out on so much because of the anxiety I had.

Be you and you don't have to confirm to everyonelse..came to that conclusion myself, also a mum of a few, rarely ever leave the house, got a wonderful family and dh...kids know I can't manage and accept it as the norm to do things with dad and they will video me when out...the stress made me so ill I had to give up a job I adored a few years ago as it got more people related and when it got to the point of vomiting, shaking, masking, tears, bursts of angry frustration etc ...so I learned to become the new me, no point being annoyed, stressed and not the best mum by forcing myself out when I have an illness beyond my control now. Going to drs or opticians, dentist is enough to set me back a few days other than that my kids have a happy mum again and dh is so supportive like I said it's the norm now so nobody sees me or I don't feel different anymore family and friends know to visit as it's easier and ye it's calmed down a lot since we followed the autistic and mh clinic advice 4 years ago

Children often don't understand that the things are happening around them have nothing to do with them – they can only make sense of things by relating them to themselves; it's a survival mechanism. So if parents are fighting, it must be their fault, when actually it has nothing to do with them.

You believed it then. You don't have to believe it anymore. Take that as a starting point to your recover.

Me too