How can I support a partner with social anxiety?

[Oooeeh]

My partner is really struggling with social anxiety. When he is at work he is ok. But anything social other than that, it’s like I’m living two separate lives. He would prefer me to be a single parent at family and (my) friends occasion than attend.

I completely understand it’s tough for him but it’s effecting my life quite heavily and my children’s.

I really want to help him but he won’t see a counsellor. Is there any practical steps people can advise to try and support ?

social anxiety or not, it’s not fair! And then to do nothing about it is a choice. And he’s choosing to let you do all the social stuff cos he doesn’t fancy it. Nob.

He can’t just want you to be a single parent … that’s not ok.

He needs to seek therapy and if not make a list of all the social events you go and tell him he can choose two categories that he must go to.

I hate social occasions so I empathise with his anxiety- not saying I’m the same - but as a parent I recognise in the early years socialising is the key to my child’s friendships

I'm not sure I understand about the 'single parent at family and friends' occasions' part. Do you mean the events that involve children attending but still require supervision, like weddings, so you are continually dashing around keeping them out of trouble? Otherwise surely you would just leave them at home with your partner and enjoy yourself?

No what I mean is his social anxiety is so extreme that he pretty much has a panic attack if he is away from work or immediate family. He served for the country and compared social occasions to ‘worse than being deployed’ to give you the extremity of the situation. After the Christmas period, I found him curled up in a corner in a ball shaking. It’s severe and not just because he can’t be arsed. It’s got worse over time. It’s not something he can control - trust me I’ve thought everything you all have already posted already.

My reference to single mum is meaning I go to everything alone. And I do not want my children to end up the way he is, if I left them at home to enjoy myself, they would be in the same situation as him ! I feel sad about it, but he needs help. Whilst I appreciate anxiety can be a word thrown out on the whim, this thing is real.

he is too scared to go to a counsellor (for now) but has accepted he needs help to try and overcome. So I’m trying to find something we can do online first, then take a slow step forwards to therapy.

Well, is it possible he has PSTD from his tours of duty? This doesn't sound anything like 'normal' social anxiety. However, he needs to step up and manage his own MH. Many, many people have tackled appalling deep-seated phobias and MH conditions so as not to disadvantage their children. This isn't something you can do for him.

In the meantime, the best thing to do for your children is for you to model normal friendships and socialising for them, inviting people to the house and going out yourself, and to do your best, both of you to promote their friendships. Your DH can surely manage to drop and pick up children from playdates, or having your children's friends in the house?

It is absolutely totally possible. (And most likely!) The most positive thing is he has accepted he wants to get help, he just isn’t fully ready for full blown counselling yet. Which is why we are looking for resources. (He is doing the same - I just thought some people may have come across something useful that they could share)

he does support in those sort of things, it’s just a very heavy burden for me to be the one doing ALL the socialising alone if that makes sense. Weddings, children’s parties, family meals, summer bbqs anything. I attend everything alone. I’d like to get to a point where we can socialise as a family, which right now just feels impossible.

my concern about leaving is that he would impart this on our children in my absence and equally, he needs help.

as I say, it has got increasingly worse over the years. We used to go on holidays with friends, have people over for dinner etc. But something has switched and it’s very difficult. He is also an immigrant so this situation across UK is not helping, he worries about how people will react if they hear his not from UK.

about 7 years ago he was racially attacked and ended up in hospital. I think the bubbling unrest in UK has triggered this. He is also worried about being kicked out of the country, even though I keep assuring him that can’t happen, he has ILR.

he is army trained which makes a huge difference when it comes to talking about feelings etc. These men are trained to kill and protect without empathy and then discharged into society without a second glance.

he is a very supportive dad and partner. He is in crisis and he needs help, but it needs to be slow and steady.

he has been staying out of the family home (at my request) every now and again to give me a break. It’s very hard to explain over an internet forum but it’s not for not wanting to. It’s because he physically can’t.

That does Not sound like social anxiety. It’s surely some form of ptsd. He is “not ready” to try counselling after years of this? That is unfair and completely unreasonable of him. Surely the military has services available for ex-military personnel. You need to put in some boundaries here.

You’d think wouldn’t you. Don’t get me wrong, the day I get him I front of a counsellor, I will be celebrating because I think it will unlock a lot for him. For him to accept he needs change is huge and it requires baby steps.

He is missing out on life and it’s very sad. My children don’t miss out, they obviously do miss out on daddy not attending events but what’s the alternative ? They don’t go?

Then presumably he has access to the MH support offered to army veterans, like Combat Stress, the specialist Courage NHS service, which will all have dealt endlessly with the kind of man who is unwilling to go for counselling because he would rather subject his wife and children to his own untreated MH condition. Like it or not, that is the choice he is making. And I think you at some level know that yourself, when you have asked him to leave the household so that your children aren't subjected to it.

In your shoes, I would seek support for yourself and your children first -- contact one of these services. And be very clear with your husband that this is not just his crisis. That it is significantly damaging your life and the lives of your children. That you desperately need help. Children are only children for a comparatively short time. They don't have endless time to wait around for him to overcome his aversion to therapy.

That’s a good point and one I will make. Thank you.

he won’t have access to those services because it wasn’t for the UK army but perhaps I could try to get someone to point me in the right direction

Some of those services suggest they also offer support to non-British army veterans, or will at least be able to signpost you to others that may.

This sounds like an awful situation for both of you. It definitely sounds like severe ptsd from his time serving his country.

Was he a member of the British military? If so there are organisations he can get in touch with which may be able to signpost to help. Actually even if he served in his home country, they would still be useful to contact
https://combatstress.org.uk/helpline

My son has ptsd (not from serving) and it manifests very severely in social situations or any crowded environment (eg supermarkets) but it does sometimes abate. What has helped with him is having an "emergency signal" between him and whoever is with him so that he can leave with a pre-planned excuse. He also visualises the situation beforehand and takes some time before to sit quietly and do some deep breathing and use some words of affirmation ("this is a safe place", "I can leave at any time" etc) Afterwards we talk through what happened and really acknowledge and celebrate his progress (which is slow and not always linear, but is there.)

Best wishes to both of you in dealing with this.

OP I would try to get him to speak to his GP to get referred to talking therapies. You can also self refer if preferred. I was referred through my GP so had regular check in phone calls whilst on the waiting list. My therapist offers trauma based CBT and EMDR. I am starting EMDR this week. Google EMDR as this is a different approach to regular counselling or CBT and might suit him better. It’s approved by NICE and offered on the NHS and is often used for PTSD.

I'm not sure a counsellor is what he needs, at least initially. I think he would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis. It might be PTSD, might be an anxiety disorder, might be something else entirely. Then the psychiatrist may recommend a specific type of therapy or medication or both. But just starting counselling when it could be something like PTSD probably isn't the best route. I agree with PPs that if there's a military specific service then that might be the place to start.

Thank you - some really practical advice. I’ll make contact with them.

it is a really tough situation but I would rather give it everything before I call it a day. I will ALWAYS put my children first in any case but if there’s a route for him, then I would like to explore it. If it doesn’t take it then that’s another thing. But at least I could know in my heart I tried.

There is some good practical advice in this post.

My DP also struggles with social anxiety and we are trying to make baby steps by identifying ways to make situations 'safe' for him to try - having an exit plan is a very important part of this, as is starting very small (low key social situations, with known people for very short periods of time, with a way out agreed in advance if even that is too much), and working through particular concerns in advance. If there are particular triggers relating to his time in service you might need some specialist support though.

Strange how he can function perfectly well at work but not at all at home.

Would be worth asking him what worries him most about getting help. Lots of people avoid therapy because they believe they have to relive/talk about what happened to them – and that's something they just can't do. But there are modalities such as EMDR and remedial hypnosis which don't require digging into the cause of the trauma.

In all honesty, I thought it was just BS. Until I saw it for my own eyes.

Thank you for your support and practical advice. I’m going to make a few calls next week. I’ll keep this post updated because I’m sure he isn’t the only one.