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New friend seems to have it all - I feel so jealous and low

46 replies

anxiousia · 28/01/2005 10:37

I was so pleased to go for lunch with a new friend recently at her house so our 2 ds could play together. I am really so I need friends and so does my ds. But her house was so gorgeous and huge, she has three children ( I just had a m/c) and I have always been so self-conscious about our house. And I just feel consumed with jealousy, it's awful. I'm trying to feel positive but can't seem to look at what I do have and appreciate that. I always focus on what I don't have. anyone else like me at there?

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nightowl · 30/01/2005 23:25

anxiousia, your last paragraph could have been something written by me. thats exactly how i feel and ive been looking for the answer too. sometimes i feel so down and want to better myself and change my life. thats what people say to do, if you dont like it change it. i get what seem like good ideas but then every time i try to put them in action something comes along to trip me over. so i think "oh well, it was a stupid idea anyway" and i carry on the same. i always find myself thinking "whats the point having daydreams about how things could be? because they wont, im just making myself miserable trying to grab things i cant ever reach" then other times i think "what if im not aiming high enough and just giving up and accepting a bad deal". i still dont know which is right. i know i want to do something...but i dont know what that something is. i want to live instead of exist in what has felt like limbo for a long time now. i dont want material things, i just want a life. its how to get one. i hope if you find the answer then you can sling it this way too!

anxiousia · 31/01/2005 00:20

Nightowl and pussnboots, ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))thanks for those msgs, there is nothing better than knowing I'm not alone in this. thanks

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anxiousia · 31/01/2005 21:54

Made a really big effort today to appreciate what I have and had a much better day despite filthy cold. Loads of these posts really helped, thanks for everyone's input. I know I suffer from a peculiar kind of depression, it's so well established that I sometimes don't realise that I'm sinking fast until it's a little overwhelming.
To be honest I have a stangely weak sense of myself so on a bad day I can find myself totally wiped out by something really very small. Lately I've been consumed by feeling left out by two friends whose children see more of each other because they're at nursery together. I feel so sad for me and ds as if they just don't like us as much... sounds silly I know but it makes me feel about 5 years old! Right back at school.
What kind of days have any of you had? Are you there nightowl, pussnboots, moondog? All great names by the way!

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nightowl · 31/01/2005 23:25

hiya. i know the feeling about friends. i recently had my little group of friends all really annoy me. they all live a while away and their kids go to the same school etc, a woman at their school started causing trouble and bitching about me and so my friends invited her out with us, knowing i wouldnt feel comfortable if she was there and so i couldnt go. my one friend especially knew how lonely i was and that i hardly ever go out of the house let alone anywhere else so it didnt go down too well. its getting sorted out now but it really gets to you at the time doesnt it? my day has been pretty uneventful really. saw a job i was interested in on the net and rushed to type up my application so i could post it when i went shopping later..baby screamed and screamed and just would not let me do i a thing so i was getting tense! (then she locked me in my "office" (the pantry) and sat outside the door screaming for five mins. had visions of being in here for ever and begging someone from mn to come and break down my door lol! theres no lock of course but she pushed the door shut and then sat behind it so i couldnt open it for fear of hitting her with it..! i did some more decorating the other day which i was pleased with, the ground floor is nearly finished now...has only taken 5 years so far!!

nightowl · 31/01/2005 23:25

would feel uncomfortable that was supposed to say!

pussnboots · 01/02/2005 00:26

hi anx - another typical day for me. worked in our pub kitchen over lunchtime (don't often have the confidence to work on the bar - even after 10 years here!!) slept from 3pm until 4.30pm when dd (12)came home. took ds(17) to evening class. watched tv. then mumsnet. what a waste of a life!!

anxiousia · 01/02/2005 05:48

bbbpussnboots, thanks for posting, do you mind me saying that that doesn't sound like a waste of life at all! Nearly grown up ds and dd, that's amazing and to have work as well. I just have one ds and am scared in case I can't have more. But I know that thing of hiding from people so well if it's what you do too. Thanks for posting, I'm here anytime and so grateful for the company.
nightowl, this friend thing is hard isn't it? What polaxes me is so many women I know have one main friend with kids so me and ds are always playing third fiddle, and I feel my ds's left-outness so acutely I can't tell you. I have had friends who have moved etc so we've been a little unlucky. also I just find it so hard to invite people back because my house feels not as nice as theirs, I know it's irrational but I need to do what's best for my ds and he needs friends. The 2 friends I mentioned really are enough for each other, they don't really need anyone else. And one seems to be on a campaign to foster what they have and consciously leave ds out. It just reminds me of school when for one term or so I had no friends and used to try and find places to hide at break time so people couldn't see me wandering around alone, it felt like having the plague or ringing a bell saying unclean!
But I'm so impressed that you even have an office and have been refurbishing, do you work from home? I have so much here we need to do it's unbelievable. Do you feel great to have completed something? I'm going to see if I can get back to sleep, thanks for the company

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pussnboots · 01/02/2005 09:52

thanks anx!! thing is I feel a bit redundant now that the kids are so much older and more independant. For instance i don't have any school runs to do! I look at my friends and what they have achieved and it makes me feel crap! Ds was on the ASD spectrum when younger and he took up ALL my emotional energy for many years. He started boarding at school and loved it so we have continued to struggle to find the fees for that. (Just one more year to go after this). We still live in a small flat above the pub cos we can't afford school fees and a house. In a few more years we will be able to buy a house so I should be really happy that we don't have any long term financial worries. I just feel like I have given everything to the children and dh and the business over the years and i no longer even KNOW what I want. I used to have all kinds of ambitions but now I just feel I have left it all too late and there is no point trying to make plans for the future. For years I thought I would 'grow out' of my dissatisfaction with life but I know now I should have been much more proactive in making things happen. So anx - try to avoid becoming the bitter, twisted old thing that I have become!! But I can't give any advice on how to achieve it I'm sorry.

sasa15 · 01/02/2005 09:59

Anxiousia,
I have a beautiful healthy baby and a caring husband....and a lot of love.

I'm renting and I haven't got house yet....

but think what happened in the rest of the world...tsunami..and other disaster...

people dealing with illness and feel happy to have what you have got

pussnboots · 01/02/2005 10:07

anx - just reread your last post and know exactly how you feel about the friends thing and also the 'not as nice house'. i am terribly ashamed of our small flat and rarely invite people here. dd is happy to have friends around but can get terribly jealous when she sees her friends' nice houses and gardens. over the last year i have been making much more effort to make new friends and it is really working. dd is now at a lovely, not snotty, private secondary school and the parents i have met there have been really welcoming. i'd love to meet up with some of the mums for coffee but a)I work b)they work c)its difficult to have chatty mum talk with dh always around. or maybe i am just making excuses!

anxiousia · 01/02/2005 17:06

pussnboots, what an amazing dedication to your family, and to have those wonderful kids to show for all your hard work, it sounds an amazing achievement from where I'm sitting. I can imagine what you're sayingbeing true for me, it already is true in lots of ways. Maybe, though, our lives aren't as fixed as we think? Given what you've described I'd imagine that you can do anything you set your mind to! But I hear what you're saying about being exhausted.
I have a hard time separating my self/life from caring for dh and ds but am trying a few good things which are just for me (like an exercise class) I made an effort to see a friend and her dd today(who I always think must find our place grim) but we four had a lovely time. I just need to keep inviting people and it will get easier, mostly people want company I think and can have a nice time anywhere. I hope you feel like making the push to see more of these nicer women. I'm much happier today after making myself organise an afternoon with a woman I really like. Thanks for your company today too!

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charleypops · 01/02/2005 17:57

Anxiousia - just because some people may seem to have more/better/whatever stuff than you doesn't mean they're not capable of becoming real friends. You don't have to talk about house prices/loft conversions etc, but people who live in a similar area tend to. It's a bit like talking about the weather. In my experience, only about half the type of people of people you are talking about you really wouldn't have anything in common with. The other half, however, will be interesting, have interesting opinions and find you and your opinions interesting. Out of these, some will make worthwhile friends. You have no need to feel intimidated by them - I'm sure some of them would love a friend like you.

I have a mate, for instance, who lives in a massive 1-point-something million pound house on a private estate, whose dh earns a fortune from a family firm, and who will buy nothing apart from second hand stuff, and is always the first at any local car-boot sales. She is always fishing about in skips as well. She is lovely. I also buy second hand stuff and do the boot sales and auctions. I think if you make a little effort with your environment and "dress" your house nicely, you will feel better and you won't be embarrassed.

Another one used to live in a massive house, but split up with partner and now lives in a modest terrace she was left with nothing and a small kid. She's made her house lovely for next to nothing - even sleeping on foam because she couldn't afford a mattress. She wouldn't think twice at having anyone or anyone's kids around, no matter what sort of house they lived in, huge or tiny, rented, council or whatever as long as she liked them and they her.

I definitely believe having friends who give a sh*t and loving the bits in your house (no matter how uncostly) and being proud of your home and family is worth more than any of this.

I find if that writing or painting helps when you feel like this - envy/depression etc can be very creative. Perhaps you could join a writing or poetry class?

pussnboots · 01/02/2005 19:38

i enjoyed your postings anx and cp. You are quite right about friends - the nicest people really don't mind what sort of house you live in, they like you for your personality/opinions etc. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

that's great that you have seen a friend today - and i really admire your initiative in going to an exercise class. that's all very positive!! At this rate i think you'll very soon have things back in perspective. good luck!!

anxiousia · 01/02/2005 21:52

Good to hear from you pussnboots, did you have a better day today? I can't believe I'm still standing having woken in a cold sweat at 4.30 am worrying like mad. Thanks for your encouragement, I think I'm going to try to pursue this tack of keeping on inviting people and seeing what happens, maybe I'll get slowly less self-conscious the more I do it. I totally know that it's not rational. There seems to be some shame deep inside me that I think I project onto the house or something, that bit of me doesn't seem to be accessible to my will exactly, only influenced by what I actually do (I've felt this about all my homes since childhood really).
Charleypops what a lovely post, of course you're so right, I can never hear what you've said enough, it's not what you have but who you are, I know I need to battle to remember that and attack this a little more directly if I can

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Donbean · 01/02/2005 22:02

I have had the odd comment from friends about our house. Its all done up lovely (it took us 4 years to renovate from top to bottom) and yes it is lovely. However they come round, kick off their shoes and put their feet up, comfortable and at home and as friends should.
One friend comments on how awful her house is and that she wants it decorated like mine....well her kettle stil boils and she still had fab cookies when we go round and thats all im bothered about, a right good brew and a natter. i dont realy care about her wallpaper and carpets. It upsets me that she compares and feels "put down" or "inferior" in any way because she is one of the best friends that i have.And i tell her so.

nightowl · 02/02/2005 02:06

hi anx. i dont have an office, thats what we affectionatly call it but when i said in my post "the pantry" thats actually exactly what it is! my "office" at present is full of papers for the tribunal i am taking my ex employers to. (i cant beleive how many papers there are...big pile). i dont work right now..i havent since they dismissed me on mat leave last year (but thats another story)!

mine is one of the unmodernised houses in my street (mostly council, or bought from). so where lots of the other houses have great potential, mine is lacking somewhat compared to the others! they all had the pantry (in the lounge) blocked up and turned into a downstairs loo and porch with back door, accessible from the kitchen and the other porch knocked out to make a large kitchen. i still have mine, a kitchen just big enough to swing a mouse and this very cold little pantry that i made into my "office". its about 5ft by 3ft and under the stairs so imagine an understairs cupboard and thats where i am! i dont have a bathroom upstairs really, a room with just a bath, no sink, no toilet (toilet is where bigger kitchen would be). we brush our teeth and wash our faces over the bath here but you get used to it lol! it used to really bother me that my neighbour was given a lovely modernised house and i was given a virtual wreck. especially when i was spending spare money to try and make mine nice and she spends hers on beer when shes so lucky to get the house she did and doesnt bother with it. but thinking about it, well an old person lived here several tenants before me (strangely no-one has stayed here long) i cant blame an old person for not wanting modernisation, being moved out and back in, i wouldnt want that either at that age. when i got this house i waited years for them to sort out the damp even though i reported it when i took on the tenancy, years for central heating, years for new windows instead of the draughty metal ones and i only got these things because of my son's asthma. i had to take this house as it was this or a high rise flat in the worst area around here filled with druggies and such like. i had this house for two months before it was decent enough to move in, thats not an especially long time but im not kidding when i say it was a struggle at first. i was working 9am-6pm five days a week, (paying a mortgage and bills on one house, rent and bills on another), going back to my own house, getting changed and bringing my (then) three year old here with a chip shop tea. i would then decorate until 10pm, walk back home, put him to bed, do my own tea (or sometimes not bothering with tea), do my housework and have a bath, getting to bed around 1am just to do it all again the next day. the only help i had was my bf, for a couple of hours one day a week. that was it. i finally broke down one day at work..i could hardly keep my eyes open. people kept promising to help and never turning up. after the two months it wasnt finished but i moved in as i couldnt stand it anymore. so you see, like i say, it isnt a palace by any means, but compared to before its fine. if anyone dares to say anything to me about it they usually get a mouthfull. im proud of what i did here and sod anyone who doesnt like it now because i did it all myself for 4 1/2 years and i know im lucky to even get a council house when there are so many people on the waiting list. i was going to buy the house last year but then i was made redundant (if thats what they call it, i prefer unfair dismissal) so that all went pear shaped. i will buy it though. im splitting my bedroom in two this year (well i never planned on our new arrival and need another bedroom now!) my next door neighbour who owns her house kindly let me have a look at how they turned theirs into a three bedroomed, the room is small but adequate, ive seen smaller rooms (one being in that beautiful house i mentioned earlier in the thread) so we will do just fine. then maybe in a few years i can sell up and move somewhere bigger. i think perhaps thats the only plan i have! i would love you to see the "before" photos i took of my house, im sure they would make you feel better.

as a final thought, as a child i was always so much happier in my friends' houses when they were disorganised and no-where near perfect, because thats what i saw as a family home. you could sit yourself down and not worry about wrinkling the sofa throw, kicking up the rug or dropping a few biscuit crumbs. it always felt so warm and welcoming. i stayed at my then best friend's house often and slept on a little fold out foam thing next to her bed. the house was so cluttered and at times very messy but they are the best memories i have. it never mattered what their house looked like because we were all loved (my friend's mum used to and still does call me her "adopted daughter"). their bathroom didnt have a lock, the shower curtain was wonky and the soap was always little bits squashed together, the kitchen was crammed full of things, recipy books and jars of herbs everywhere, the bedrooms...well i dont know what colour the carpet was as we couldnt see it underneath the toys, the fence outside had chalk marks all over it, you couldnt walk around the lounge because they had furniture too big, too much of it, the coffee table always overflowed with magazines...but all these things i remember with affection.

ive written an essay again, sorry if its really boring...i was on a roll!! hope youre feeling better today xx

munnzieb · 02/02/2005 08:28

you know, I have a freind who's house (in my eyes is always perfect) washing up/washing always done etc.. never a thing out of place, I would go to her house for a cuppa then come home and scrubb my house from top to bottom cos I saw it as a state, anyhow, DH soon stopped me seeing her (not for long, he just couldn't stand the 3 hrs of cleaning when I got in!) lol, anyhow, we drifted apart mutually, (a lot of other reasons as well) then when we did start talking again (bear in mind I work F/T and at the time she wasn't workin at all) I was more comfortable with things, now I don't care, if ppl know on my door and it's a mess tough - I don't care!, I might have washing all over the place but it's clean! lol. (of course what didn't help was everything we said we wanted to save up and get, someone else got for them first - most annoying) anyhow, my point is, it's nature to feel jelous, but be happy wiht your lot and make the best of things, It turns out my friend has that cleaning complusive disorder (so i'd never get my house as perfect, as I just don't care!)

anxiousia · 03/02/2005 10:33

Donbean, good point, it sounds like you have some good friends, I'm still a little new to my area and don't know that many SAHMs, but I'm making more effort to invite people and go through the burn of seeing if they don't want to know me once they've been round!
munnzieb, absolutely, your attitude is what I aim for, and that manic home-making is uncomfortable to be around isn't it? I just need a tiny bit of that home-making I think, just a drop more.
Nightowl, what an amazing story and what an achievement on your part, and it is not one bit boring! Fascinating to see how motivated people are. Because we have loads we need to do to this place but I'm so demoralised sometimes that I find it impossible to get off my butt and do anything - not proud of it at all, and ashamed when I read how much you've done! Thanks for telling your story. I feel a lot better today and am being more focussed on what I need to tackle. And you have two children now? How wonderful. I would love to have an other.
Pussnboots, hope you are well too and having a good day. I had a terrible day yesterday, feel really ill with this cold and so impatient with poor ds who has so much energy! But today feel a little brighter.

Hope you've had good days today.

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nightowl · 04/02/2005 01:34

i did work a lot on the house before i moved in but its gone rather slowly since then dont worry! im the kind of person who gets an idea, cant bear not to try it out and then regrets it (where DIY is concerned anyway) example: i remember (i think on the famous all night thread) trying to explain to a couple of the american ladies what a skirting board was (ha, they knew im sure and were teasing me) as i had just ripped off skirting, architrave and dado. this was around april time i think. when i had ripped that off i ripped the wallpaper off too. that was just before i lost my job and was so fed up i just didnt do anything at all. i finished my lounge in october!! (i didnt even have an excuse either as baby wasnt crawling properly then). i start things and because im impatient and cant see an improvement straight away i give up for a while! (a lot like my diet attempts). by the time i finish one thing, another needs doing again...i am caught in an everlasting loop! motivated is not a word i would use to describe myself with beleive me!

my day was ok, tried to get an appointment to get my six inch roots done and failed miserably, so i walked to the local hairdressers (and im chancing it here cus there arent many who can deal with my mop) and they were closed. looks like im going out saturday with my clip on ponytail attached!! but oh the choice...shall i wear the brown one to match my roots or the blonde one to match the ends lol! had some more papers come re my ex employer which was a bit depressing but still. i even went to bed early, had a nasty dream that woke me up and came on here. pretty uneventful day again really!

awful feeling ill and looking after little ones isnt it. im lucky that ds is the age he is in that in extreme cases (ie me unable to move flued up on sofa) he can fix his own sandwich. he spends more time at his granddads than here anyway (grandad is much more fun, takes him to burger king (yuk), buys him toys every week, you get the picture!). is there a section in the grandparents manual about this? sure there must be.

my friend is going through a tough time too i learned today. i cant help physically but im trying to be there for her. dont know why i bother sometimes cus i always seem to get it thrown back in my face when they are back on their feet. i cant help it though, im soft, just cant bring myself to turn my back on someone whos down. ah well, maybe that makes me the better person...fate better have some nice reward for me..maybe i will meet a lovely man on saturday? (fat chance) but one can hope lol! (thats if my six inch roots dont disgust everyone around me). looking forward to it actually, the girl im going out with is as mad as they come and we always have a good night.

im going to stop typing rabble now again, i get constantly moaned at because im never off the phone and it seems i have found somewhere else now to irritate people. i could chat for england me

anxiousia · 04/02/2005 17:06

nightowl, I enjoy hearing from you! I hope you have a good night out. I had an okish day, not much achieved I'm afraid.
How are you pussnboots? Hope everyone has a good w/end.

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nightowl · 04/02/2005 23:04

if i happen to post here tomorrow night then i will probably be drunk. im packing the kids off to their grandparents so i have the house all to myself...lovely! if i dont post then maybe i found the man of my dreams . take it i'll be posting then. hope you have a good weekend too.

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